Today in Saint Paul it was cold and windy, and it snowed. Snowed! I’m not ready for winter yet, dammit. I was very much disgruntled by this unlooked-for turn of events. This is because my gruntles were frozen off when I was outside smoking a cigarette in the wind and snow. Not even daydreaming about Margo Timmins cheered me up today.
Thank blog I received this nice email this afternoon:
Dear Hulles,
I am an English professor at Wellesley College. I like your blog so much that I am making it required reading for my freshman writing class.
V.I. Knuper, Ph.D.
I am in fact so grateful to the good professor that I have prepared a multiple-choice final exam on my blog to save him the bother. I present it here, along with the answers:
1: What is a yeast cop?
A: An excuse to not have sex because of a vaginal infection
B: A law enforcement officer in charge of keeping expired yeast off grocery shelves
C: The scum that forms on the top of a beer vat
2: What woman is Hulles not madly in love with?
A: Jennifer Garner
B: Mala Rodríguez
C: Martine Van Hamel
3: What can happen to you if you wear a tongue stud?
A: It can get hit by lightning
B: It can give you lead poisoning
C: It can put someone’s eye out when you sneeze
4: What must the hair tonic people think we hold in our ears all the time?
A: Earwigs
B: iPod earphones
C: Cabbage flowers
5: "How Drug!" was automatically translated from:
A: Swiss
B: Brazilian Portuguese
C: Californian
6: Harry Morton is President of:
A: The Pink Taco chain of Mexican restaurants
B: The Hair Club for Men
C: Liberia
7: Vinegar eels are actually:
A: Nematodes
B: Rubber douching devices
C: Lawyers
8: Hulles' answer to "Is that your Porsche?" was:
A: Yes
B: No
C: Incredibly witty
9: Caroline Haerdi is a
A: Victoria 's Secret model
B: Strumpet wrangler
C: Swiss knife thrower
10: What has Poland 's zloty been doing amid the recent uncertainty?
A: Rising
B: Sagging
C: Detumescing
11: “My Naked Birthday Dance” is ritually performed by Hulles in:
A: His bedroom
B: Toronto
C: Prison
12: "They shoot, they get naked themselves, and they drive me fearful" was said of:
A: Penthouse Magazine photographers
B: Female guerillas in Liberia
C: Rogue yeast cops
13: Dorothy Parker's parakeet was named:
A: H. L. Mencken
B: Fluffy
C: Onan
14: If you are a male, you can use pantyhose to:
A: Convince your friends you’re straight
B: Beat up your upstairs neighbor
C: Make wigs for your sock puppets
15: If you falsely represent yourself as an iconoclast, the AAPI will:
A: Snivel and whine about it
B: Denounce you to the authorities
C: Pop a cap in your ass and sue your mangled corpse
For extra credit: Hulles resembles the following celebrity:
A: Ed Bradley
B: Brad Pitt
C: Ginger Rogers
If you took this test, you can view your results below:
0 – 4 correct answers: Give me a break. Dumb luck should produce 5 correct answers.
5 – 10 correct answers: Time to sign up for the Remedial Hulles class.
11 – 15 correct answers: If you’re a woman, I’m madly in love with you. If you’re a guy, jeez, I think you’re pretty okay.
16 correct answers: OMG, you’re me!
- Hulles
2 comments:
Lovely! Congrats, hulles -- not sure I would have used it for my classes, but it sure would have been fun.
This is transparently a ploy to get people to read some older blog entries that I worked so hard on. You can swipe the idea if you want....
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