Saturday, October 07, 2006

Since I wrote the “Trouble in Taco Town” entry, I’ve been thinking about vaginas. Not vaginas per se, actually, but things that look like vaginas. There are many things that fall into this category, and Georgia O’Keefe painted most of them. In fact, I thought about calling this entry “Georgia On My Mind”, but the title I used is just too good to toss out. Besides, it’s more relevant to the content, as you will see.

Like many of us, I’m a sushi lover. My favorite kind of sushi happens to be clams. In season, I’ll order hokkigai and akagai before any other sushi or sashimi. I also love asari sakamushi, clams in sake broth, sometimes called “drunken clams.” I guess I’m just a clam kind of gai[1], ha ha.

One kind of clam that I seldom order is called mirugai. I just don’t happen to care for it as much as the other kinds. It has nothing to do with the fact that I think it looks very much like a vagina. In fact, I find this an endearing trait; it makes me want to like it more. Alas, I prefer hokkigai and akagai. I note in passing that mirugai is not a kind of clam itself, rather it is the spout (or siphon) of the giant clam. I found this out myself just moments ago; live and learn.

I was thinking that the cool thing about mirugai is that you women could use it as tool to weed out substandard men without having to invoke the Ten Date Rule. This could save you lots of time, effort and anguish. I present the following scenario as a public service to heterosexual women everywhere, although now that I think of it the ‘heterosexual’ qualifier is unnecessary. I guess it’s more universally applicable than I originally thought.

First, you make the guy take you to a Japanese restaurant. If he acquiesces, this is already a good sign. Second, you somehow make him order mirugai. If he downs it without batting an eye, this bodes well for your future physical relationship. If he goes squeamish on you, you might want to reconsider dragging his ass home to bed. If he orders a second helping, jump him in the car as soon as you leave the restaurant.

Before we leave vaginas (withdrawal is the technical term for this), I want to mention that evidently some women have two of them. It’s called didelphic uterus. Box Set has this condition, and posts a blog on this very topic. It makes for interesting reading. You can find it at ihavetwovaginas.blogspot.com. The Esquire article referred to in the blog says that the woman being interviewed lost her virginity twice:

“The first time was when I was eighteen. Then I lost the other side two weeks later. To the same guy. You'd think I could have saved one of them for marriage.”

She goes on to say that, although she has to use two tampons when she gets her period, she is recompensed by the fact that she can have two orgasms simultaneously. Dang. Being a man, I can’t help but also imagine the kind of performance anxiety a guy she’s dating must experience: “No, honey, I’m sorry but I only came in the left one that time, too.”

See, the Internet is good for something besides downloading porn. Today we not only learned about giant clam siphons, we discovered the strange new world of dual vaginas. Tune into Hulles tomorrow for your further edification; who knows what we’ll learn together as we penetrate new virtual frontiers, thrusting ourselves into the vastness of webdom, piercing the veil of online ignorance….

- Hulles


[1] ‘Gai’ is the Japanese word for clam.

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