The Hulles Exam

Today in Saint Paul it was cold and windy, and it snowed. Snowed! I’m not ready for winter yet, dammit. I was very much disgruntled by this unlooked-for turn of events. This is because my gruntles were frozen off when I was outside smoking a cigarette in the wind and snow. Not even daydreaming about Margo Timmins cheered me up today.

Thank blog I received this nice email this afternoon:

Dear Hulles,

I am an English professor at Wellesley College. I like your blog so much that I am making it required reading for my freshman writing class.

V.I. Knuper, Ph.D.

Excellent! As you can imagine, this email made me very happy and quite proud of my little web log. And do you know what the best part of all this is? The poor kids in the Wellesley writing class will have to read every damn one of my blog entries. 5 Hulles Stars of Gratitude to Dr. Knuper!

I am in fact so grateful to the good professor that I have prepared a multiple-choice final exam on my blog to save him the bother. I present it here, along with the answers:

1: What is a yeast cop?

A: An excuse to not have sex because of a vaginal infection

B: A law enforcement officer in charge of keeping expired yeast off grocery shelves

C: The scum that forms on the top of a beer vat

Answer

2: What woman is Hulles not madly in love with?

A: Jennifer Garner

B: Mala Rodríguez

C: Martine Van Hamel

Answer

3: What can happen to you if you wear a tongue stud?

A: It can get hit by lightning

B: It can give you lead poisoning

C: It can put someone’s eye out when you sneeze

Answer

4: What must the hair tonic people think we hold in our ears all the time?

A: Earwigs

B: iPod earphones

C: Cabbage flowers

Answer

5: "How Drug!" was automatically translated from:

A: Swiss

B: Brazilian Portuguese

C: Californian

Answer

6: Harry Morton is President of:

A: The Pink Taco chain of Mexican restaurants

B: The Hair Club for Men

C: Liberia

Answer

7: Vinegar eels are actually:

A: Nematodes

B: Rubber douching devices

C: Lawyers

Answer

8: Hulles' answer to "Is that your Porsche?" was:

A: Yes

B: No

C: Incredibly witty

Answer

9: Caroline Haerdi is a

A: Victoria's Secret model

B: Strumpet wrangler

C: Swiss knife thrower

Answer

10: What has Poland's zloty been doing amid the recent uncertainty?

A: Rising

B: Sagging

C: Detumescing

Answer

11: “My Naked Birthday Dance” is ritually performed by Hulles in:

A: His bedroom

B: Toronto

C: Prison

Answer

12: "They shoot, they get naked themselves, and they drive me fearful" was said of:

A: Penthouse Magazine photographers

B: Female guerillas in Liberia

C: Rogue yeast cops

Answer

13: Dorothy Parker's parakeet was named:

A: H. L. Mencken

B: Fluffy

C: Onan

Answer

14: If you are a male, you can use pantyhose to:

A: Convince your friends you’re straight

B: Beat up your upstairs neighbor

C: Make wigs for your sock puppets

Answer

15: If you falsely represent yourself as an iconoclast, the AAPI will:

A: Snivel and whine about it

B: Denounce you to the authorities

C: Pop a cap in your ass and sue your mangled corpse

Answer

For extra credit: Hulles resembles the following celebrity:

A: Ed Bradley

B: Brad Pitt

C: Ginger Rogers

Answer

If you took this test, you can view your results below:

0 – 4 correct answers: Give me a break. Dumb luck should produce 5 correct answers.

5 – 10 correct answers: Time to sign up for the Remedial Hulles class.

11 – 15 correct answers: If you’re a woman, I’m madly in love with you. If you’re a guy, jeez, I think you’re pretty okay.

16 correct answers: OMG, you’re me!

- Hulles