Thursday, October 26, 2006

I recently subscribed to The Scotsman, so I now get a daily email from Edinburgh on the news from our kilt-wearing friends. I didn't do this because I have Scottish heritage particularly (although my pedigree is mongrelized, so perhaps I do and don't know it); rather I did it because I like the Scots in general and I find the news interesting and quirky.

Just for example, here are a couple of items of interest from just one day, 10/15/2006:

Cardinal Keith O'Brien, the Roman Catholic top gun in Scotland, publicly expressed support for Scottish independence. Who knew that there was an independence movement in Scotland? Not me, that's for sure. Well, I guess we did it, why not them? Still, I find it interesting.

In other (hopefully unrelated) news, some expert says that “paedophile fear is making children fat” in Scotland. Hunh. Are there lurking pedophiles abounding in the Scottish countryside? How many Catholic priests are there in Scotland? Does Michael Jackson have a UK version of Neverland Ranch in Scotland? Is this some weird Darwinian mechanism whereby children become obese and less attractive to pedophiles (no matter how they spell it), and thus less likely to be victimized?

From this fertile ground, I can confidently predict the following scenario:

  • Scotland gains independence

  • Scotland takes over UK

  • Scotland takes over Europe

  • Scotland takes over US

  • American men start wearing kilts; incidence of jock rot plummets; Fruit of the Loom goes out of business

  • Actors in reality TV shows start speaking with a brogue

  • Engineering becomes the only available major in universities

  • Thousands of bartenders and cocktail waitresses starve to death as tipping ceases

  • Instead of football and baseball, America's sports become curling and throwing logs about

  • Men suffer frequent embarrassment and bladder discomfort over having the same symbol on both male and female restroom doors

  • Surgeon General forbids Michael Jackson images from being broadcast, to combat child obesity

  • Hulles gets to buy Glenmorangie Sherry Wood Finish single malt scotch at absurdly low prices (and about fucking time, I don't mind saying)

All this from just one day of the Scotsman. Keep 'em coming, boys. I'm buying my tam-o'-shanter this afternoon.

- Hulles

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