Never Pay For Dinner Again

I had just returned from my appointment at the palm barber when I read Kat's latest blog entry, Scientists shocked to find that men demand sex while asleep (same scientists later shocked by revelation that "Water is wet"). If you don't know already, Kat's¹ pink india ink is a superbly written web log and hilariously funny; go there and tell her Hulles sent you. Anyway, in her post she refers in passing to “plastic tacos,” i. e. artificial vaginas² sold as adult novelty items (as they say). She helpfully includes a link, but office workers be warned, it's got a fairly blatant graphic image. Most succulent.

Following this link brought to mind another encounter I had with an ad for a plastic vagina. A while back I was at a condo party that eventually degenerated into a half-dozen of us sitting drunk and bleary-eyed around a Formica table (as these things are wont to do). For no reason I can explain, one of the revelers, a retired salesman, went up to his Unit and came back with a sex toy catalog. We sort of passed it around and chortled politely, then we got the hell out of there and went to a nearby bar sans salesman.

The funniest thing about the catalog for me was that I opened tt at random to an ad for “The Pocket Pussy.” There was a picture of a device that looked for all the world like one of those rubber coin purses that you squeeze to open. In the accompanying blurb, however, the phrase that stuck with me to this day is “Never pay for dinner again!”

Now I really like what this phrase says about the kind of guy who would buy one of these items. The ad is precisely targeted at men who get pissed off when they take a woman out to a nice expensive dinner and then don't get laid. So it seems that this little device is more useful that it appears at first glance – it saves the purchasers some money over the long run, and it keeps those guys out of the dating scene, where they would otherwise constantly expect a quid pro quo and, hopefully, be disappointed.

In fact, the more I think about this product, the more I find that I want one. I would not use it for its intended purpose as far as you know; rather I would store M&Ms or sardines in it to distribute among newly-made acquaintances. That's just the kid of guy I am -- tastefully philanthropic to a fault. An additional benefit is that lesbians can appreciate this use of the plastic taco as well. Otherwise, they would just have to look at it with longing then set it on the mantle next to the Georgia O'Keefe paintings.

My birthday is November 6.

- Hulles

1I am of course madly in love with her....

2Interestingly enough, the word 'vaginas' is not in my word processor's dictionary. Is it really 'vaginae?' Even if it is, I selected the option to “insert 'vaginas' into standard.dic”, which is sort of the opposite of the way things normally work.