Thursday, October 26, 2006

Recently I was making the case to Mrs. Unca Don that every man needs a pair of $80 underwear. You don't need more than one pair. Target is just fine for the others. But you ought to have one pair.

This is another secret I learned from women. When you get dressed up, it's important that you know you have on something special underneath, even though no one else may ever see it. It gives you an elan that you would otherwise lack. This is because you know your unit is swaddled in the best safety and comfort that money can buy. And by golly, your unit deserves it after all it's done for you. Well, mine does, anyway; you can judge yours for yourself.

I bought my “top drawers” at Nieman Marcus. They are made by Hanro of Switzerland, and frankly I don't remember if they cost $60 or $80, so sue me. They're worth it, though, at least to me. They are black “bikini briefs” and are made of wonderfully sheer Egyptian cotton. I find it hilariously funny that I don't actually put these special undies in the dryer, I hang them up and let them drip dry. I even bought a nylon mesh “delicates bag” to stick them in when I put them in the washer, if you can imagine that. Oh my God. When you look up “metrosexual” in the dictionary it probably has my picture by the definition. The ignominy....

However, the point of all this is styling. Your Hanro underwear aren't necessary when you dress up for that big date with Judy Sultry, but they just might give you that slight edge in self-confidence you'll need later when you try to charm her out of her delicates. And after an evening of being coddled in expensive briefs, your genitalia should be grateful enough to make it a night to remember. Otherwise, they know perfectly well that you'll punish them with the torn and stained white Fruit of the Loom briefs they have so learned to dread.

- Hulles


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