Sunday, October 01, 2006

Steve Thurmond of Cincinnati, Ohio writes:

I am an avid fan of your blog. In your bio, it says you are a consulting iconoclast. What’s it pay? Can I be one too?

Thanks for writing, Steve. Becoming a successful iconoclast is not as simple as one might think. First, you have to attend a small liberal arts college and study cynicism, sarcasm, self loathing and Oscar Wilde. After you graduate, you can apply to take the rigorous examination (the “boards”) from the American Association of Professional Iconoclasts (AAPI). If you pass, you can begin calling yourself an iconoclast.

Note that, as established by several recent court cases, you cannot call yourself an iconoclast unless you have passed the boards and belong to the AAPI. If you should falsely call yourself one anyway, we’ll send a couple of guys over to pop a cap in your ass then sue your mangled corpse.

Once you’re an AAPI member, you will need to spend what will seem like several lifetimes as a corporate iconoclast. Only then can you open your own practice and become a successful consulting iconoclast like me.

As an aside, for some reason many new AAPI members are disillusioned attorneys. This group is the only class of newly-frocked iconoclasts that we routinely haze. We wait until we have a sizeable number of these ex-lawyers, then we get them naked and run the herd through the Federal Building. No point to it, really, but it makes us feel better.

Finally, to answer your question about pay, it doesn’t pay for shit, which is why I’m so poor right now. Thanks for asking.

Hayley Mills of Brienz, Switzerland writes:

I am an avid fan of your blog. My cute blonde friends and I are curious: what’s your favorite imaginary public works project?

Odd you should ask that, Hayley. I was just thinking about that very thing the other day. My favorite imaginary public works project was first proposed in the ‘70’s by Donald Kaul in his Des Moines Register column, “Over The Coffee”. Mr. Kaul suggested that we make Des Moines an international seaport by dredging out the median of Interstate 80. I’m sorry to report that this project has not yet been undertaken, to the best of my knowledge. Perhaps with the recent destruction of much of the Gulf Coast this plan will be reconsidered.

Thanks for the photo. Don’t you and your friends get cold in the Swiss Alps, dressed like that?

That’s it for the mailbag today.

- Hulles

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