Friday, October 13, 2006

Once again I find myself casting a gimlet eye upon male / female relationships in general and sex specifically. This time it’s about seduction.

The gentle art of seduction seems to be slipping away from us. These days, apparently all you have to do to get laid is fall down. This has not always been true, however. Once, seduction was a skill that took years to master. I’m not claiming that I am even a journeyman seducer , but I do know a couple tips for you guys out there in need of a mentor's advice.

Incidentally, I say “guys” because women seldom have need to practice seduction on men. If most males even have the hint of a suspicion that a woman wants to bed them, Bob’s your uncle and the deal’s closed. The only men that women should really need to seduce are priests and married guys. I don’t know anything about seducing priests, thank God, but married guys should be off limits. I know, they’re a challenge to your female wiles, and they seem so safe and cute, somehow, but don’t do it. The emotional cost isn’t worth it.

So guys, say you want to seduce a woman. You have progressed to the point where she has come over to your apartment and is done cleaning your bathroom, now what do you do? Music, my man, music. Everyone knows that Sade is the classic seduction music, and sometimes the classics are best, but I have a special one that you should try. Find a recording of P.M. Dawn’s “I’d Die Without You” (off the Bliss album) and set your stereo to Stun. Make it so the track repeats; you won’t want to be getting up off the couch to play it over again, trust me. This song is so good that it makes me wet just thinking about it. After the first listening, getting little Suzy horizontal will be like shooting fish in a barrel

If Ashley (tch, tch, robbing the cradle, aren’t you?) proves a little more difficult, say because she spent her first 22 years in a women-only bible camp, you still have seduction options left. I won’t desert you now.

Speaking of desserts, I actually learned this one from women – the way into a girl’s knickers is through her stomach. (I know the metaphor is a little odd, but I find it strangely evocative.) Make her food. Make the food you make for her chocolate. And don’t make just any chocolate concoction, make Raspberry Chocolate Mousse. With some girls you don’t even have to make it; just saying it is enough to get them dewy. If you do make it, find a recipe (or wait until I get around to blogging mine) that uses fresh raspberries, Chambord liqueur, and homemade chocolate mousse. Do make it from scratch yourself -- mousse isn’t really very hard to make, but it looks like it is, so you score points for that as well. Once you pull the cute mousse-filled crystal parfait glasses from the fridge – you do have parfait glasses, don’t you – it will be all over but the moaning. Make lots, by the way, as this dish is so rich and decadent that it occasionally makes its way into the bedroom with you for carnal use.

I know I said earlier that women don’t have much use for seduction techniques, particularly with me, but the exception proves the rule. I was in Switzerland a number of years ago, and decided to phone a lovely woman I had met just prior to leaving the States. I dialed her digits from the BevNap (of course) and chatted with her a while, running up my Swiss friend’s phone bill considerably in the process. I told her I’d be returning to Saint Paul in a couple days, and she asked me if she could pick me at the airport, bring me back to her house, and give me a warm bath, complete with candles! It would help me get over jet lag, she said. Damn straight, I thought. Of course this little anecdote had the expected denouement, but I still cherish the memory of that so-romantic seduction that was both unlooked for and unnecessary.

I’ll leave you with an anti-seduction story. I was sitting in a bar once (shut up) and in came a sort of dumpy middle-aged woman who plopped down beside me. She immediately began hitting on me, which frankly doesn’t happen to me that much, but she was pretty aggressive about it and I was saying no. She wasn’t my type, really; I think this is true not only because I found her unattractive, but also because she was an attorney working for the Department of Revenue, two big strikes against her right there. She wasn’t taking no for an answer, however. She reached into my pants and grabbed my dick, in front of God and everybody. Now I felt strongly that this was not really a fair tactic. She was effectively cutting out the middleman and dealing directly with the boss at that point. I certainly didn’t want to go home with her, but it seems the boss liked the attention so he dragged me out of the bar right behind her. I felt helpless and used, cheapened really, but there you go. No arguing with the boss when he sets his sights on something. I’m sure this woman must have been an effective trial lawyer; she certainly had the closer down.

Girls, please don’t try the above anti-seduction technique unless you’re completely arm-waving drunk in a bar and can’t talk well enough to let a guy know you want to jump him. Even then, maybe you could have a friend write a note on a BevNap to give him or something. While the middleman-bypassing ploy is a sure thing, you may want to go back into the same bar another evening without that annoying snickering sound in the background.

- Hulles

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