Thursday, September 07, 2006

Divination is a process by which people attempt to determine the future from events in the present. In years past, some methods of divination that have been used include ailuromancy (by observing the behavior of felines), cartomancy (by reading cards), cheiromancy (by reading palms), oneiromancy (by interpreting dreams), and scatomancy (by examining droppings, usually of animals).

Recently I discovered -- never mind -- how a new method of divination I call viagromancy. It’s quite simple really. I masturbate onto a newspaper, then interpret the size and placement of the stains and observe what words they cover. It may be possible that I am not the originator of this method; after riding New York City subways I must admit that I feel some doubt if I am indeed the first person to discover this.

At any rate today, for example, I am going to take a trip to the Netherlands Antilles, have absolutely nothing to do with JonBenet Ramsey, and will save 30¢ on a can of Del Monte peaches. Yesterday I was to talk to someone from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, discover a seven-letter word that means “coquette’s trait” and refinance my house for a low fixed rate of 4.8%. Yesterday’s divination was a little off: I don’t own a house. I attribute that to sneezing at the moment of truth.

The more proficient I become at this form of divination, the more inclined I am to launch a daily syndicated newspaper column that uses this method to provide an augury for each of the signs of the Zodiac. I do have to confess that I feel some trepidation about being required to masturbate 12 times a day, but I feel that is outweighed by actually getting paid for it. “Astrolojism by Hulles” is what I think I’ll name the column. Look for it in your newspaper soon (the column, that is, not....).

As a curious aside, it occurs to me that if work requires that I masturbate 12 times a day, if I ever date someone again I'll have to marry her right away so we don't have to have sex.

And finally, whence the title? It is said of Dorothy Parker that she had a parakeet named Onan, because he spilled his seed on the floor.

- Hulles

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