Friday, September 22, 2006

I am relatively new to blogging, so I decided I'm going to take a few minutes and reflect upon my fascination with this phenomenon. One habit I notice I’ve developed is perusing random blog entries. In the process, though, I’ve realized that I habitually skip over two kinds of blogs: cat blogs (see It’s Raining Cats on Blogs) and blogs by guys. Now isn’t that interesting? I’ve always preferred the company of women to that of men, generally speaking, but is there more there? Am I seeking a mate? Jesus, I hope not, not even subcutaneously. (I know that isn’t the right word but I liked it better than ‘subconsciously’.) If I am, however, what sort of mate am I seeking?

I decided that I really would like to meet some of the people who write the blogs I read. Pursuing this thought further, I also decided that my perfect mate could be constructed as follows, based on my blogging preferences:

  1. Take all four women who post the blogs in the “Blogs I Watch” section of my own web log -- that would be Casti, Xiao-Tin, Heart of Darkness and Midwest – and stick ‘em in a blender.
  2. Add a couple of drops of “I Adore Hull”. Hell, pour in the whole bottle.
  3. Purée until smooth and all lumps are gone.
  4. Pour into a Kate Beckinsale mold.
  5. Let set until firm but not hard.
  6. Break the mold (something I do every day, of course) and voila! The perfect woman-like creature for Hulles!
  7. Have sex with it immediately. Then destroy it before it can form any sort of emotional attachments. And don’t call it the next day.

Of course, the really sad part of all this is that I know all too few people personally who are as interesting to me as the aforementioned women. I suppose that says something about me as well as about the general quality of woman available in the Twin Cities. Maybe it’s just that I don’t meet the right kind of woman. Perhaps they don’t frequent the same places I do, like middle school parking lots, butcher shops, and the regional Microsoft sales office. Too bad; the only reason I hang around the Microsoft office at all is to meet chicks. Maybe I’ll have to rethink that.

An even sadder thought that just occurred to me is: even if I met the WLC I created above, I wouldn’t be able to do anything with it (see A Poor Person’s Guide to Dating). It would be like rain on my wedding day, free advice when I’ve already paid…. You get the idea. I can do without added shit to regret, thank you very much.

So. I guess I’ll just have to continue my lonely existence sans WLCs. Fine. I’ll just sit here and bellow “Subcutaneous Homesick Blues” at the top of my lungs while I go looking on the Internet for more interesting blogwomen. And, incidentally, annoy the hell out of everyone else in the coffee shop.

- Hulles

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