Wednesday, August 23, 2006

This entry is about dating as an extremely poor person. It’ll be really short. You don’t. You are concerned about survival, real survival, like whether or not you are going to continue living, that sort of survival. This limits your dating options, as you might imagine.
This is not to say that you are no longer interested in the opposite sex (or the same sex, or your neighbor’s German Shepherd), just that you don’t have the energy to spend on a relationship at this point in your life. It just doesn’t seem relevant. You have nothing to give someone else, because you are fighting a battle alone that most people never even see.
Here’s a graphic example: let’s say I wanted to date someone new. Somehow I meet her without leaving my house, call her on the phone that’s turned off, pick her up in the car that has no gas, take her to see Cats (okay, now I am joking), go for cocktails at… You get the idea. Even if your fairy godmother somehow gets you to the ball, what are you going to talk about with the Prince? Jessica Simpson? You’ll probably babble on about butfors, or about how you’re writing a blog about being poor and depressed. Many potential partners consider this a turn-off, I’ve found. The upside to all this is, if through some miracle you do find somebody that likes you anyway, keep them forever.
What I can offer you, in lieu of dating advice, is a good attitude. I strongly recommend Hulles’ Fishing Theory. This theory was developed by me – hence the name – because I like to fish, but I never catch anything. Who cares, I just enjoy fishing. But someone always asks you what you’re trying to catch. I always tell them I’m going to not catch Northerns[1]. The point is this: if you’re not going to catch anything anyway, you might as well not catch Northerns.
The same rule applies to dating, as far as I’m concerned. In fact, lately I’ve decided I’m going to not be dating Angelina Jolie. This is a new thing -- until recently I wasn’t dating Gwyneth Paltrow (although she’d still make a fine back-up date for the prom). I don’t think the tabloids have gotten wind of this, yet, so keep it under your hat. And if you’re curious, my best non-relationship ever was when I was not dating Margo Timmins, lead singer of the Cowboy Junkies. I’m still madly in love with her. In fact, we’re still not seeing each other occasionally, even though we’ve both moved on.
If you’re not going to date anyone, you might as well not date the best.
- Hulles


[1] Northerns are Northern Pike, if you’re not from Minnesota. They’re worth catching.

1 comment:

Dating-Guru said...
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