Soap Dropper Wanted, Flx Hrs, Std Rates, Not A Prison

Looking for work sucks, like you all don't know that. I've been doing it for a while now, and any length of time is too long to do it.

The reason I'm looking for work is that my cushy job in the Iconoclasm Division of 3M was eliminated when they, like so many others, outsourced their ox goring to foreign climes. The life of an American iconoclast is not the halcyon thing it once was.

My first thought for new employment was, find a field where you have expertise. This of course means bartending. I've never actually been a bartender myself, but I've certainly watched enough of them. In fact, I often give the bartenders I know free advice on how to mix drinks correctly. They seem to be very grateful for this service, at least to my face when it's time for me to tip them.

Unfortunately, all of the establishments I talked to about bartending jobs seemed to have a problem with my insistence that I be able to work from home. Good Lord, I have a cat, is she supposed to sit at home by herself for hours on end? I don't think so, not while I'm her owner. People today just don't understand that being a responsible pet owner is not just a part-time job to be performed whenever it happens to be convenient. Besides, my bar employer would probably go through the same amount of liquor my way as they would if the bar itself was actually open. Not that it would be paid for, necessarily, but certainly gone through.

Since that proved to be a dead end I thought I'd look for curmudgeon jobs. I've been called that recently, and we all know that when life hands you lemons you make really shitty-tasting margaritas. I immediately found to my chagrin something that the rest of you probably already know: most of the current crop of curmudgeon positions are taken by grumpy old women, usually English majors. There used to be a day when the very word 'curmudgeon' meant a man....

But I'm not one to whine in front of anyone besides the person to whom I am speaking, so I'm remaining fairly silent and making the best of what seems to be a bad situation. Like Balderdash, I'm applying for a sales clerk position at Common Good Books.

If I have experience at anything, it's in being ravished. I usually use a cruder phrase than that, but it amounts to the same thing. Wish me luck.

-- Hulles