Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I was just looking for information on seals, when... “Stop! Stop! Hulles, are you talking about eared or earless seals?” you ask, proud that you know the difference (one kind has ears). Who the hell cares? I was looking up seals because recently it came to my attention that seals (both eared and earless) are occasionally killed by baseballs. Fastballs seem to be particularly deadly. So I decided to see if any seals are mascots for baseball teams.

First, though, I tried to see how seals have sex. This is important to me because I want to make sure I have an accurate visual representation of seals having sex when I write about seals having sex, which I recently did in a comment. Also, you never know when you'll pick up a handy tip or two. But googling “seal sex” turned out to be a mistake. First my laptop popped up a window that said

“WARNING! You are about to view sites that depict disgusting acts that are illegal in most states, notably Texas. You should refrain from eating solid food for two days prior to viewing these sites, and even so you should have a barf bag close at hand when you do. Do you want to continue?” (I love Ubuntu Linux.)

Like an idiot I clicked the “Yes, I am a creepy pervert and want to continue” button, even though I'm not really creepy.

Doctors tell me the scarring of my corneas won't go away without expensive surgery by, oddly enough, the doctors who tell me this. And apparently my medical insurance doesn't cover Porn Web Site Ocular Damage. Guys, take note: read your medical insurance contract while you still have good corneas.

So I gave up trying to find out about seal sex. I'll just imagine that it's pretty much like manatee sex and leave it at that. And by the way, you really don't want to google that one.



But seal mascots was still a hot topic for me, and I googled that with better luck. As it turned out, however, I never did find out the answer to my question, which I repeat here for the short-term memory loss crowd: “Are there any baseball teams that have seals as mascots?” This remains an unsolved mystery to me because I got lost in ads about seal mascot suits. Sure they're for mascots; if they are why do they rent them instead of sell them outright?

“Jimmie's Costumes.”

“Hi. Do you rent mascot costumes?”

“Oh yeah, right, the 'mascot' costumes. That would be Fred, he's the guy who handles 'mascots'. Let me transfer you.” (One hears a tiny crackling sound as the man winks lewdly over the phone.)

“Mascots.”

“Yeah, can I rent a mascot costume?”

“Sure. The selection ain't so great for Friday or Saturday night, but we can probably find you something.”

“Actually, it's for a Saturday afternoon baseball game. The Whitby Baby Seals are playing the Pickering Baseball Bat Toters, and I'm the mascot for the Seals.”

“No shit? I'm calling my bookie as soon as you hang up.”

“So do you have any seal mascot costumes for rent?”

“Seal mascot costume, eh? Eared or earless?”

“Whuh...?”

“Thought so.”

Even better than the seal mascot costume rentals was a web site called “J-List – You've got a friend in Japan!” I found this on their site:



”Mamegoma is a super cute seal mascot franchise from San-X (Tarepanda, Nyanko, Rilakkuma) that features colorful and genki seals. This netsuke strap not only features a smiling Mamegoma, but also has an omijuki that tells your fortune!”

Yikes! I only know what three of those words mean. But I really like the idea of a seal mascot franchise.

(Man walks into San-X Headquarters.)

“Hi! Welcome to San-X.”

“Hi. I'm looking to start a business, and I heard your company offers franchises.”

“You heard right. We're the guys to set you up in a mascot franchise. What about a nice seal mascot franchise? They're all the rage today.”

“Mascot franchise? I was thinking more along the lines of a Burger King.”

“Naw, burgers are for widows and orphans. What you want is your mascot franchise, trust me. The netsuke straps and omijukis practically fly out the door by themselves. Not to mention the genki seals. Can't you just picture yourself cutting the ribbon for your very own San-X seal mascot store, standing under your big neon Smiling Mamegoma sign? Of course you can. Sign here.”

I love the Internet.

-- Hulles


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