Okay, people, listen up. We need to have a Come to Jesus Meeting, so move in a little closer if you can't hear me well enough in the back there.
First, if you guys could hold it down while you're here, I'd appreciate it. The people in the blog next door have been complaining about the noise. And those of you who persist in showing up drunk, and you know who you are, this is the 2000's and we're fully prepared to intervention your ass right into treatment if you can't drink O'Doul's at least once in a while.
Next item: I know this has been a slow week at work for many of you what with the holidays and all. Many of you have in fact done nothing this week but sit around the office at your computers listening to German beer-drinking songs on repeat. Well, that's all well and good for the office, it's only work for crying out loud, but we run a tight blog here. You are expected to show up with your faculties honed, your sense of humor in the On position and your mice ready to follow hyperlinks, holidays or no. Please don't make me remind you of this again come Presidents' Day or heads will roll.
And once again I must point out that we have a dress code here. Women are expected to display cleavage where feasible and draw it on with a magic marker where not. And if you sit on your knees on the floor and your skirt touches the ground, it is too long for this blog and you will be reprimanded and sent home with a note. Also, men should be wearing t-shirts under their dress shirts because many people find the sight of male chest hair offensive1. And change your underwear, for the love of God.
In conclusion I would remind you that these rules are in place to ensure your comfort and safety while at the Hulles blog. Also, let me once again point out that when the day comes when I open the gates of New Lugburz and release the ravening hordes of Hulles Death Commandos in slightly-modified Hooters uniforms upon an unsuspecting world, you will want to be one of those with the correctly-drawn Smiling Mamegoma on your door so they will pass you by. And you will only find that Smiling Mamegoma on this blog. So please check back here early and often for your own continued well-being and that of your family.
Thank you. And Happy New Year from all of us here at the Hulles blog.
1The part about the t-shirts is taken from a memo sent around at the Federal Reserve Bank when I worked there, sad to say.