Comments are disabled for this post. -- The Management
Hi Mom, I just thought I'd take a minute to tell you that everything is going great here in Saint Paul. I've started my new job (“Spare change? Spare a quarter for an old white rapper? Hey buddy, gotta smoke?”1) and I really like my working environment (“The wind chill factor is minus twenty today? Jesus, wish these gloves didn't have holes in them.”). My coworkers are friendly and supportive (“Move it asshole, this is my sidewalk, has been since the Honeywell layoffs.”) and the pay, while not quite what I was making as an iconoclast, should be fine until I get better established in my new career (“A nickel? Up yours, jerkoff, what am I supposed to do with this, buy a yacht?”).
I still have a lot to learn in my new job (“Hey mister, spare a buck for a downtrodden and embittered failure much like yourself?”) but I've always prided myself on being a quick learner (“Hey mister, spare a buck for a downtrodden and embittered failure much like that guy over there?”). In fact, if things go the way I plan, before long I'll be able to start up my own company in this exciting new field (“Yo, frat boy, no need to be horny and alone tonight, I've got some ladies that would love to keep you company.”).
While I can't say much for my night life lately (“Take it somewhere else, buddy, you can't sleep in this stairway.”), at least I've cut down on my drinking like you wanted, ha ha (“You want how much for a pint of MD 20/20? Christ, I'll have to rob a liquor store. Whoa, just kidding, it was just an expression, you can put the shotgun away now.”). However, the good news is that I'm finally meeting some nice girls in my new workplace (“Hey stud! Nice boy like you, five bucks for a hand job! Two, three minutes and we're both happy.”).
So hugs, Mom, say hi to everybody, and of course I'll be home for the holidays (“Hey lady, spare eighty-five bucks for a bus ticket to Iowa?”). Merry Christmas!
1As you may recall, my mother can't read italics because she is no longer able to tilt her computer monitor to the side.