I Have Good News And Bad News...

I'm really glad I'm not a woman. For one thing, I'm pretty sure that if I was a woman I would strongly resemble the Mimi character on The Drew Carey Show. My floral-print house dress collection would be the envy of all the other girls in my trailer park. But I'd have a sweet personality; plus I'd put out for every guy that even sounded like he was thinking about buying me a beer. And I'd swallow, goddamn it.

But women have it rough. Consider being young and female in New York: you'd have to compete for men with my friend Kat. That's her in the picture. So all of you young ladies in NYC can breathe a sigh of relief: her boyfriend Dave did not die from having a bad wiener at the Garden. He's still alive and kicking, or at least twitching. This means that Kat is still Taken. This means that it's safe for you women to go out to a singles bar again without the Ego Corset you otherwise need to avoid breaking down completely when the cute guy you're talking to stops listening to your fascinating story about your cats and instead stares slack-jawed and drooling at the hot redhead singing “Brown-Eyed Girl” on stage. Because the hot redhead is Kat.

Those lucky few of you who have been reading my stuff for a while know I'm a big fan of Kat's. What's not to like? Read 'em and weep, ladies:

• She is a redhead. And yes, Dave, she is a real redhead. You can always tell by the tongue, which you can partly see in the photo.

• She is attractive, to the same degree that Gilbert Gottfried is not. And that, my friends, is pretty damn attractive.

• She drinks beer. This is a non-trivial thing to a guy, trust me. That ain't Beaujolais Nouveau in her hand.

• She's bootylicious. You can see this clearly if you turn the image over for the back view.

• She sings in a band. Let me repeat that: she sings in a band. I just found this out myself recently, and they had to hook the defibrillator up to a truck battery to finally get my heart to restart.

• She is one of the funniest writers on the web, at least in my book. She has an excellent ear, wonderful pacing and even spells shit right. I hate her for this. Women should also find this very threatening -- men love a sense of humor, which is why they go out and drink with their other male buddies instead of you.

• Her parents say “fuck” a lot. This may not be a big deal for some people but it is for me, so it gets included in the good points list.

• She's conscientious about her undergarments, for which her coworkers are eternally grateful.
  

• And did I mention she's hot?

I could go on but it would just be kicking you other women when you're down. I'll have mercy.

You get your karmic revenge instantly, however, because Kat has one bad point:

• She has a boyfriend, and he's still alive.

So whoever poisoned Dave's wiener, you'll have to try again. Get it right this time, though, will you?

-- Hulles