Living The Dream, Part I

A few weeks ago Rolling Stone magazine sent a reporter and photographer out to interview me at New Lugburz. This is a transcription of that interview. This post, the first of three, takes place on the grounds of New Lugburz. -- The Management

RS: Hi there, you must be Hulles! I'm Jill Villeneuve and this is some photographer whose name I never bothered to learn. Thanks for having us out to your place up here in northern Minnesota. And thanks also for sending the helicopter to pick me up at MSP, that was nice of you.

Hulles: Well, nice to meet you Jill. I hope you don't mind I sent one of the Blackhawks, I wanted to keep the Apache around here just in case. I'm still not 100% comfortable with those tank barricades. So welcome to New Lugburz!

RS: Well it certainly looks like quite a place. I understand you haven't really moved in here yet?

Hulles: That's right Jill. Until we put the finishing touches on the compound I'm still living in Saint Paul in a duplex that I occasionally blow up. But shortly after the first of the year I plan on moving up here for good. Hey, since we're out here at the helipad anyway let me show you around some of the outbuildings on our way to the Big House.

This pole barn here is where we keep the M1A2 tank and a couple of Bradleys. This is Alex, our chief mechanic who looks to be working on one of the Bradleys. Hey, Alex, what's up? Nice cutoffs! Alex there was voted Miss Cocktail Onion during Fancy Mixed Drink Days in Aitkin last year. She had to give up her crown in midyear due to some unfortunate videos that appeared on YouTube, but we're pretty happy to have her working here at New Lugburz. She's just about done with her correspondence course on armored vehicle maintenance. Of course we paid for it, we take care of our own around here, haw haw!

RS: What on earth do you use a tank and Bradley fighting vehicles for up here?

Hulles: We use 'em in the cabbage flower fields. We find that they outperform normal tractors, plus they're lots more fun to drive. As a side benefit we've found that they tend to discourage Jehovah's Witnesses and the like.

RS: Cabbage flowers?

Hulles: Yeah, this is cabbage flower country up here. You don't see them used so much here in the States, but in many other places in the world people like to hold cabbage flowers in their ears. Foreigners, go figure. But the demand is rising and prices have held up pretty well the last couple of years, so we're thinking about planting another 80 acres next season.

See that swarm of flies over there past the pole barn? That's where we keep the dead horses. I like to come out and flog them occasionally; I find it tones up my deltoids and triceps and keeps me in shape for wielding the old Hulles cat-o'-nine-tails. When I'm dishing out a ten-lash punishment in front of the whole camp, I don't want to wimp out after eight lashes, haw haw!

RS: Jesus, that's a nasty smell from those horses! What's that pile of junk over there? Ouch! Did you just pinch my ass?

Hulles: Yeah, sorry, won't happen again. That over there is where we park the bandwagons. You can still read the sides of some of the older ones: see, that one says “Women's Lib” and that one over there says “Duran Duran”. The newer-looking one, you can't really read it from this angle but it says “Metrosexuality” on the side.

RS: It looks like the “Duran Duran” sign was spray painted on to hide “Milli Vanilli,” What's up with that?

Hulles: Over there underneath that other swarm of flies is our New Lugburz wood chipper. Looks like somebody forgot to hose it down after using it last, dang, that's something we're pretty strict about. If you stick around tonight you just might get to see if my dead horse flogging workouts have paid off once we find out who did this, haw haw! Janey, polish up the pillory for tonight, will ya? We've got company and we want it to look nice.

That building to your right there is the Hoe House. That's, um, that's where we keep the gardening tools. We grow our own produce here, and we're pretty proud that our New Lugburz kitchens are 100% organic.

RS: That's an awfully big building for gardening tools. Can we just take a peek ins--

Hulles: That place there with the wire fence is the Shih Tzu kennel. We raise 'em for skeet. See, we placed the kennel right next to the shooting range, that's good planning, I'm proud of that. I call it Skeet Tzu. Want to try your hand at it? Here, this is a Remington 12-gauge automatic with dog loads, tuck it tight into your shoulder when you pull the trigger. I'll just use the old Winchester pump here. Nancy, toss little Fluffy into the flinger for us, okay? Nancy there runs both the kennel and the skeet range. Occasionally she gets a little too attached to her charges -- in fact you can see her eyes misting up right now if you look carefully.

RS: I don't think tha--

Hulles: Pull! [yip yip yip yip BANG!] Got 'er! I love that red mist, that's what's nice about your Shih Tzus as opposed to your clay pigeons. What's wrong? Fluffy there had a nice litter just last week, the pups should be ready in about 6 months, it's not like we're running low or anything.

That big building we're coming up on is the barracks for the Hulles Death Commandos, right there next to the parade ground.

RS: Great! Part of the reason I'm up here today is to find out more about these so-called Death Commandos. Is it true that they're all women?

Hulles: Yep. Not only that, they're all attractive women with great bodies. Funny how that's worked out. Say, how'd you like to become a Death Commando?

RS: Ow, you just pinched me again, you old ba-

Hulles: Sorry, sorry, old habits die hard, haw haw! Most of the girls around here have taken to wearing Kevlar underwear, say it helps cut down on the bruising. This here's Nadia, the drill instructor. She looks like a supermodel but she used to train Spetznaz in the former Soviet Union, who would have guessed? Hi, Nadia! Carry on. Nastrovya or whatever. Her English isn't that good yet, but we've found that being able to speak is more of a hindrance than a help for a DI anyway. Regardless, Nadia's turned out to be superb at instilling the new Commando recruits with unthinking obedience and fawning dog-like devotion to yours truly. We're lucky to have her.

That naked woman over there with the AK47 is Black Diamond. We flew her in from Liberia just to shore up the Commandos with some experience. She's also turned out to be a wonder at intimidating blog critics and the like. I'd introduce you, but she's a little quick on the trigger if you know what I mean. Even I step lightly around her for a few days every month, haw haw! To celebrate her birthday last April she mortared the Book Depository where I store my unsold children's books and that we also use for sniper practice. High-spirited girl, that one.

Once we round this corner, there, there you can see some of the Hulles Death Commandos out on the parade ground practicing Outdoor Martini Mixing. We stress versatility in our training regimen, as you can see.

RS: Gross! Those look like Hooters uniforms!

Hulles: Word. We contracted with the same supplier as Hooters and actually got a pretty good deal on the uniforms. 'Course there's not much fabric to 'em, haw haw! Sometimes I like to have my morning Kahlua and Grape Nuts outdoors in a lawn chair and watch the Commandos do calisthenics. That, my dear, is a truly inspiring sight.

RS: I can't believe they let you get away with this. Jesus, you're a creepy and disgusting old pervert!

Hulles: Cha! What the hell good is making millions blogging if you don't get to indulge a fantasy or two now and then? Look at Michael Jackson, for chrissake. At least I don't mess with children. There's not a woman out there under 19.

RS: Point taken. How do you recruit for the Hulles Death Commandos, anyway?

Hulles: Usually I promise some cocktail waitress with a cute ass [missed you guys!] that I'll mention her in my blog, then I have her up to New Lugburz for a weekend, we go through a pro forma job interview in the Grotto out back of the Big House, and Bob's your uncle, we have us a new Death Commando.

Let's walk on up to the Big House. Watch where you step, we've had the goats through here recently.

RS: What's that little building to the left?

Hulles: We call that the Love Shack. I had built because it's over fifty yards from the Big House to the barracks and sometimes I can't make it the whole way without stopping to have sex. It's one of those things you don't think about in the planning stages and have to add later.

[End of part one of the interview.]

-- Hulles