I Can Explain....

I don’t really think about getting laid all the time. Honest, Mom, I’ve been so busy at the law firm (and yes, I still expect to make full partner any day now) that I had to hire a ghostblogger to keep up the Hulles entries recently. It turns out the college student that I retained for this purpose was both a crazed sex fiend and a smart*ss, a deadly combination. At least it was for him; his lifeless corpse is folded up in the trunk of my Audi as I write this. Good thing the weather’s cold here in Minnesota this time of year, otherwise that could be quite a mess, hah hah. (See, I remembered that I shouldn’t use those emoticon things, Mom, since you have so much trouble these days with tilting the computer monitor on its side.)

So yes, everything’s fine, I’m still married to BethAnn and she and the labs are doing just fine. Besides, even if I was playing around you don’t really think Cristina would help me in that kind of sordid behavior, do you? She’s such a sweet girl. Sure, maybe Juan Antonio would, but I would never ask his help. He’d set me up with someone like that Amber girl (see photo) in “Chasing Windmills,” which would kill me for sure. What a way to go though, hah hah. (Note to self: call Juan Antonio.¹)

Speaking of BethAnn and her barren womb, remember Heather III, my daughter from my sixth marriage? Guess what? It turns out she wasn’t killed in a horrible accident involving a beer truck. We ran into each other while commenting on Anne Frasier’s blog just the other day! (You remember Anne, the woman who writes the large-print zombie stories....) BTW, I already have a junior partner working on a defense for my not paying child support for seventeen years, so don’t worry about that. And guess what else? It turns out that Heather is homeless and needs a kidney! I already explained to her how she couldn’t live with me, my cat is allergic to white girls, so I gave her your address. I hope that’s okay. And about the kidney, you won’t be needing yours pretty quick, right? Just kidding, hah hah. But now that I think of it, I wonder if her blood type is compatible with the ghostblogger’s? That would be a win-win situation for sure. (Note to self: follow up on this right away, the weather’s supposed to get warmer.) See? I still remember how you taught me never to throw anything away that you might need on a rainy day.

So other than that, not much new. I did post my Dark Chocolate Raspberry Mousse recipe on my blog the other day. Remember that one, and how much trouble Grandma and I got into because of it? Boy, that was a scary time for a while. I thought I might not make partner at the firm after all. Good thing one of the senior partners found pictures of Grandma while he was surfing blue-hair porn and decided the whole thing was really quite understandable. It helped that I gave him the recipe and the name of Grandma’s nursing home, hah hah. (Darn it, it’s driving me crazy not to use emoticons!)

So that about wraps it up. I have to run, I’m having one of my people take all the Seans and Heathers from my previous marriages to a hockey game tonight so I need to call the ex’s and make sure this counts as a visitation. Tough being both a lawyer and an ex-dad these days!

And Mom, just to let you know, it should be safe to read my blog again from here on out. Love ya.

-- Hulles

1Sad to say, my Mom can't even tilt the monitor enough to read italics anymore, which is why I can get away with putting Notes to self in this blog entry.