Ode To The Caboose

I need to regain something of my composure after the previous entry, so this one will be about girls' butts, heh heh.

As I was driving to my writing lair the other day, I heard on the radio Sir Mix-A-Lot's classic paean to the plus-sized female posterior, “Baby Got Back:”

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing....

I just started laughing when it came on. It had been a long time since I had heard it, and it still sounded so damn good. In a sense, it's perfect just the way it is, which I suppose is why I called it a classic.

This started me thinking about big butts in general, and I immediately realized that I knew of another song about the same subject: “Fat Bottomed Girls” by Queen:

Oh you gonna take me home tonight (please)
Oh down beside your red firelight
Oh you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round
Get on your bikes and ride

Now you have to appreciate the irony of Freddie Mercury singing this song. He must have had a good time with it. And speaking of Freddie, he's one of the people I'd like to have lunch with in the “What Famous People Would You Most Like To Have Lunch With” game.

At this point I have to confess that I'm not a fan of the large roundness. I grew up in the farmlands of Iowa, where the standard female frame can most politely be called “sturdy.” That women could even have narrow hips never occurred to me until I went off to college. I eventually dated a woman who instructed me in the advantages of what I ended up calling the Italian racing model, and given the choice, I suppose I have preferred narrow hips ever since. But I don't know any songs about cute small asses, unfortunately.

If you are more of a Sir Mix-A-Lot woman, bear in mind that the above paragraph just expresses a general preference. I'm nothing if not adaptable.

And if you are female, the chances are you aren't happy with the booty, no matter what it looks like. I have found that there are in general two kinds of woman: one who has great breasts and thinks her ass is too big, and one who has a cute ass and thinks her breasts are too small. I realize that this comes from our society's emphasis on adherence to certain physical standards for women, but girls, give yourself some credit and love your own body as much as I would if I were there to do it for you.

For women with some junk in the trunk, you have science on your side. In doing the painstaking research for this entry that I always perform, I came across an article that says it's healthier to have a hip measurement of 40 inches or more. No shit. It even has a picture of Catherine Zeta Jones. It seems that hip fat contains adiponectin, a beneficial natural anti-inflammatory which prevents arteries from becoming blocked. So if you've got the big butt, by all means get on the bike and ride, because you'll live longer that those damn skinny fashion models.

And if you're at risk for blocked arteries, honey, I've got your back.

-- Hulles