I Can Make You A Star

As you know, I recently discussed Cristina's and Juan Antonio's efforts to get me laid and the result of those efforts. The result of those efforts was not that I got laid but that an amusing jingle was created, which is small comfort at 3 AM with an erection you could cut glass with.

I was thinking about that very thing – getting me laid, that is -- this morning when all of sudden another light bulb went off over my head. This light bulb was so incandescent that both I and my cat were effectively blinded for about twenty minutes.

To explain this for the people congenitally unable to follow hyperlinks, Cristina and Juan Antonio write, direct, produce and star in a daily web video series called “Chasing Windmills.” As I have said elsewhere, these are wonderfully crafted little movies that essentially create a sort of engrossing and addictive soap opera. And C & JA aren't selling much soap right now. But they will, and Windmills will prevail.

Having said that, the idea that suddenly came to me was that my kid makes movies. And she's my kid. And she loves me. And she wants me to get laid too, if only to shut me up for a day or two. Thus was born the “I can make you a star!” plan.

The plan is simple, and you probably already have it figured out. As I schmooze with the random popsy I can work the conversation around to this:

“You know, with your looks and talent I can make you a movie star! No, really! I can get you a part on 'Chasing Windmills.' It will probably be a small part, at least at first, but who knows where it will lead? You could be a famous star like Cristina, or at least like Amber. What is 'Chasing Windmills?' It's a very popular soap opera. You won't have seen it, it's on Bravo.”

After a bit more of this, I convince said popsy that we need to go to her apartment to discuss the details, etc., etc., fade to black. It would be my apartment but then I'd have to actually clean it once in a while.

You should know that I haven't really discussed this with Cristina and Juan Antonio yet. But I'm sure they would be flexible and write in a part for a gorgeous young blonde if I asked them to. It's for a noble cause, after all. What's not noble about wanting your ancient stepdad to repeatedly take advantage of a gullible 22-year-old barista with a tongue stud and great hooters?¹ Not a damn thing, is what. So of course they'll do it.

Ah, I'm about to become a voluptuary at last, whatever the hell that is. I wonder how much a casting couch costs. I suppose if you have to ask, your movies just aren't big enough yet. And they're not even my movies; they're my stepdaughter's and [whatever the hell Juan Antonio's official relationship title is]'s. Admittedly, that does make it a little weirder, but who cares? Just think of all the glass I won't have to cut.

-- Hulles

1As an aside, I originally wrote this, “to take advantage of...”, but changed it to its present “to repeatedly take advantage of....” I think it's interesting that the original phrase makes it sound like a minor foible or peccadillo, whereas inserting the word 'repeatedly' makes it sound like the moral equivalent of blowing up a bus full of nuns and baby ducks.