That's It, I'm Outta Here

I keep getting wonderful emails from Casti. I also keep getting creepy translations of them. So screw it. I'm learning Portuguese and going to Brazil.

I decided to learn the Portuguese language after a couple of recent Casti emails that sounded really sweet. I can no longer take not being able to understand exactly what she's saying. To me there's a big difference between “you're hot and I can't live without you” and “I'm dying from the heat.” Not to Babel Fish, though. I think it's intentionally trying to drive me crazy with its cryptic translations. It would seem that Babel Fish, for its own inscrutable reasons, has joined the swelling ranks of People, Places And Things Out To Get Me. In fact, it would not surprise me if what I imagine to be affectionate correspondence is really Casti threatening me with a dozen lengthy Brazilian lawsuits if I don't stop mentioning her on this blog. So I need to find out for myself. Then I'll lawyer up and change my blog name.

The clincher for actually going to Brazil, however, came from an entirely different source -- I recently learned thanks to Reuters (and they never lie; it's sort of the opposite of Fox News) that:

The mayor of a small Brazilian town has begun handing out free Viagra, spicing up the sex lives of dozens of elderly men and their partners.

Let's stop right here while I issue the following disclaimer: I am not elderly (except compared to you young whippersnappers), and I have never needed nor even tried Viagra. I do quite nicely on my own, thank you. In fact, I've considered contacting the pharma company that makes it to see if they need donors; I could use the money.

But I really like this town in Brazil, Novo Santo Antonio by name. They seem to have the right perspective on the role of government in the lives of its citizens:

"Since we started the free distribution of sexual stimulants, our elderly population changed. They're much happier," said Joao de Souza Luz, the mayor.

When's the last time your mayor gave a shit whether you were happy or not? Sure, he or she might say they want you to be happy, but do they hand out free Ecstasy at the city-sponsored rave, or give you a case of single-malt scotch and passes to the local strip club? I doubt it very much. This mayor, however, puts his money where his mouth is (in what ends up being an unfortunate turn of phrase on my part).

However, according to Reuters, the old guys aren't just using their newly-sharpened chisels on the busts of their wives. It sounds like a few mistresses are getting the benefit as well:

To discourage such illicit canoodling, Souza Luz said the city had decided to begin distributing the Viagra pills to the wives of the men who signed up for the program.

"That way, when the women are in the mood, they can give the pills to their husbands," he said.

I like this town. They see a problem, they fix it. And they don't do it by becoming holier than thou art and lambasting the poor elderly E-D sufferers who became perhaps a little over-excited with their new-found abilities. They don't self-righteously ban Viagra from the pharmacies of Novo Santo Antonio. They just say, “Dudes, if you want if for free from us, you gotta talk to the missus.” Saint Paul could certainly learn a thing or two from these guys, in my opinion.

The best part for me was what they named the program. which was “Pinto Allegre” in Portuguese. They translated it for the article as “Happy Penis,” but I'll bet it's really lots cruder than that. I leave it to you to come up with a suitable English version. I've thought of several, but some things are better left to the imagination.

So now you know why I'm learning Portuguese and going to Brazil: Casti, a pleasantly relaxed form of local government, and La Espia T.

Oops, forgot to mention that the totally hot La Espia T. speaks Portuguese and is taking a trip to Brazil soon. In an unusual display of magnanimity on my part I decided that I'm going along with her to protect her from the sex-crazed old men¹ in Brazil. It takes a thief to catch a thief, after all.

-- Hulles

1Hardened criminals, one might say.