Tuesday, May 08, 2007

"A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude."
- Oscar Wilde

I am seldom accused of not thinking big enough, but I've come to feel recently that this is exactly what I've done with the Hulles Flirting Academy. What I really think is needed is a Hulles Academy for Gentlemen of Distinction.

First, let us define what makes a gentleman. Simply put, a gentleman is a gracious man or woman. 'Gentleperson' doesn't cut the mustard, mostly because gentlepersonly behavior (e.g.) sounds dopey. Hopefully women are secure enough in their societal roles by now that we don't have to emasculate 'gentleman.' (And ouch, by the way.) But back to the matter at hand: my definition of a gentleman also connotes someone who thinks everyone else sucks but is too polite to say so.

I consider myself a gentleman, of course.

My Academy would certainly teach the art and science of flirting, per my other blog entry; but it would go beyond that -- it would instruct people in many other areas of gentlemanly behavior (see?). Some of these areas might be:

  • Suave Deportment
  • Sartorial Splendor
  • Gustatorial Delights
  • Dancing for White Guys
  • Female Anatomy for Men
  • Male Anatomy for Women

The opportunities are endless, and by the way I'm really happy that the Academy will have a Deportment Department.

Basically my Academy for Gentlemen of Distinction will turn out The Thin Man William Powells and Myrna Loys by the score. This will be a great boon for the liquor, tobacco and mustache wax industries, all of whom need a shot in the arm lately. And I'm thinking that if the Academy is as successful as it ought to be, we would add a Canine Deportment class or two so that we could turn out a bunch of Astas as well.

Once a man or woman has completed the gamut of courses that the Academy would offer and paid me many thousands of dollars in the process, the newly-fledged Gentleman of Distinction would have these qualities:

  • The GoD would own a tuxedo and accessories (link, studs, cummerbund, etc.). No tux rental for the GoD; that is for the lumpenproletariat, the worthless toads.


  • The GoD would be able to easily arch the right or left eyebrow as the situation requires.


  • The GoD would be able to delicately flare his or her nostrils on demand.


  • The GoD would be discrete -- no teller of tales he (or she).


  • The GoD would have a wry wit -- a silver tongue in a velvet glove, as it were.


  • The GoD would be a much-admired raconteur, endlessly able to tell stories that amuse and inform other GoD's and that make non GoD's feel incredibly stupid and coarse and desperate to enroll in my Academy.


  • The GoD would have discriminating taste in alcoholic beverages. He or she would drink only single-malt scotches, gin martinis, sherry or port. Okay, maybe an occasional imported beer, but only to be gracious to the lesser folk that may be present at the time. Noblesse oblige is I believe what this is called.


  • The GoD would be able to suavely purchase gifts of clothing for the other sex and do so routinely. See this site for an example of what I'm talking about here. [Note: if you're at work you might want to skip the link for now; see how I take care of you? - The Management]


  • The GoD would remain clear of eye and firm of grip, even after an eight-martini night.


  • The GoD would always remember WUDDS: witty, urbane, dashing, debonair, sophisticated. Two out of five should always be true, and five out of five would be expected when meeting the Queen, being interviewed on 60 Minutes, or shooting a rival in the forehead.


  • The GoD would be a deadly accurate shot with both rifle and pistol.


  • The GoD would have a gay personal shopper.


  • The GoD would make Martha Stewart feel like a hillbilly.


  • The GoD would tip with reckless abandon and nearly always graciously pick up the tab, particularly if out with me.


  • The GoD would hold doors, light cigarettes and walk on the outside at all times no matter what their gender.


  • The GoD would always maintain his or her equanimity, even in the face of tremendous obstacles like PMS or a killer hangover or a Pauly Shore movie marathon. The GoD would rarely be nonplussed and never dumbfounded.


  • The GoD would be knowledgeable about and occasionally smoke good cigars. He or she would have a nice humidor in their home, which I would of course be selling in the Academy at hideously marked-up prices. Ditto the cigars, come to think of it.


  • The GoD would always wear beautiful footwear and interesting underthings.


Some attributes would only apply to male gentlemen:

  • The GoD would always leave the toilet seat down.

  • The GoD would always stock tampons, a moisturizer, a hair dryer and a hand mirror in his bathroom, especially if single.

  • The GoD would allow the lady to come first unless in a busy parking lot or an elevator, in which case she takes her chances.


Other attributes would only apply to female gentlemen:

  • The GoD would swallow.


I could go on and on and often do, but you get the gist of the thing. I welcome your opinions and comments on my new Hulles Academy for Gentlemen of Distinction; rest assured your opinions will be the first ones I ignore when I open HAGD Numero Uno. So by all means let me know.

-- Hulles

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love the idea of the Academy! Of course, cK doesn't need to go to the academy, but I can think of several men (and women) who I've crossed paths with in my life who could benefit.

PMS = Productive Members of Society?

Erin

cK said...

I think I better practice that nostril flaring in the mirror. The Muse is so much better at it.

Until then, I will not be a GoD so much as a Distinct Gentleman.

Yours in ataxia,
-cK

Hulles said...

Erin, yeah, me too. "Women do not find it difficult nowadays to behave like men; but they often find it extremely difficult to behave like gentlemen." - Compton MacKenzie

cK, practice makes perfect. It took me years to refine my technique to the awesome flaring that it is today. And what are you doing in Ataxia? Isn't that in Georgia?

Eva Gale said...

"a silver tongue in a velvet glove, as it were"

You meant it that way? Oh, my.

I've got my end covered. Some of you gentlemen might need some work.

Hulles said...

Eva, you have no idea how happy I am that your end is covered. And I've always liked that particular mangled metaphor that (I think) I managed to make up myself. Hulles the Metaphor Mangler at your service.

Stephen Blackmoore said...

I think you should offer accelerated and refresher courses for those of us who already own our own tuxedos, drink single malt scotch and enjoy the occasional Arturo Fuente. I'm still working on getting that gay personal shopper, though.

Tate said...

First, I believe you have the blueprint for Rhett Butler.

Second, I believe I qualify for the male GoD but definitely not the female GoD.

Hulles said...

Stephen, actually I had you down for an instructor. I'll hook you up with the personal shopper.

Tate, that's why there's a school.

Kristen Painter said...

Hmm. Unfortunately, I don't really come down on the gentle side. I'm too much of the speak first, think later crowd. Brash, bold and blonde, that's me.

I'm all about the beautiful footwear, though.

Lollie said...

This was excellent. Thanks for this. However, the clothing site just didn't do it for me...made her bits look small and uninterestingly out of proportion. Hmmm, curious.

"The GoD would be a deadly accurate shot with both rifle and pistol" and retorts?

Walking "on the outside" is nearly dead, thank you for the reminder.

I , like Tate, am a gentleman too. I hold doors and stock a mean guest bathroom. I am also WUDDS, except when I am burping and farting my way through life. I slip in these areas. So sue me.

pj said...

I've got a school, too!!

Polly's Place of Plebian Pursuits

Know Your Food:
You watched it being born -- now kill it and eat it.

Shoot, Shovel and Shutup:
The three S's of protecting personal property.

It Ain't Broke:
It just lacks duct tape.

Ann Vremont said...

PJ's school sounds like it's located somewhere between the hills have eyes and Red Green's cabin.

Shmoop said...

Can I please be a Lady instead of a Gentleman?

Hulles said...

Kristen, there's a special school for people like you. And if I ever find out where it is, I'm hanging around in front of the school after it lets out. I'm not sure why I said "beautiful footwear" in retrospect. I think I was trying to appeal to a female audience with that one. Hunh.

Lollie, trust me, they look better when worn by the right person. And I know you're a gentleman already. And a lady.

pj, I have a degree from your school already and I got it in the same place you did. Thanks for that.

ann, you pretty much got it right.

shmoop, I have no doubt in my mind that you're a lady already. In fact, I now sort of regret making HAGD a coeducational school. There should be a separate one for ladies. Someone else would have to create it, though. Any takers? We could have fall mixers and shit. The only thing I would chip in with is that the deadly accurate shot thing should be for ladies too.

Shmoop said...

"The only thing I would chip in with is that the deadly accurate shot thing should be for ladies too."

I am so full on with you there.

Claire said...

Thought-provoking and amusing, as always!

Cxx

SuperBee said...

A GoD would never be caught dead in a cummerbund. A vest if the situation calls for one (i.e. Prom or your best friend's wedding where you have to be all matchy-matchy at the Bimah, even though you loathe the idea of wearing a clip-on bowtie...), but better yet - nothing. Current fashion allows for vests and cummerbunds to be omitted.

And you left out all mention of pocketsquares.

Ooh. That reminds me, I'd better get the Tux in to the Tailor for some tweaks before this summer's round of weddings...

Shmoop said...

"The GoD would have a gay personal shopper."

I disagree with this one. I don't want a man to dress metrosexual.

If he has an intelligent woman, she can advise him on his wardrobe. Just don't expect her to make the purchases herself. Unless it's a gift.

A woman knows she's gotten herself in trouble when her man doesn't know what size HE wears. ::Shmoop rolls her eyes at herself::

Jen said...

"However, the clothing site just didn't do it for me...made her bits look small and uninterestingly out of proportion. Hmmm, curious."

I thought small lady bits were desirable. That's what I've heard from men anyway.

Hulles said...

shmoop, no namby-pamby women swooning all over the place for us. Right on.

Claire, thank you dear. XO.

Bee, I disagree about the cummerbund but then again I haven't been to a tuxable affair in a while. And too right, pocket squares are de riguer.

Hulles said...

shmoop, I tried twice to leave a long comment saying that GPS's dress you according to your taste, not theirs, but they got eaten so I'll just restrict myself to saying that a good GPS will dress you Republican, metrosexual or (in my case) evening gown and pumps. Kidding about the last part.

Jen, I've always thought lady bits were desirable no matter what size, but that's just me.

SteamyDreamer said...

I read you all the time....and go to my blog...I tagged you! You can find the link for steamydreams at tate's blog!

Hulles said...

Uh oh. This is going to hurt, isn't it? I know it's going to hurt.... Sigh. Okay, okay, I'll go....

Eva Gale said...

Hulles, you've been Double Dog Tagged, and Snark WANTED to tag you but was too afraid of using emoticons.

I am just the messenger. *g*

Hulles said...

I'm on it.