- Oscar Wilde
I am seldom accused of not thinking big enough, but I've come to feel recently that this is exactly what I've done with the Hulles Flirting Academy. What I really think is needed is a Hulles Academy for Gentlemen of Distinction.
First, let us define what makes a gentleman. Simply put, a gentleman is a gracious man or woman. 'Gentleperson' doesn't cut the mustard, mostly because gentlepersonly behavior (e.g.) sounds dopey. Hopefully women are secure enough in their societal roles by now that we don't have to emasculate 'gentleman.' (And ouch, by the way.) But back to the matter at hand: my definition of a gentleman also connotes someone who thinks everyone else sucks but is too polite to say so.
I consider myself a gentleman, of course.
My Academy would certainly teach the art and science of flirting, per my other blog entry; but it would go beyond that -- it would instruct people in many other areas of gentlemanly behavior (see?). Some of these areas might be:
- Suave Deportment
- Sartorial Splendor
- Gustatorial Delights
- Dancing for White Guys
- Female Anatomy for Men
- Male Anatomy for Women
The opportunities are endless, and by the way I'm really happy that the Academy will have a Deportment Department.
Basically my Academy for Gentlemen of Distinction will turn out The Thin Man William Powells and Myrna Loys by the score. This will be a great boon for the liquor, tobacco and mustache wax industries, all of whom need a shot in the arm lately. And I'm thinking that if the Academy is as successful as it ought to be, we would add a Canine Deportment class or two so that we could turn out a bunch of Astas as well.
Once a man or woman has completed the gamut of courses that the Academy would offer and paid me many thousands of dollars in the process, the newly-fledged Gentleman of Distinction would have these qualities:
The GoD would own a tuxedo and accessories (link, studs, cummerbund, etc.). No tux rental for the GoD; that is for the lumpenproletariat, the worthless toads.
The GoD would be able to easily arch the right or left eyebrow as the situation requires.
The GoD would be able to delicately flare his or her nostrils on demand.
The GoD would be discrete -- no teller of tales he (or she).
The GoD would have a wry wit -- a silver tongue in a velvet glove, as it were.
The GoD would be a much-admired raconteur, endlessly able to tell stories that amuse and inform other GoD's and that make non GoD's feel incredibly stupid and coarse and desperate to enroll in my Academy.
The GoD would have discriminating taste in alcoholic beverages. He or she would drink only single-malt scotches, gin martinis, sherry or port. Okay, maybe an occasional imported beer, but only to be gracious to the lesser folk that may be present at the time. Noblesse oblige is I believe what this is called.
The GoD would be able to suavely purchase gifts of clothing for the other sex and do so routinely. See this site for an example of what I'm talking about here. [Note: if you're at work you might want to skip the link for now; see how I take care of you? - The Management]
The GoD would remain clear of eye and firm of grip, even after an eight-martini night.
The GoD would always remember WUDDS: witty, urbane, dashing, debonair, sophisticated. Two out of five should always be true, and five out of five would be expected when meeting the Queen, being interviewed on 60 Minutes, or shooting a rival in the forehead.
The GoD would be a deadly accurate shot with both rifle and pistol.
The GoD would have a gay personal shopper.
The GoD would make Martha Stewart feel like a hillbilly.
The GoD would tip with reckless abandon and nearly always graciously pick up the tab, particularly if out with me.
The GoD would hold doors, light cigarettes and walk on the outside at all times no matter what their gender.
The GoD would always maintain his or her equanimity, even in the face of tremendous obstacles like PMS or a killer hangover or a Pauly Shore movie marathon. The GoD would rarely be nonplussed and never dumbfounded.
The GoD would be knowledgeable about and occasionally smoke good cigars. He or she would have a nice humidor in their home, which I would of course be selling in the Academy at hideously marked-up prices. Ditto the cigars, come to think of it.
The GoD would always wear beautiful footwear and interesting underthings.
Some attributes would only apply to male gentlemen:
The GoD would always leave the toilet seat down.
The GoD would always stock tampons, a moisturizer, a hair dryer and a hand mirror in his bathroom, especially if single.
The GoD would allow the lady to come first unless in a busy parking lot or an elevator, in which case she takes her chances.
Other attributes would only apply to female gentlemen:
The GoD would swallow.
I could go on and on and often do, but you get the gist of the thing. I welcome your opinions and comments on my new Hulles Academy for Gentlemen of Distinction; rest assured your opinions will be the first ones I ignore when I open HAGD Numero Uno. So by all means let me know.-- Hulles