Friday, May 11, 2007

I have been "memed." It seems that there is brain virus going around that has struck a bunch of my friends simultaneously. SteamyDreamer, Eva Gale and, horror of horrors, Visual Snark are all intent on watching me writhe in agony then pass on this malady to a bunch of other innocent and unsuspecting people. I'll get you for this....

First you should know that as a crusty old curmudgeon normally I don't do memes, nor do I pass along chain letters and Pray to Jesus emails. This is mostly because I think memes are cute, and therefore should be gunned down in their tracks as if they were Hello Kitties. As I once said in a comment on someone's blog, "Cute ain't Hulles and Hulles ain't cute." Make of that what you will.

However, since these people are near and dear to my heart, or would be if I had one, I acquiesce just this once. You may regret it.

I confess to being a little curious why these folks think I can even come up with eight things. My life is an open book -- or at least an open graphic novel -- and in this blog I have bared my soul completely and have no remaining quirks or foibles to expose that I haven't talked about ad nauseam already.

But I'll see what I can do.

Here are the rules:

* Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about him/herself.

* People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

* At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

* Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

If you would like to be -- or at least tolerate being -- tagged yourself, please leave me a comment.

1, When I have an orgasm, my penis vibrates rapidly which causes an eerie humming sound to come out of my partner's vagina. Many women have found this disconcerting at first, but typically it doesn't take long for them to find it extremely pleasurable. Also during orgasm I emit a small localized EMP (electromagnetic pulse) from my brain which resets my clock radio and other nearby appliances and forces my upstairs neighbor to reprogram his VCR. This is really the reason I will ask you to come to my place for sex when I meet you -- my upstairs neighbor sucks.

2. While I didn't exactly participate in killing Jimmy Hoffa, I did help run the cement mixer during his interment in the Meadowlands. Not many people know this about me.

3. As a kid I once ate a pair of Fruit of the Loom briefs belonging to my friend Rick during a sleepover. Fortunately for both of us he wasn't wearing them at the time. In fact, he never found out about it. When he discovered them missing, I told him about the Underwear Gnomes that come at night and steal kids' underpants. I also told him that they bite the ears off any little boy that leaves skidmarks in them. I understand from his wife that he still believes in Underwear Gnomes to this day, for which she is eternally grateful.

4. I hate John Mayer. I hate his music and I hate him. See the "Cute ain't Hulles..." comment above. He's never actually done anything to me personally to make me hate him, but it disgusts me that every woman I've ever thought attractive swoons over him. Not that I'm jealous exactly, but I'm saving up money to get John and I tickets to see the Giants play in the Meadowlands.


5. One day not so long ago I took a shit that looked like Millard Fillmore. I carefully put it in a Zip-Loc bag (the big size) and stuck it in the freezer so I could enter it in the State Fair. I was very much disheartened to find out they didn't have a turd sculpture contest as I was certain I had clinched the blue ribbon. I still haven't decided what to do with it yet, but it's just way too cool to throw out. Lately I've been trying to shit James Buchanan, aka "Old Buck," but so far without acceptable result. Someday I hope to have a complete fecal presidential collection and open my own museum.

6. I am really the one responsible for sending you all the spam you receive in your email inbox. No one else gets them but you; I carefully craft each one to maximally offend your taste and sensibility. But by the way, you really did win the UK lottery -- you didn't delete that one, did you? Heh heh. And you really should contact me for the best prices on Ambien and Xanax.

7. I have slept with 8,359 women so far, and it's still early afternoon as I write this. I have to get a new bed about every three years because of whittling down the headboard by carving notches in it.

8. I have a 5th tattoo that no one knows about. It was done surgically on my left kidney in radioactive ink; you can only see it in X-rays. It says "Born to Glow." I don't know what it means exactly because both I and the surgeon were drunk when I got it.

There. Now I really have no secrets left, and the extraction hurt considerably. But no pain is too great to suffer for my friends, so I won't bitch any more, at least about that. But remember, revenge is a dish best served cold....

Memed so far: H, JC, jerseychick.

-- Hulles

16 comments:

H said...

Fascinating. And I never really thought John Mayer was that attractive, but I saw this picture of him at the Met's Costume Institute Gala, and he was channeling Johnny Depp, and I thought, "Hey. He's kinda cute."

Also, I would be willing to be tagged.

Hulles said...

H, enjoy Mr. Mayer while you can, heh heh. And, yippee! Consider yourself tagged!

Anonymous said...

Maybe one day you can take a shit that looks like John Mayer.

Erin

Lollie said...

Room for Squares got me through my divorce - I don't really give a crap what he looks like, but the line "One pair of candy lips and Your bubblegum tongue" moves me. He also does a lovely concert. And he has a sense of humour - I read his blog once. Not sure about being tagged...I have to admit, I'd rather be blogiviewed/interblogged. I guess I just prefer being forced into a specific answer rather than just giving up all about me willingly.

Lollie said...

...and are you sure your kidney tattoo doesn't say Gorn to Blow?

Eva Gale said...

You are KILLING me.

Ho my god that was too funny.

visualsnark said...

before i read this, i want to go on record as stating i did NOT tag you, sir. I said elsewhere I wanted to tag you, but likened memes to LOLs and :-) :-) :-) ... which I know you do not cherish :-P

visualsnark said...

more fodder... a guide to hulles and his living quarters...i can't believe i'll have to have an arrow pointing to either a refrigerator or a toilet and reference a millard fillmore-ish turd.

SteamyDreamer said...

**triple snorting here**

Thanks...I needed that!

JC said...

Effing A, Hulles, you've outdone yourself again (no small task, to be sure).

1. Turd is such a great word. While poop and shit have nearly unrivaled usage, nothing beats 'turd' in the hilarity category of scatalogical terms. In fact, should you meme me, at least one of my entries will be an expose of this word.

2. If there is a Hulles graphic novel in the works, I want a piece of it. I will write, draw, or both, with your creative approval, of course.

3. Turd is such a great word. Worth mentioning again, Har!!!

4. The slightly Nordic-looking KAS and I are in need of a real Texas Brain-Cell Massacre with you in attendance. Please email me to let me know how we can make this happen.

5. While I too abhore John Mayer, nothing brings the bile up faster for me than James Blunt. Ulmph, I think I just puked in my mouth a little from typing his name. Gross.

A la prochaine!

angie said...

You really are the curmudgeon king, ain't ya?

And no, I will not participate in this bizarre tag and release program known as a meme.

EMP, presidential turds, and cement mixers...Ufda!

JerseyChick said...

If the museum thing doesn't work out, you could sell it on eBay.

Wow! You could run a cement mixer at age 3?

Hulles said...

Erin, they all do.

Lollie, you are NOT tagged, though I may interview you some time. I even know what kind of stuff I'd ask; be afraid, be very afraid. And no, but I thought about having it say "wolG ot nroB" so I could read it in the mirror correctly during an Xray. I went the classic traditional radiated-ink internal tattoo route instead.

Eva, thanks. Just wait.

Visualsnark, I knew that, I was just using literary license there (i.e. lying). And... Urk? A Guide? Uh oh, better clean the place up quick.

SteamyDreamer, you are welcome. And thanks for commenting at last.

JC, thanks. TBCM sounds great! I'll send you an email. And consider yourself memed.

angie, high praise indeed. And thanks for reading me, but get back to writing now. Thanks and XO.

jerseychick, eBay's a great idea. I of course saw the toast that looked like Jesus or whatever it was. But I'm going to establish the museum in the first Gentleman Academy, maybe as a separate wing or something. With special climate control, of course. And you is memed. Thank me later.

Hulles said...

Oh yeah, Jerseychick, I could run a cement mixer at age 3. At 5 I could drive a D-8 caterpillar (stole that from Terri).

Rett said...

I have been missing out by not reading your blog over the last few weeks. I am not going to stop thinking about turd-sculpting for a while now...I do want to clarify though, could you do Millard again if you wanted to?

Also, I too have never cared for John Mayer, but I have to second Lollie's comment that he is actually a funny dude. I read a post of his a while back about a screenplay for Grey's Anatomy that was great (http://www.johnmayer.com/blog/john/200701)

Hulles said...

Rett, I could probably manage do a shitty likeness. So to speak. But it wouldn't be the work of art that the original one is. It's all about finely-tuned sphincter control and it takes years to learn and perfect.