Thursday, May 24, 2007

[This post is another of my favorites, not because it is particularly well-written but because I love the subject. When I'm lying in some dismal hospital somewhere with some rare but invariably fatal STD I want the Make-A-Wish people to send me Black Diamond. No need to wrap her. -- The Management]

[And I hope to get back to brand new posts next week. -- The Management]


Several years ago, I was staying in a hotel in Montreal. The hotel provided a complimentary morning newspaper, and somehow magically they knew I was an Anglophone so the paper was the English-language Toronto Globe and Mail. I was reading that rather staid newspaper one morning, and stumbled across this article.

The article is about a woman named Black Diamond and her band of female guerillas in Liberia. Apparently, they are quite vicious and widely feared “by friend and foe alike”. I have to imagine I have at least one ex-girlfriend among them. Regardless, the part I liked best about the article was the following quotation:

"These women have no pity, no sympathy," said Cpl. Thompson W. Dahn of Taylor's Anti-Terrorist Unit militia, who went up against Black Diamond's women earlier this month. "They shoot, they get naked themselves, and they drive me fearful."

Now I really like that last line. A lot. Enough to have remembered it for 3 years, so I could trot it out now for your reading pleasure. Here it is again:

"They shoot, they get naked themselves, and they drive me fearful."

Dang.

Another part of the article that impressed me was attributed to Jacques Klein, the top United Nations official for Liberia:

"Women are always to be feared. Have you been to Florida? It is full of women with blue hair who have killed their husbands."

Smug SOB, isn’t he? I suppose it is too much to hope that Black Diamond got naked and kicked his ass into the next continent after the article was written. No wonder men get a bad rap. If he’s married, I can only imagine that his wife is thinking about moving to Florida soon herself.

At any rate, we men need to ask ourselves what we can learn from this news article. I would suggest that it teaches us a) you can only fuck women over for so long before they kick your ass, and b) if you’re in Tubmanburg, Liberia, you might want to keep your sexist comments to yourself.

As a final note, after re-reading the article for this blog entry, I decided that the next time I go out for cocktails, like Black Diamond I’m going to “celebrate with many mortars” and drink a toast to women everywhere who shoot, get naked themselves, and drive me fearful.

- Hulles

12 comments:

Lollie said...

Hmmm, I live in Florida, and I'm on husband number 2.

We don't all have blue hair you know...Muahahahaha!

Shmoop said...

I so needed that. Thank you, Hulles.

I'll have to do some back reading, it seems.

visualsnark said...

that was wonderful

Eva Gale said...

"Women are always to be feared. Have you been to Florida? It is full of women with blue hair who have killed their husbands."

I know one of those, but she's short and blonde.

Hulles said...

Lollie, regarding the blue hair, it's a rinse that can be purchased in any drug store and would look lovely on you I'm sure. And nice bloomers once again!

Shmoop, just don't go too far back. I should really get rid of some of the earliest posts. If you find any you really like, send me an email or just comment on them. I'm trying to put a portfolio together to peddle my ass to a syndicator. And thanks lots.

VisualSnark, thank you dear. I aim to please, unlike Black Diamond, who aims to kill.

Eva, who on earth could you be talking about?

cK said...

Perhaps they are the origin of the Fine Young Cannibals' "She Drives Me Crazy" song.

It was actually to be about naked militant women in Liberia. It's not a bad strategy. The naked, blue-painted, druidic Celts of 2000+ years ago terrified the Romans simply by being naked an painted blue.

And that sort of culture is one of the (many) reasons I will never go near the Burning Man festival. The last place I want to be is trapped out Beyond Thunderdome with some whacked out, pseudo-hippy who's painted tiger stripes around his waist and who wants to talk to me about the music.
-cK

Lollie said...

cK: He won't want to talk to you about the music, he'll want to lick the insides of your mouth. Don't ever go.

H said...

I'm loving the reruns -- it's like a blast from the Hulles past! But I'm ready for new stuff, too. Bring it on.

Loved the post, as usual.

Casti said...

Hulles, diante do avanço da cosmética mundial, as mulheres de todas as cores de cabelo devem ser temidas e certamente inspiradoras... rss.
Apenas dando uma passadinha em Minnesota para deixar um abraço!!!

Bjão,
Casti

Uau... Atiradoras de faca, cabelos coloridos... Diversidade!

Eva Gale said...

www.ferfelabat.com

Consider yourself warned.

Hulles said...

cK, Lolliem no Burning Man Festival for me either. Unless I get better drugs.

H, thanks lots. As usual!

Casti, você é assim direito que as mulheres de todas as cores do cabelo devem ser temidas! E obrigado vindo perto, como sempre. Beijos e abraços, Hulles

Hulles said...

Eva, ?????