Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Man is the hunter; woman is his game:
The sleek and shining creatures of the chase,
We hunt them for the beauty of their skins.

- Alfred Tennyson


I woke up this morning, much to my surprise, and spat out the toy mouse my cat had apparently placed in my mouth to muffle my snoring. It hit the bedroom wall with a sort of splat sound and stuck for a second before it dropped to the floor. I fumbled around blindly on the nightstand by my bed for my eye chisel, then used the chisel end to remove the grout from my eyes and the little prybar on the other end to prise my eyelids apart. I then resignedly groped for the half-empty tumbler also sitting on the nightstand and downed it in a gulp. Much to my chagrin I found that I had been drinking Captain Morgan and goat urine again the night before. "Alas, I suffer the agenbite of inwit, Mimi," I said to my cat. Actually, what I said was "Mmph grkl," but after eight years of house pet bliss she knew what I meant.

Later while whimpering in the bathroom I recalled that one of the many great ideas I had hatched the night before was to open a flirting school, or more precisely, a flirting studio. This would be much like an Arthur Murray® Dance Studio except it would just be for flirting. Great idea, eh?

"Hulles, why on earth would you want to open a flirting studio?" I can hear you thinking. And by the way, your lips are moving as you think this. Just saying, is all. Anyway, the reason I want to open a flirting studio is for the simple reason that people need to learn how to flirt and, even more importantly, they need to learn how to react appropriately when being flirted with. So, in a spirit of public service that for once isn't court-ordered, I thought I would step up to the plate and educate everyone about flirtation. And charge everyone an arm and a leg for the privilege, of course.

This all came about because I inadvertently terrorized a couple of cute young lasses last night as I flirted with them. Being Hulles, noted raconteur, sex dog and man-about-town, normally I elicit cow-eyed adoration in the opposite sex when I deign to interact with them at all. Such was not the case last night, however. Granted, at times I can be a little heavy-handed ("Hey dollface, let me sex you down in the back of a limo. Now go rent the limo while I stay here and drink...") but last night I'm pretty sure I was only just slightly over the top a teensy weensy bit ("Hi honey, you're awfully cute, ever think about dating your grandfather?"). I guess I just scared the poor girls because they weren't expecting to hear that from some seedy old white guy who looks remarkably like a stalker and who in fact played one recently in the movies.

Fuck 'em, it's a beautiful world with sharp jagged edges and they should be made of sterner stuff.

But still, somebody should tell them that a person with an obvious sense of humor who says outrageously bizarre things to them is only flirting (and, by the way, amusing the bartender tremendously). So I'm going to teach them this in my Hulles Flirting Studio. I'll teach them how to distinguish flirting by a gentleman of distinction from harassment by a perverted creep (the words are mostly the same in each case but a viable sense of humor is the key here, as it is in so many things). I'll teach them how to flirt back even more outrageously so that much fun and laughter can be had by all. And I'll teach them how to politely tell the aforesaid gentleman of distinction to fuck off because he's not funny at all, he's just drunk, and tell him in such a pleasant and amusing fashion that he doesn't even realize he got the brushoff until the next morning when he winces as he reviews the previous night's adventures in the midst of an Olympic-class hangover (see agenbite of inwit, above).

My studio would also teach men how to flirt and be flirted with, but that's really the topic of another post I'll write someday so I won't go into that here. Suffice it to say that, much like an Arthur Murray® Dance Studio, I intend to employ extremely hot men and women as flirtation instructors so they can drive the forlorn and lonely people who enroll in my studio crazy with feigned affection. This is to make these poor sods sign up for class after class that they don't need and can't afford so that they can feel desirable for a few minutes a week. Sure it's cruel and heartless, but at least I'm not making them jerk and stagger about awkwardly all over the dance floor. They can even sit down while they flirt if they want. Maybe I'll even serve cocktails.

Wow, I just got a great idea - a lap flirt! Have to think about that one....

So if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a storefront with a massive plate glass window on a busy thoroughfare so that people can feel like überdorks when they are seen taking my lame and overpriced flirting classes. I'm not sure why this is important but wiser heads than mine have convinced me that it is. Then I'll open up my flirting school and be able to call it The Hulles® Flirting Studio and be rolling in money and go live in Brazil and give up this blogging shit that doesn't pay squat. Oh yeah, and while I"m out looking for studio space I'm going to stop at the co-op and buy more goat urine. The stuff grows on you after a while, much like Jãgermeister or a bad case of jock itch.

-- Hulles

28 comments:

Eva Gale said...

Flirting is a lost art, and you *should* open the studio. You're a delightful flirter.

But you know what? You can't teach wit. You either have it or you don't. A good education helps, but alot if it is delivery.

Eva Gale said...

Another reason the world needs the studio. Many women now a days think witty flirting is sexual harassment. Perish the thought. You could start a flirting revival. Maybe get a big red striped tent?

Hulles said...

Eva, um, gosh, thanks (blushes a little under his beard). And re your comment, it's funny that I can tell in about 2 seconds if someone is a person I want to talk to or not just by being funny (I think) as I flirt with the person. It's pretty useful in that regard; saves me time. And revival? I'm not sure I could do the tent thing. But one person at a time, sure, no problem.

Tate said...

Oh my goodness, yes, please teach men how to flirt and recognize flirt. I love to flirt but so many men just think, "Who's the fat cougar?" 'Course, if I quit trying to flirt with the 20-something hardbodies that might not happen so much. Ignorant young toads.

BTW, flirting online is so much more difficult than in person. So much can be said with just a look.

visualsnark said...

Who list her hunt, I put him out of doubt,
As well as I may spend his time in vain.
And graven with diamonds in letters plain
There is written, her fair neck round about:
Noli me tangere, for Caesar's I am,
And wild for to hold, though I seem tame.

~Wyatt

Kisses

Jen said...

I'm expecting my employment contract to arrive any day now.

Lollie said...

Ooh - who would you have as a Celebrity Guest Flirt Instructor to teach a Masterclass?

Heather Harper said...

I'm shocked that you drink your goat urine with pirate liquor. Brave man you are. I mix mine with seltzer...

Casti said...

Eclético Hulles,

Vim de longe flertar com suas palavras e encontrei uma escola do Hulles diferenciada,(quem sabe com uma filial no Brasil...rss) um drink exótico, um ramster mais exótico ainda!!! É bom andar pelas terras e novidades de Minnesota!

Bj
Casti

Anonymous said...

You are the perfect owner for a studio of flirtation! How much fun would that be?! And, it IS sorely needed! Men in the South have no trouble flirting, but up here, it's a different story. Maybe you should send a talent scout to the Southern states and hire some Southern men to come teach your technique. Women would be drooling over their accents! (Well, at least the ones who aren't from the sticks!)

Erin

Jen said...

There was a survey that showed that MN men are the shyest in the country and MN women are the loneliest.

Hulles said...

Tate, I agree with you on flirting online -- it is much harder. The good thing is nobody can take a swing at you online....

And keep flirting with the 20-something hardbodies, even if they are ignorant young toads (which I love btw). It's good for them.

Visual Snark, how wonderful. Noli me tangere indeed; I get that a lot. Kisses back at you.

Jen, you would be the first instructor, no doubt. Contract's in the mail.

Lollie, I'm not sure. Any suggestions?

Heather, arrgh, I do be a brave man. And a virile one too, so batten down your hatches, matey.

Casti, eu desejo que você estava andando as terras e novidades de Minnesota. Tenha apenas cuidado da bebida! Bjs!

Erin, I think you should run the place and hire all the Southern men you can round up.

Hulles said...

Jen, the loneliest? Really? Well it ain't because I'm sitting at home sighing and pining away, that's for sure....

Missy said...

You can tell alot about a person by the way the respond to flirtation. Great idea!

On a side note, I know that über has became a popular word in the American culture, I'm guessing here but I think it is supposed to be a synonym for ultimate, great or best. But I stumble over it because of its German meaning.

über - over; above; more than; across; about, of, on. A couple of examples: über sprechen - talk about; über Nacht bleiben - stay overnight.


Sorry for the German lesson - you can count it among my many faults.

visualsnark said...

oh, and i vote for employing a whole bunch of southern men, even though i married a michigander

cK said...

Well done.
-cK

MERLIN said...

Are men from Michigan really called "Michiganders" ? Seriously - I need an answer to this.

M.

Lollie said...

You know, the celebrity from whom I would like to get flirt and the celebrity who would be good at flirting may be two completely different entities...

Jen said...

Huh...not in the mail today. I'll look again tomorrow.

And, believe me, I know that you are not shy in the least. But that doesn't really negate the fact that MN women are lonely. Perhaps the shy men are the ones those women really want... ;-)

MERLIN said...

Hi Hulles,

Richard Thompson playing here in Cardiff on July 24 and about 2 miles from my house.

What a wonderful world (sometimes).

M.

MERLIN said...

.....and in St Paul about a month before that or so I'm informed.

Claire said...

Hee, Hulles! That school would rule!

Cxx

Hulles said...

Missy, while you're into German I'm into neology, and I stand by überdork. I still like the word lots. And thanks, too.

visualsnark, the Michigander is a lucky man from my point of view. I'll let Erin do the talent scouting for southern men.

ck, thank you.

Merlin, yep. And the women are called Michigeese.

Lollie, I suspect you're right. Just bear in mind that I give good flirt too...

Jen, if you're implying that MN women don't want me, great. I didn't need you to tell me that. When the contract arrives, rip it up....

Hi, Merlin. What a fortunate thing! I hope it works out that I can see him when he's here. I'll have to keep an eye out.

Claire, it would rule. I would fly you in as a guest instructor for sure.

Jen said...

I imply nothing!

Hey, look! It works!

Thanks! And yes, that is some shameless self-promotion. But look at the pretty place I work with all the beautiful girls! :-)

Hulles said...

Jen, tch tch. Good thing the web site does have a picture of beautiful girls otherwise I'd have to spank you for the commercial. Tell your co-workers hi and that I'm single.

Jen said...

I like spankings! ;-)

anne frasier said...

i'm a bit late to the conversation, but i love the idea of a flirting school.

Hulles said...

Jen, sigh....

Anne, I'm glad you like it. You're going to be working there as well! So better late than never.