Thursday, April 12, 2007

[See "Cry Of The Werehamster: The First Part" for the first part of this story, and "Cry Of The Werehamster: The Next Part" for the next part of this story. -- The Management]

As evening fell and the thick fog rolled in, Frank the squirrel was getting ready for his big date. He was cheerfully humming Irving Berlin songs to himself as he carefully groomed his tail and trimmed his claws with his teeth. Earlier he had been humming Cole Porter songs but he eventually remembered that Al and Seamus had told him Cole Porter show tunes were super-gay so he switched to Irving Berlin. "That'll show 'em," he thought to himself with some satisfaction.

Finally he felt he was ready for Doris his date to arrive, but as he looked into the human house from his tree -- he thought of the owner, Larry Talbot, as his human -- to view the clock he found to his chagrin that it was only 8 PM. This was bothersome to Frank because Doris was not expected until 9 PM; as a result he found himself with some time on his paws. "Hmmm," said Frank to himself, "perhaps I'll just go for a short walk in this thick soupy fog while I wait for Doris to arrive. Lucky for me, although Doris isn't the prettiest squirrel in the neighborhood, she's punctual. And she's thrifty. And she has wonderful handwriting. So I can expect her to show up right on time, instead of an hour and a half late like that bitch Amber used to." And so saying, he scampered down his tree and bounded off into the foggy night.

He had gotten but a few yards from his tree when a strange thing happened. The fog suddenly parted and the pale gibbous moon shone down upon the unsuspecting Frank. Immediately he began to feel funny. "That's odd," he thought to himself. "Suddenly I find myself thinking of viciously ripping the throats out of small furry mammals and dancing in their bloody entrails and yet like all squirrels I'm a vegetarian which makes it...urk!" He stopped in mid-sentence because suddenly he found himself reeling drunkenly around in a circle, then he fell to the ground and began writhing in unimaginable pain. His last conscious thought was "At least there was no fainting in coils...." as his body began a Kafkaesque transformation into a hamster. But this was not to be just any hamster -- Frank was metamorphosing into the much-dreaded werehamster, a hideous monster with inch-long fangs, glowing red eyes, and a penchant for dramatic and gratuitous gore.

At last the transfiguration was complete. All in all it took about two minutes, but it was so theatrical that it seemed like twenty minutes or thereabouts. But when all was said and done there stood the frightening monster that had been Frank but moments before, slavering and snarling and generally acting like the ravenous fiend it had become. Suddenly the gleaming full moon reappeared through the fog (it had become hidden by the clouds when the metamorphosis had begun) and the fiercely brown werehamster reared up on its hind legs, twisted its furry face into a snarling rictus of primal savagery, and bayed its strangely eerie and haunting cry:

"Ek ek ek ek ek!"

The malevolently evil monster then scampered off into the fog seeking a victim that he could rend and tear into small bloody bits with his inch-long fangs coated with slaver.

***


Destiny, Doris's slutty-looking friend and neighbor squirrel, was early for her rendezvous with Doris by the late-blooming hamsterbane so she amused herself by thinking about dirt. Then suddenly she heard a rustle in the nearby bushes. "Hello?" she called querulously. "Is anyone there? Doris, is that you, girlfriend? Whoever it is, I'm innocently walking over into the bushes to investigate so you better behave yourself!" And she disappeared into the late-blooming hamsterbane which it would seem is misnamed because there was a growl and a snarl and a screech which was cut off in mid-agony and many tearing and rending noises and much shaking of bushes, then out flew the bloody and torn hind leg of a squirrel which hit a nearby crushed and bent Sprite can with a splat. Then from the suddenly quiet clump of bushes came a strangely eerie and haunting cry:

"Ek ek ek ek ek!"

***

Doris felt she looked damn good tonight in her new bra and was humming tunes from Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals to herself as she put the final coat of polish on her claws. She then stuck a tiny flower into the hole where her ear had been torn off some years ago by a vitriolic Shih Tzu. "Dang, Doris, you are one hot little number!" she cooed to herself. "You are gonna get yourself a mate tonight Some lucky squirrel is going to become Mr. Doris!" And she clambered down her tree and leapt into the yard and ran off to meet her friend Destiny singing "I Don't Know How To Love Him" incredibly off-key. But then suddenly Doris heard a strangely eerie and haunting cry:

"Ek ek ek ek ek!"


"Son of bitch, that sounds like that strangely eerie and haunting cry I heard earlier," Doris muttered to herself. "Good thing I brought this pointy silver sewing needle with me. No telling who or what might be out in that thick fog tonight. I hope that fucking Shih Tzu is safely inside his house, I don't fancy losing another ear, I look ratty enough as it is. Thank God at least I have good penmanship."

When Doris got to the late-blooming hamsterbane bush her slutty-looking friend Destiny was nowhere to be seen. Or so Doris thought. "So much for my rendezvous with Destiny," she grumbled bitterly. But as she glanced around the small clearing in the bushes she saw the crushed Sprite can glinting in the moonlight that suddenly reappeared through the clouds so she went over to investigate. It was then that she saw the blood spatters on the can and became wary. "Uh oh," Doris thought. "This can't be good unless there's a dead Shih Tzu in those bushes." As she investigated further, however. she found the severed hind leg of her late pal Destiny with droplets of slaver still wet upon it. "Fuck me!" she cried as she jumped into the air and came down with her pointy silver sewing needle in the en garde position.

Out from the bushes sprung the werehamster that was Frank! The monster crouched and snarled at Doris as she began frantically waving her sewing needle back and forth. "Eeugh! Gross!" shouted Doris. "Get back or you're getting a pointy silver sewing needle in that glowing red eye of yours!" The werehamster merely growled low in its throat and began circling the hapless yet plucky female squirrel. Doris warily turned to keep an eye on the transformed Frank as she cried, "Go away! Go away! Bad hamster! Go find a wheel or something!"

Then Doris bumped into the Sprite can as she was circling and was stricken with inspiration. She reached down and grabbed Destiny's severed and still-dripping leg. "Here boy, nice werehamster, have a squirrel leg that isn't mine!" Doris gingerly held out her friend's leg and the werehamster snuffled at it curiously. The monster then grabbed the leg in its inch-long fangs and lay down to gnaw upon it, still keeping a watchful eye on Doris as he slavered on the bony leg. More.

"There there, that's a nice hamster. Say, you're not half-bad when you're not about to rip my throat out. You could do with a little less slavering, but hey, what man couldn't?" Then Doris somehow magically discovered that the werehamster was Frank transformed, probably by a scrap of clothing that still clung to his monster shape or his unique smell or something. At any rate, suddenly she knew that this was Frank in front of her, changed into a horrific beast. "Ohmigod!" yelled Doris. "WTF? Are you really Frank? How did this happen?"

The werehamster blinked as he chewed upon Destiny's leg.

"You are, aren't you!" snarled Doris, beginning to become angry. "What do you think you're doing? You're not going to get out of our date that easy, mister! Now put down that leg and let's go to your place and I'll see what I can do about fixing you up. I swear, men, they're always turning into crazed beasts! Leave 'em alone and next thing you know they're all over your best friend! Well don't think this kind of behavior is going to go on much longer once you're with me!"

The Frank-monster made a small mewling noise in its throat and cowered back from the incensed Doris.

"Here now, what's all this?" shouted a police constable squirrel that just appeared on the scene. "Oi, werehamsters is it? Well we know how to do for werehamsters properly down at the station we do. Come along peacefully now and you and I will get along just fine." The colorful stock character approached the confused monster tapping his club meaningfully. "Don't move, hamster boy, or you're getting this billy in the...urk!"

The police constable looked down to find a pointy silver sewing needle stuck into his heart and he promptly died with naught but a few gurgling noises.

"There won't be none of running my Frank in," muttered Doris ungrammatically. "Now that I have him, nobody is going to be taking him away anywhere. It was hard enough to find a male squirrel that wanted me in the first place; I'm not going to lose him to some two-bit walk-on character who just strolls over and thinks he can whisk my new mate away and Bob's your uncle. Guess I showed him, anyway he should have known better than get involved in a domestic without backup." Doris fashioned a makeshift leash out of some string that happened to be laying around near the Sprite can and tied it around the werehamster's neck. "Come along then, we're off to your place before some other colorful stock character shows up like that Gypsy Squirrel from the first part for example. I swear, werehamsters are going to be the death of me yet." The fierce-looking monster pulled futilely at the leash a couple times then sighed lugubriously and began trudging along behind Doris as she marched off to Frank's nest. And ever so softly and faintly as Doris led her new spouse off into the distance, you could hear the werehamster begin to cry.

[Many thanks to Lollie for the picture - The Management]

-- Hulles


26 comments:

H said...

That picture is so fantastic. It's so fantastic that I was quite distracted from the rest of the story and had to read it twice. It was fantastic, of course, and I'm glad I no longer have to live in suspense!

visualsnark said...

things happen like that, they do! thanks for the fun read (limiting myself to one exclamation point though inclined to have at least two)

Hulles said...

Thanks lots, H. And I also think the picture is fantastic. I can't believe Lollie put that together. I have such nice friends....

Hulles said...

visualsnark, thanks for the comment as always. And things do happen like that, I agree. At least to me they do. BTW, you're one of the nice friends I mentioned to H. I'm going back to Other Keys now.

Heather Harper said...

"he found himself with some time on his paws"

Loved that line. Thanks for the good times, Hulles.

SuperBee said...

I liked that you borrowed things from me. That made me feel all gooey inside, like how Cadbury Creme Eggs used to be before they started to SUCK.

Excellent post.

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

My favourite line that generated the best visual: "Fuck me!" she cried as she jumped into the air and came down with her pointy silver sewing needle in the en garde position.

Also, the resigned taming at the the end of your story reminds me very much of the ending of Shawn of the Dead where the leftover zombies become choker-chained Walmart shopping cart collectors.

Thanks for the pic shout out. And really, who wouldn't want to do nice things for you?

Hulles said...

Heather, you're certainly welcome. I had to struggle a little bit to fit that line in....

superbee, not borrowed so much as stole. Everyone else, he's talking about a description of Diane Keaton in his most recent post, the punctual and thrifty thing. Check it out. And thanks, sbee.

Lollie, I also laughed at the visual in my head as I wrote that. I never saw Shaun OTD but it's on my list to watch. And thank you very much.

Hulles said...

I just found out I don't have a link to Superbee's Philosophy on the sidebar. Dang, I thought I did. Sorry sbee, I'll fix that now.

SuperBee said...

Wow! I got Hullesed! I've been meaning to add you too (and fix other links on my bar...) but... I'm lazy. And moving. And slovenly. And lackadaisical... Slothlike.

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Is that Hull-ace-ed or Hull-aced?

Hulles said...

superbee, my pleasure.

Lollie, were I to pronounce it it would be Hull-aced, but if a mutual friend were to say it it would of course be Hoolsed, one syllable.

And NEW LACY UNDERTHINGS! Yay! And they say "Lollie!" How cool is that! I want a pair, and never mind what for.

Lollie said...

Ask and ye shall receive...
http://www.rayandlara.com/graphics/blog/hullie.jpg

galaxy said...

What a great story! Doris kicked ass... I loved it!

Hulles said...

Lollie, thanks lots for the personalized dainties! I love 'em. So in return, I'm designing you a teddy....

Galaxy, thank you very much. I've always liked strong female protagonists....

SuperBee said...

I'd pronounced it "Hull-ist."

anne frasier said...

that was wonderful, hulles. i could see that as a children's book. really. they can handle it. you might have to tone it down a bit -- like the fuck me! but i think kids and adults would love it.

Hulles said...

Superbee, I'd bee pretty okay with "Hull-ist." It sounds sort of classy, which I can always use more of.

Anne, thank you dear. Interesting thought. Although then I'd have to get more creative and figure out a decent way for Doris to talk trash.... Great. Now I'm thinking about doing it. But thanks!

Lollie said...

Think of us all as your Hullist Society.

Hulles said...

I think of you all naked.

Except for Superbee.

SuperBee said...

::grumble:: Feel so left out, not being pictured naked, nnmrhghh... fine.... mnrgh... I don't WANT to be pictured naked... mnrrgh... packing boxes... mnrghh... cornbread... rrmbh Episcopalian... ::grumble::

SuperBee said...

::grumble:: ...80s Actor Tom Hulce... mnrrh... Amadeus on BetaMax... ::grumble::

Eva Gale said...

I just wanted you to know how much you amuse me. Really. I love being able to come over here, have a glass of wine and be completely charmed by whatever you have up. Sometimes a bit scared and creeped out-but for the most part amused.

cK said...

Hulles,

I've missed this blog.
-cK

Hulles said...

Superbee, if it will make you feel better I'll picture you in a Speedo. That's as far as I'll go, though. Good luck on your moving.

Eva, thanks so much. Scared and creeped out is okay, isn't it? I hope so; I like having you as a reader (and commenter).

cK, thanks lots.

Eva Gale said...

Scared and creeped out is good. It's all in the proportion.

"I'll take a shot of amusement with a dash of scared and creeped out." See? Works like a charm. *wink*