Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The other day I ran into my friend Gordy, who happens to be the only practicing animist with whom I am acquainted. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything but I think it's interesting. At any rate, during our conversation Gordy called me "the most evil, sarcastic bastard he's ever met".

Hunh.

Now lest you think Gordy doesn't get out much and just plain doesn't know very many people, let me disabuse you of this notion immediately. He does and he does, trust me. So this is an informed opinion. It's also a heavy burden to bear: being the most evil, sarcastic bastard Gordy's ever met carries with it a certain responsibility. I can already see that I'm not going to be able to rest on my evilosity laurels and still keep my title. Great. Just what I need, another responsibility. Don't you people know that's why I keep getting divorced? Grumble grumble.

I think I'm pretty okay with the sarcastic bastard part. In this blog I'm merely sardonic in a charmingly postmodern fashion, but in tĂȘte-a-tĂȘte conversation I regularly achieve multiple sarcasms. This is probably due to my warped world view in which everyone sucks but you and me, and frankly I'm not so sure about you. But whatever the reason, sarcasm seems to come naturally to me, so maintaining my "sarcastic bastard" crown will probably not require a lot of effort.

But most evil? That's going to take some doing. Hitler was evil. Stalin was evil. Richard Nixon was evil. Me? I'm not so evil. Well, there was that one time with the BB gun and the tiny little toads, and I did assist in burning down a commercial building in my hometown, but come on, it was just a small one and it was practically begging to be arsonized. If we hadn't torched it some lesser children would have. But these are mere peccadilloes. Why does Gordy think I'm evil? Come to think of it, he often calls me The Lesser Satan, which is pretty funny coming from an animist. Maybe I'm inadvertently evil -- that is, I'm evil and I don't realize it.

Actually being inadvertently evil would be sort of a relief -- I won't have to struggle to defend my title because I don't know how the hell I got it in the first place. It will all come naturally to me and the evilosity will just somehow ooze out of my pores and I can retain Mos' Evil status without any further work on my part. So there, I guess we're done and I don't have to agonize over the responsibility after all. Whew.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go torture some nuns and crush some baby ducks.

-- Hulles

20 comments:

Lori said...

Where the hell are you?
lap725@msn.com

La Espia T. said...

I think if you want to maintain the "'mos evil" title you do NOT crush baby ducks. You squeeze them in your hands until they pop.

As for nuns...I watched a most interesting Penn & Teller Bullshit entitled "Holier than Thou." That included information that the Mother Theresa was the forerunner of the cult of suffering. Which apparently follows the logic that because Jesus suffered, nuns and the rest of us should as well to better understand him. So...that having been said they may very well appreciate your torturing and it may not get you your sought after title.

I say *^%& the title and just be you. Whatever that entails. :)

Anonymous said...

Hulles, um pouco de maldade tem certo charme, a tortura, vamos sofisticando no dia a dia! Malvado amigo... rss.

Bjo
Casti

Hulles said...

Lori, I'm here, I'm here, you can email me at the address in my blog profile.

Espia, thanks for the baby duck advice. And you are absolutely correct, it just wouldn't be the same if they benefited from it. And I intend to just be me; I found the quote in my notes and was thinking about it so I wrote this little entry. I was really kind of proud of it.

Casti, valeu e beijos do seu malvado amigo. (I love that woman...)

Stephen Blackmoore said...

I don't believe in evil. Cruelty, yes. Psychopaths, certainly. But evil? Evil's a label we put on those things so cruel and that fit so outside our context of social norm that it obscures our reason. It's all relative and depends on your point of view. Terrorist / Freedom Figher. Nazi / Aryan Champion of The Fatherland. Savior of the Republican Party / Richard Nixon. Feel free to interchange those last two however way you like.

On some level there's an implication in the word that the actions are directed by some kind of more powerful being. That heinous acts can't possibly be conducted by people who love their children, but instead by demons in some celestial conflict. The people you have to watch out for are the ones who can torture prisoners with bolt cutters and acid and then go home and play catch with their kids.

It's all bullshit. People are assholes and that's all there is to it.

That said, I've been called evil by some people I've known. But they were a bunch of pussies. And besides, they're all dead now.

Kristen Painter said...

I think it's all a front to get the chicks. And by chicks, I do not mean baby chickens, lest they be confused with the baby ducks.

Hulles said...

Stephen, for me the word evil implies a moral judgement that others are often quick to make, which is why I like the word so much. As you say, "evil" actions are often dependent upon one's point of view. That said, Gordy won't be coming around much anymore either.

Kristen, you're absolutely right, you've penetrated to the core of my grand scheme to get chicks to dig me. Everyone knows that girls like bad boys, so being Mos' Evil ought to net me all the best ones. And say, what are you doing later?
Ever plucked a baby duck?

Heather Harper said...

"I think if you want to maintain the "'mos evil" title you do NOT crush baby ducks. You squeeze them in your hands until they pop."

OMG. And I thought my early animal torture attempts were something to brag about. ;)

Aren't we all the pretty bunch of future psychotics? Now THAT would be evil. Which btw Hulles, you are not.

Now where's my allowance?

Hulles said...

Heather, see, you can't just rest on your laurels, you have to keep your hand in.

And thanks for not thinking that I'm evil.
Your allowance is in the mail, along with the 18 years of back child support. Honest, I can't believe you haven't gotten it yet, should be there any day now.

Mosilager said...

espia beat me to it. i had that comment in my head until, of course, I read the comments. Not about the ducks but the nuns. Hey maybe you could have a Mos' evil persona for chasing windmills.

La Espia T. said...

Heather- I have never attempted said "popping" just playing the devil's advocate as it were. Now I have a morbid curiousity as to the nature of your "attempts." (quiet shudder)

Mosilager- I beat somebody to something? Awesome. Of course it won't sound all that awesome when I explain (very proudly of course) that I beat somebody to saying that nuns are part of a cult of suffering and that Mother Theresa was the forerunner....No..no...I'm quite sure that my mom will kick my ass. Hmm...Quick say something MORE apt and more WITTY so we can just call it even.

anne frasier said...

"the most evil, sarcastic bastard he's ever met"


i'd like to have an account of the five minutes that preceded this comment.

Anonymous said...

Because we both know Gordy, we KNOW that you are not the most evil, sarcastic bastard he's ever met.

Erin

Sassmaster said...

I agree with Stephen. People talk about evil likes it's independent, or merely moving through, the people who perpetrate it. As you say, just a way to explain the unfathomable.

Heather Harper said...

"Now I have a morbid curiousity as to the nature of your "attempts." (quiet shudder)

FYI: I write fiction. ;)

Hulles said...

Mosilager, you gotta be quick to beat La Espia T. to the punch. And alas, the Chasing Windmills character is no more. All I have left is real-life acting.

T., um, maybe you should quit while you're ahead...

Anne, honest, it was nothing special, just an account of my day or something like that. Maybe he read my blog or something, who can say?

Erin, amen. Notice that Gordy calls me the Lesser Satan; guess who's the Greater Satan?

Sassmaster, yeah, it's like there exists an Evil Personified that you can point at or buy beers for or something. I still tend to think it's just a judgement call however. Me good, you bad, that sort of thing.

Heather, I was curious about that comment myself although I successfully suppressed my shudder. Does YA fiction typically include animal torture scenes? Inquiring minds want to know....

Heather Harper said...

Oh dear, that was just my sick sense of humor. I'm actually very kind to animals.

I'd never want to piss off PETA.

Mosilager said...

d-oh quick... something witty and relevant... nope it isn't working. maybe on some other post espia. i think the contest is on.

incidentally h. i'm trying out the live cd of kubuntu feisty herd 5. it's pretty cool, didn't have to do anything to get wpa set up other than enter a password. now if it only came with compiz i would be set.

Hulles said...

Heather, we don't want to piss off PETA either. La Espia T. and I are also very kind to animals. As far as you know.

Mosilager, I think that thud was a gauntlet dropping. And thanks for the heads-up on Ubuntu, I'll check it out.

La Espia T. said...

I adore animals. Any animal lucky enough to find its way into my path ends up rather spoiled and the rather reluctant owner of pink daisy accesories. (the little one's idea, not mine. I'm partial to purple)