The other day I ran into my friend Gordy, who happens to be the only practicing animist with whom I am acquainted. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything but I think it's interesting. At any rate, during our conversation Gordy called me "the most evil, sarcastic bastard he's ever met".
Now lest you think Gordy doesn't get out much and just plain doesn't know very many people, let me disabuse you of this notion immediately. He does and he does, trust me. So this is an informed opinion. It's also a heavy burden to bear: being the most evil, sarcastic bastard Gordy's ever met carries with it a certain responsibility. I can already see that I'm not going to be able to rest on my evilosity laurels and still keep my title. Great. Just what I need, another responsibility. Don't you people know that's why I keep getting divorced? Grumble grumble.
I think I'm pretty okay with the sarcastic bastard part. In this blog I'm merely sardonic in a charmingly postmodern fashion, but in tête-a-tête conversation I regularly achieve multiple sarcasms. This is probably due to my warped world view in which everyone sucks but you and me, and frankly I'm not so sure about you. But whatever the reason, sarcasm seems to come naturally to me, so maintaining my "sarcastic bastard" crown will probably not require a lot of effort.
But most evil? That's going to take some doing. Hitler was evil. Stalin was evil. Richard Nixon was evil. Me? I'm not so evil. Well, there was that one time with the BB gun and the tiny little toads, and I did assist in burning down a commercial building in my hometown, but come on, it was just a small one and it was practically begging to be arsonized. If we hadn't torched it some lesser children would have. But these are mere peccadilloes. Why does Gordy think I'm evil? Come to think of it, he often calls me The Lesser Satan, which is pretty funny coming from an animist. Maybe I'm inadvertently evil -- that is, I'm evil and I don't realize it.
Actually being inadvertently evil would be sort of a relief -- I won't have to struggle to defend my title because I don't know how the hell I got it in the first place. It will all come naturally to me and the evilosity will just somehow ooze out of my pores and I can retain Mos' Evil status without any further work on my part. So there, I guess we're done and I don't have to agonize over the responsibility after all. Whew.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go torture some nuns and crush some baby ducks.