Wednesday, April 04, 2007

[See "Cry Of The Werehamster: The First Part" for the first part of this story. -- The Management]

For Galaxy Moonbeam



At long last the Autumn sun began to drop behind the trees and Frank the gray squirrel and his squirrel buddies knocked off work and headed back to their respective nests, ribbing each other good-naturedly as they departed the nut yard:

"Hey Frank, good luck on your date with Doris tonight! Remember what they say -- she has ten nipples and you only have two forepaws, eight of those nipples are going to be wasted!" gleefully cackled Al.

"Oi, Frank, think about baseball at the moment of truth and maybe you'll last more than 15 seconds this time!" yelled Seamus.

"Hey you guys, cut it out, Doris is a nice squirrel, that's why I have to get her drunk first, remember?" retorted Frank as he scampered towards home. He thought he heard someone shout "Rectum? I thought I killed 'em!" in the distance and chortled to himself as he reflected that the classics never get stale.

When Frank reached his arboreal home he began grooming himself for his big date with Doris. He was somewhat apprehensive about asking her to marry him since it was their first date and they had never really had a conversation before but Frank felt convinced that it was time to take their relationship to the next level. He knew that Doris wasn't exactly a prime catch with her slightly-crossed eyes and missing ear and all, but he found the gap between her buck teeth erotic and besides no other female squirrel in the neighborhood would date him since the Amber incident. Thus, Frank found himself contentedly humming "Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love)" as he readied himself for his big evening. He was certain that nothing could possibly happen to screw things up this time.

But as he was thinking this, for some reason Frank seemed to hear the querulous voice of the colorful and charmingly eccentric old squirrel who had hawked a gobbet of phlegm upon him earlier in the day:

Not all round and hard things are walnuts
Not every small brown thing's a seed
Take care on the night of the full moon
Lest the werehamster's bite makes you bleed
A lot from a ripped throat

Frank still had no idea what any of that meant, but it gave him a sudden chill to recall the old squirrel's ominous and ill-rhymed words. He also noticed that as night was falling a thick fog was congealing and that the people in the house nearby were playing gypsy violin music and that the scent of late-blooming hamsterbane was redolent in the air. However, being a singularly dim and unimaginative squirrel he simply shrugged it all off and resumed grooming himself and humming Cole Porter show tunes.

***

Doris had come to realize long ago that she was neither the most attractive nor the most intelligent of squirrels, but she knew what she wanted and she wanted a man, or more precisely a male squirrel. Frank might not have been her first choice -- actually, he was her last choice after the Amber incident -- but he was male and he was nearby so she was ready to snatch him up at the drop of a nut. Besides, she had always been a sucker for a fluffy tail on a squirrel and Frank's tail was at least fluffy if not overly large.

Doris spent a goodly amount of time cleaning her remaining ear and polishing her claws. She also tried to do something to camouflage the unsightly black dots on her fur that had given her the nickname "Ink Sqrrrrrl" but to no avail. Finally, after much pointless primping and grooming, she was slutted up and ready to cocktease any male that came with range of her overactive scent glands. She was just about to leave the squirrel equivalent of a double-wide trailer that she called a nest and walk down the block to Frank's tree when she noticed the thick soupy fog that begun to creep in on big lion feet.

"Uh oh," she said to herself with a shudder. "No telling what kind of perverts are going to be out on a night like this. I better take along my rape whistle and this pointy silver sewing needle I found recently. Although come to think of it, maybe I'll leave the rape whistle at home since it doesn't seem to work. I've blown it a thousand times and still no one shows up to rape me."

"Hey, Destiny!" screeched Doris at her equally trampy friend in the next tree over. "It's a creepy night tonight! Why don't you meet me in the yard and walk with me over to Frank's place! A cute female squirrel's not safe walking alone on a night like this and neither am I!"

"Shee-it, girl! I'm just crimping my tail!" yelled Destiny. "I was going to stay at home tonight and try to make a pushup bra out of ten acorn shells and some string but I suppose I can walk with you at least part of the way. Give me a couple minutes and I'll meet you by the late-blooming hamsterbane."

"Great honey, I'll wait for you there!" shrieked Doris.

And so the plain but plucky Doris set off into the foggy night dreaming of marriage and chocolate.

But as she was leaving the safety and shelter of her slatternly home the fog parted and the lambent full moon savagely shone in the night sky and she heard a strangely eerie and haunting cry somewhere off in the distance:

"Ek ek ek ek ek!"

She shivered and clutched the shawl that had not been there a second ago more closely about her shoulders and grimly set off for her rendezvous with Destiny.

[Look for "Cry Of The Werehamster: The Last Part" coming soon to a blog near you. -- The Management]

-- Hulles

32 comments:

Kelly Parra said...

Great reading your work, Hulles!! :)

Hulles said...

Thanks, Kelly. And congratulations yourself on your publishing efforts.

Heather Harper said...

"She shivered and clutched the shawl that had not been there a second ago"

Ha! I love that. :)

MERLIN said...

I expect all will be revealed in the final episode.

Can't help thinking you missed a "foreplay" joke with the "forepaws" but I can't quite figure out what it would have been.

Off on holiday for a while : catch up with you later.

M.

H said...

I can't handle the suspense!

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Newsflash: Doris is a fag-hag because if Frank is busy "grooming himself and humming Cole Porter show tunes" ummmm, Frank is gay. None of her ten boobs is getting touched tonight. But maybe they could go on a shopping spree and bitch about the other shoddily dressed squirrels.

(PS - Mario, I miss you honey!)

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

check this our Hulles http://www.virtualcourtney.com/paperdoll.php

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Guh - I meant out.

Hulles said...

Heather, thanks. It's difficult to write a B-movie monster film so I have to use the cheap effects and shoddy editing sometimes.

Merlin, yes, all will be revealed in the final part. Or will it? Have fun on your vacation. Don't go to Alicante.

H, do you mean about the story or about Merlin's holiday? If it's about the latter, don't worry, it will be anticlimatic in every sense of the word I'm sure.

Lollie, Doris is too declasse to be a fag-hag and Frank is merely a metrosexual squirrel of the 2000's. Jeez, get with the times, will you?

That link is too funny! I actually made images of the characters in the story but I didn't save them because I'm a perfectionist in that area (Heather, you're not the only one...). Thanks so much for the link! I owe you.

MERLIN said...

Hulles,

i) I won't be going to Alicante.

ii) Wrong !

Masha Allah,

M.

Hulles said...

Merlin, i) good; ii) good luck!

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Metrosexual is hair product and Prada slides. Man purses and Japanese cooking classes. Lilac laundry detergent and even Jackie O sunglasses.

Showtunes = gay. Always have, always will!

Hulles said...

Lollie dear, did you never see Tank Girl with Lori Petty? Well, Frank did, and that's why he's humming Cole Porter to himself. Every squirrel has a floor show inside him waiting to come out. Okay, maybe he is gay. We'll see in the Final Part.

Hulles said...

And you know what is REALLY funny? All these comments are influencing the story line of the Final Part! (I haven't written it yet.) Call it interactive fiction.

Galaxy said...

I'm a little disappointed to see that Frank didn't better plan for his date with Doris by presenting her with a little squirrel can opener and a little squirrel bag of dirt...

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Isn't Lori Petty gay?

anne frasier said...

haha! this is wonderful!

SuperBee said...

Lollie? Prada Slides? Oooooo-verrrrrrr.

And they're called Tods Attache cases or Jack Spade bags...

The whole Metrosexual thing has to end. It's making it very difficult for us Purebread Homos to sniff out our kind...

As for Jackie O Sunglasses... that's about as gay as Cole Porter...Which, Hulles = SUPERGAY.

(Work "Let's Misbehave!" into the final episode. It works... especially "There's something wild about you child that's so contagious... let's get outrageous... let's misbehave...") And then, you know, someone could turn into a gay werehamster.

But beyond that, great work as usual. Loved it.

anne frasier said...

"The whole Metrosexual thing has to end. It's making it very difficult for us Purebread Homos to sniff out our kind..."


love it!

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Superbee: Great, now I'm in love with you. (Does that sound familiar?) Can I be your online fag hag?

SuperBee said...

Anne - Thank youuu for loving it despite my just-discovered spelling error :) "Purebred."

Lollie - Yes, it does sound familiar... I believe I gave that same compliment to a talented wordsmith somewhere... some time ago...

It goes without saying that you're welcome to join my Harem of Ho's.

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Hulles: re last night "Je parle juste de Shaft"

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Yay - I'm in the Ho Harem!

I'm immediately making a T-shirt...

Hulles said...

Galaxy, dedicatee, poor planning is a hallmark of men everywhere. But we have other endearing traits.

Lollie, so?

Anne, exactly. I love this shit. I live for it, which is really sort of sad...

Superbee, I'm still trying to figure out how to write a floorshow, but if I can, it will be there. And thanks lots, also as usual.

Anne, me too. Again.

Lollie, nice. Now I'm jealous of a gay attorney in Miami. I can only be pushed so far...

Superbee, there's something so wholesome about Purebread Homos that I think you should just leave it be.

Lollie, I'm still trying to parse "Shut your mouth" in French, and I'm having as much luck as I did last night, which is to say none at all. "The boars are back in town...."

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Ferme la bouche...but I am boared wiz zeese.

Anonymous said...

Well lacosta beat me too it, but Ferme ta bouche and Ferme ta Gueule is a bit more firm.

Anonymous said...

Seems like there's some new material here for The Captain and Tenille to stage a come-back.

Hulles said...

Nice that someone else remembers "Muskrat Love." Although as I was typing that I first typed "resembles 'Muskrat Love,' which would not be a good thing at all.

Eva Gale said...

Eek.I remember Muskrat Love.

The whole Metrosexual thing has to end. It's making it very difficult for us Purebread Homos to sniff out our kind...

As for Jackie O Sunglasses... that's about as gay as Cole Porter...Which, Hulles = SUPERGAY.


Wet monitor!

Hulles-why do you know that squirrels have ten nipples?

Hulles said...

I dated one once, but we broke up because I couldn't commit.

SuperBee said...

To a particular nipple? Or in general?

Hulles said...

"But don't be sad,
'Cause 8 out of ten ain't bad..."

Meatloaf would have sung that if he was a squirrel I just know it.