Monday, April 30, 2007

I just thought I'd let everyone know what's been going on with me lately. Last week was a busy one with me trying to get my laptop Lucille II up and running again. But some other things happened besides that:

On Tuesday as I was driving in to the redundantly-named Nina's Coffee Cafe, my car was forced off the road by a Hummer and I was taken prisoner by a gang of rogue twenty-something blondes with cute asses and great tits. They took me to their sex farm in northern Minnesota near Eveleth and forced me to make love to them repeatedly and do other unspeakable acts like leave the toilet seat down. Fortunately, in gratitude for my teaching them how to achieve multiple orgasms even after drinking all night using only common household utensils, they returned me to my car the next morning and even gave me twenty bucks and a new pair of bikini briefs.

So on Wednesday, after returning home to feed Mimi my cat I suddenly received a vision from Mother Teresa instructing me to go to Calcutta and feed poor people and instruct them in proper sanitation methods. However, as I had some other things to do on Wednesday -- I had promised Bill Gates I would shoot pool with him at Costello's Bar in Saint Paul during happy hour -- I chose to interpret this vision as referring to Calcutta, Ohio. As a result I flew to Ohio and spent some time slinging dal and teaching the natives to thoroughly wipe down toilet seats in gas station restrooms. This turned out to be a most satisfactory experience and I felt pretty good about doing my bit to raise the standard of living in a third-world state like Ohio. I even made a mental note to make one of my Catholic friends light a candle to Mother Teresa if she's actually canonized and if she isn't what the hell is she doing coming to me in a vision. And by the way, I kicked Gates's ass at eight ball. He now owes me fifty bucks, the loser.

Later that evening I got an emergency call on my cell phone and had to chopper down to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester to perform some delicate neurosurgery. I don't really do this much anymore since I started blogging but it was for a poor two-year-old Ohio girl that had been adopted by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt; since Ange is a close personal friend of mine I made an exception for her. It was quite gratifying to see the smile in the child's eyes when she came out of surgery and listen to her gurgling away in Ohioan. It was also nice to check out Angelina's tits and inspect her for new tattoos. So that was my Wednesday.

On Thursday it turned out to be another busy day. I had to fly down to Cape Canaveral in Florida and redesign some space shuttle O-rings for NASA. Good thing they called me in; some idiot had made them square and out of cardboard. I figure I saved not only the lives of many future astronauts but also singlehandedly rescued the entire U. S. space program by preventing yet another shuttle disaster. I got back to Saint Paul too late to blog, though, as I had to meet with investors in my Flirting Studio enterprise. We're looking at a major franchise deal but I can't really talk about it now.

Friday I flew down to São Paolo Brazil, never mind what for. I got back late Saturday, but still in time to go out to W. A. Frost in Saint Paul for cocktails. I had a little incident occur there that was somewhat disturbing, however. I overheard a bunch of hardbodied twenty-something males refer to my pal Tate as a fat cougar so I had to kick their asses, the insolent toads. I didn't do any serious damage to the boys but I did teach them a lesson about fucking with bloggers, goddamn it. Sometimes one has to make a stand. And if you're curious, I did bruise an ankle doing my patented flying drop kick. Apparently I'm not as spry as I used to be.

Yesterday I took it pretty easy. I decided to stay home and invent shit so I fixed myself a pitcher of Mexican Windbreakers and sat on the lanai and came up with about twenty new products, any one of which will make me filthy rich. The invention I'm proudest of resembles the little BreatheRight nasal strips but they're clear instead of "flesh-colored." I intend to sell them in pairs to college students. They attach to one's eyelids and hold them open so that one can sleep right through one's Macro Economics class after one has done about thirty shots of cheap tequila the previous night and still look like one is paying attention to every word of the dork professor's monotone delivery that pretty much repeats word for word the overpriced text that he made one buy for the course. I figure this invention alone will revolutionize both college drinking and economics in our great nation and buy me that condo in Andorra that I've had my eye on.

Oh yeah, last night I switched from Mexican Windbreakers to Captain Morgan and goat urine just so I'd be in shape for blogging today. Nothing much really happened after that unless you count the fact that Angelina Jolie snuck over to my place for a romp in the hay out of gratitude for my helping her little Ohio girl. Don't tell anyone, though; I have enough trouble with paparazzi as it is. I understand Ange does too, but I'm sure my troubles are much worse. I kicked Jolie out early this morning (after forcing her to make me pancakes naked) so I could get a nice early start on my blog.

So get off my back. I've been busy, for chrissake.

-- Hulles

18 comments:

La Espia T. said...

What? No jaunts over to Salvador da Bahia to prepare it for my arrival? I'm offended.

H said...

Welcome back! You've been missed. I'm also waiting to be added as a p.r. person in the Hulles mythos!

SuperBee said...

You broke wind, I broke windows.

Huzzah.

I'm half the handy-homo (with odd tools) I've always wanted to be. Now I just need a beefy effeminate muscle bear like Roger Hazard (sorry, I like your bolding...) by my side, and I'll be set!

(He doesn't have to be effeminate, though. In fact...it'd be better if he 'tweren't.)

Heather Harper said...

Good thing a cop hasn't questioned you about where you've been. You'd go to jail for sure.

Missed you.

pj said...

Now you write?? Dammit, I told you I had work to do. I'm drawing a termite for my project, BTW.
~Polly

Lollie said...

Jeez - and I thought my week was exhausting. Do you have anything left? Do you? Mimi must be feeding you Powerbars and Vitamin Water. Forge ahead dear Hulles, forge.

Nice to have you back BTW. Now I will get on to my Drag Queen escapades.

Mosilager said...

H... to copy a line from one of my favourite comedies, "when the van comes for you, please go quietly."

Hilarious stuff.

p.s. i've only booted into windows once this week... for 5 minutes... accidentally.

Claire said...

Hee. I wonder how many blogs have tags that include Angelina and goat urine for the same post?

Cxx

Hulles said...

La Espia T, eu não estou certo mim posso fazer qualquer coisa prepará-los para uma mulher vivaz como você. XO.

H, thanks, I missed you too. The rule is that you don't get added to the Mythos unless I mention you in the body of a post, for reasons I won't go into. But I'll have to go back and check if that's true for you -- yet.

Superbee, sorry about the window, and good luck with a Roger Hazard-like unit. I'm sure the supply is smaller than the demand!

Heather, thanks. And if a cop ever questioned me I'm sure they would never believe my story no matter what I said. That's why I pay them off.

pj, yeah, now I write. I need to keep it up too. Good luck with the termite and I'm anxious to visit your blog (at last).

Lollie, I'm forging away. The new twenties look almost real in fact. And it's good to be back. I just need to keep writing. Nice underthings again.

Mosilager, good work on no Windows. Feisty Fawn is great now that I finally have it running. I like it lots.

Claire, you're right, usually people talk about those things in separate posts. I've always been a rebel.

Mosilager said...

apparently dell's going to offer ubuntu on notebooks and desktops within the next few weeks. things might get interesting around here.

Kelly Parra said...

Wow, Hulles, you have beeen busy! haha! :)

Casti said...

Famoso Hulles, que agenda lotada! Rss... Caso consiga chegar até SP, lhe advirto que o tempo está agradável!!!

Bjo do Brasil
Casti

Obs.
Como sempre, estou brincando, desejando realmente que seus problemas técnicos aos poucos sejam resolvidos e que seus afazeres mesmo não sendo os planejandos em seu post, tragam coisas boas e positivas.

Fuiiiiii

Casti

Hulles said...

M., that's great news! I hope Ubuntu becomes more prevalent (and better supported).

Kelly, dang right. Not as busy as you, but still busy.

Casti, se você for no SP o tempo será agradável, daquele que eu estou certo. (E eu estou brincando também em meu post!) Bjs, Hulles.

Lollie said...

Hulles: Run, don't walk, to Pink India Ink

Hulles said...

I know. Remember where you discovered her. I think.

Lollie said...

Oh, I totally bow to you for introducing me to her, but I just wanted to alert you to Part III, faster than ASAP.

Lollie said...

Hmm, I have no commentability in the post above, so I'll comment here.

Hey, I can't post a comment up there.

Hulles said...

Oops, I fixed it. Not sure how that happened.