Sunday, March 04, 2007

Recently a dear friend (MIL etc.) of mine posted a blog entry about getting a mammogram. In it she said that her breasts were "dense (densely tissued, not unintelligent)." I liked that a lot because from this it is possible to infer that her breasts are intelligent.

I have not had the pleasure of meeting these breasts personally, but I really enjoy the thought of this friend and her smart boobs:

[Sunday in a coffee shop somewhere in Florida. Slim attractive woman sits at table doing NY Times crossword. Woman has intelligent breasts.]

Woman: [scratches her head with her pencil] Dang! I'm really having trouble with 32 Across!

Woman: [looks around furtively, then starts whispering down the front of her shirt] Psst! Girls! Wake up, we're doing the Times crossword here, no time for napping! What's a six-letter word for 'potion,' fourth letter 'x'?

Left Breast: Jesus, I can't believe you even have to ask that! What the hell is between your ears, adipose tissue?

Right Breast: No shit. If you don't mind, your left tit and I were just trying to mentally retrace Bloom's journey in Dublin from mammary. Mammary, get it? Play on words, Einstein. Bloom is a character in Ulysses by James Joyce, just to anticipate your next stupid question.

Woman: [glances around again, then talks down front of her shirt less quietly than before] Grk! Ftt! Why you little ingrates, I've taught you everything you know! Fork over with the answer or I'll start wearing padded bras again so I don't have to put up with your shit anymore.

Right Breast: Tch, tch, watch your temper, dear. Want the answer or not?

Left Breast: Yeah, without us you'll still be working on this crossword when next Sunday's puzzle comes out.

Right Breast: Yeah! Loser!

Woman: Nnrk! I'm gonna... [suddenly pauses, then smiles slyly] Say ladies, you know, I was just thinking that the last mammogram I had was somewhat inconclusive and I should have another one just to be sure. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, after all....

Left Breast and Right Breast: [in unison] Elixir! Elixir!

Woman: Damn straight, 'elixir.' Now what's 63 Down, 8 letter word for a 'tar-like substance?'

So my friend is a pretty lucky woman, I think. Not only does she possess boobs, she's got brainy ones in the bargain. I wonder if she'll let me use 'em the next time I do the Sunday crossword:

[Woman's cell phone rings; she answers it to hear:] Hi, it's me, Hulles. Put your tits on will you? I'm stumped on a couple puzzle answers. Yeah yeah, I only like you for your boobs, happy now? Put 'em on already, these minutes ain't free.

You know, this scenario really isn't so far-fetched the more I think about it. As a case in point I almost always end up listening to my dick when it talks. I wouldn't go so far as to call it intelligent, exactly, but it certainly is good at impassioned pleading.

-- Hulles

36 comments:

Merlin said...

Greetings Hulles,

Followed you here from Eva Gale's blog : she tells me you're almost as "adorable" as I am.

Nice to see another man who appreciates the finer points of Richard Thompson and The Alexandria Quartet.

Like your "boobs" post - will catch you later.

M.

Hulles said...

Thanks Merlin (and Eva). Yup, adorable about sums me up, at least as far as my mom is concerned. Everyone else is ready to file a crass-action suit against me. I will prevail, however. Anyone know a good gay lawyer in Florida?

Eva, Durrell and Richard Thompson are all wonderful. I'm actually listening to "Vincent Black Shadow" this afternoon as I blather.

Merlin said...

And I always thought that " Vincent Black Shadow" was a motorbike.

Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas perhaps? Know I've heard it somewhere.

M.

Hulles said...

Dang it! I always do that. The Black Lightning and the Black Shadow were two Vincent models, near as I can tell, and of course RT's song is "Vincent Black Lightning" and I sing it to myself correctly, but when it comes time to write it down I always call it "Black Shadow" from, and you got it exactly right, F&LILV. I walked away from writing the above comment saying to myself, "Dang, I hope I got Black Lightning right."

Guess I didn't. I'm still impressed you got the "Black Shadow" allusion though. "Teeth Like Baseballs And Eyes Like Jellied Fire." Probably the best chapter title ever concocted in English. Someday I'm going to be blogging in TRN Nina's Coffee Cafe and a dwarf is going to come up to me and hand me a pink telephone....

Hulles said...

"I've seen you on the corners and the cafes, it seems / Red hair and black leather, my favorite colour scheme." - Richard Thompson, "Vincent Black Lightning"

Jen said...

Wow. Awfully profound comments for a post on boobs. Took away all of my ability to concoct a witty and inappropriate comment of my own. Sigh...

Eva Gale said...

Keep it together Hulles, you're ALMOST as adorable as Merlin is. Time will tell.

impassioned pleading, *snerk*

Very good.

Kristen Painter said...

Don't you mean listening with? Since that's the appendage most men do their thinking with, stands to reason the ears can't be too far away.

Hulles said...

Jen, no worries. I think you did just fine on witty with that one. And the profundity is done and over, bring on inappropriate.

Eva, with me time already has told, and I don't exactly like what it said. Thanks lots for the vg, means a lot from you. And by the way, that was my first *snerk*. I hope it's not my last.

Kristen, I started about 12 different responses to your comment, all wildy inappropriate (except now that I think of it, it's my blog, how can anything I say be inappropriate?). Anyway: I stand by what I said, I listen to my dick, not with it, because as you said it's what I do my thinking with more often than not. I reserve my ears for thighs and whispers.

Hah. He shoots, he scores....

Merlin said...

As it happens I decided to check this reference later (just to make sure I was right!) and there is a "cabaret band" called Vincent Black Shadow.

Guess they took their name from the motorbike or Fear and Loathing.

Their website looks interesting though : that's a fine looking woman they've got singing for them.

I could definitely do something of a "black, shadowy" nature with her.

M.

M.

Lollie said...

Chuckling uncontrollably...and I have a cold so it is reminiscent of a female Barry White giggling like an idiot. No, actually that's a bit too low. Let's say Jada Pinkett Smith after a hard night of partying.

Very nice Hulles, you've only known me for a short while and never heard my voice yet you intuitively know that I make weird snorting and nnrking sounds.

Very astute.

Oh, and you're welcome! I just had to get rid of that pic. It was haunting me.

cK said...

I've seen this happen at dinner with her. Her breasts just join the conversation--and they are very opinionated. (The left one, Lol's husband reports, even talks in its sleep.)

It's odd, really, because when they speak it causes a slight rise in that side, sort of like the mustachios of a cartoon cowboy mouse being brushed forth by air as the mouse sings, "Froggy went a-courtin' he did ride Crambone..."

http://unclepecos.ytmnd.com/
-cK

Hulles said...

Merlin, you weren't lying about the lead singer (Cassie). I really like the track "Fears in the Water" by the band. And now thanks to you I have a MySpace account.

I won't forgive you for a long long time.

Lollie, sorry about the cold, I'm glad you didn't mind me writing a post about your breasts for all to read. Any other body parts that are interesting?

cK, it still cracks me up that you once left a comment on a post of mine where you said I was a "weird weird dude." Certainly it seems that you knew whereof you spoke.

cK said...

I even reiterated that sentiment to Lol just today! You are a weird, weird dude, Hulles.

I heard through a regal source--a Baroness, perhaps--that you and Soloman Frost were in good spirits with your good spirits on Sunday afternoon. Nice to know.

I'm finding a fez this week for Tommy. It must happen.
-cK

Hulles said...

Lollie, don't listen to him, I'm well within one standard deviation of the norm.

cK, yeah, Sol was actually sort of fizzy if you can believe it. Hi to La Baronesse. She was squirming on her chair and being SYL-ish all over the place yesterday. No accounting for taste.

And you might as well fez facts - Tommy isn't real. Like fishheads, he won't wear sweaters and he can't play drums.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that chick is driving me crazy with her SYL-ish attitude lately!? But, really, how can she help herself?

Also, I heard that "Weekday Erin" is in full effect today - her hiatus is complete, and she is back to the grindstone.

The Mexican

cK said...

Weekday Erin wears her hair in a scalp-poppingly tight bun, buttons her lace-collared "blouses" all the way to the top, and carries a punishment ruler.

Her lips are often lemon-pursed and her laughter is comprised of a little "hmm-hmm" followed by an anal-shrinking "Yes. How amusing."

She is NOT to be trifled with.
-cK

Jen said...

Don't worry. That SYL stuff wears off after the first or second month. Then it's all downhill. And you will need a buffer no more.

Hulles said...

Amen.

Anonymous said...

Come on, Jen, don't burst my bubble! Besides, maybe the SYL-ish attitude will continue past the first couple of months. Hmmm...everlasting bliss...very nice!

And, cK, watch out for the punishment ruler! Weekday Erin is coming over on Tuesday. I hope you'll wear your kilt!

Weekday Erin

Hulles said...

Punishment ruler? Kilt? Naughty Scots?

Say, Kristen, doing anything later?

Guest said...

I have a bit of a warty toe at the moment Hulles, but I don't think that is going to spark any saucy posts from you. And if it does...then I agree with cK, you are one weird dude.

Lollie said...

Hmmm - the above was from me...I seem to have lost my ability to show you my bloomers.

Hulles said...

Lollie, I hope you can show me your bloomers soon, you know how I love them. And as far as saucy posts, I think I've already done worse than warty toes in these hallowed Hulles halls. So no area of your anatomy is safe from me.

Yikes. Maybe cK is right after all. *snerk* I'm not sure that's relevant, I just wanted to make that noise (thanks Eva).

cK said...

The kilt will be in effect, eh.

And as for SYLly behavior, let it go on and on, friends. Life is meant for booty shakin' and tellin' tales. The day we tire of the fun is a dangerous one.

Just go listen to Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out." You'll feel loads better.
-cK

Hulles said...

cK, I agree with you entirely, and more SYL behavior is definitely to be encouraged. (Squirrelly Young Lovers, if you missed that on a previous post somewhere). I just hope you don't mind if I tease you about it. I'm going to anyway, it would just be better if you didn't mind. Keep the fun fires burning. (Hey, this new metaphor mixer is working pretty well! Thanks guys.)

Kristen Painter said...

You really think I'm going to answer that question without being addressed as Mistress?

Naughty, naughty boy. So flippant. So in need of tutoring.

Eva Gale said...

*Reading Kristen's remark*

This is going to be fun...

Hulles said...

Why hello Mistress Kristen. Um, I, um, I have been naughty, mistress. And I'm feeling contrite, although I'm sure you will help me feel even more contrite soon. Perhaps, Mistress Kristen, you and Mistress Eva would care to step into the Pain Booth and show me the errors of my ways and allow me to expiate at your jackbooted feet...

Ow, goddammit! I meant, sorry Mistress Kristen, I won't let it happen again, I promise, I'll grovel better from now on, I've been married twice, God knows I learned to grovel... Ow!

jax said...

My kind of man. **hands Kristen a whip**

Kristen Painter said...

*snaps the whip*

Well, Hullesie, with Mistress Jax and Mistress Eva here, you're going to be one very sore boy.

Heart Of Darkness said...

God, really needed that laugh!


:D

Merlin said...

Anyone know how much a return flight from the UK to St Pauls, Minnesota costs?

I want to be around for this one !

M.

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Left Breast: Wow, from boobs to Naughty Scots and all the way round to whips and mistresses...
Right Breast: Who knew we could spark such rousing conversation?
Left Breast: Last Saturday we were getting mashed and now we're celebrities. Stranger things have happened.
Right Breast: Evidenced in what we are learning daily from Hulles.
Left Breast: He's a weird dude.
Right Breast: Agreed.
Left Breast: But we love him.
Right Breast: Yes we do.

Merlin said...

Weird dudes are always the most fun.

M.

Hulles said...

Jax, nice of you to come by! If it had been but but moments sooner you would have ended up in the next post. Perhaps next time. Come back when you can.

Kristen, no comment here, although I find the soreness goes away after a while and is replaced by a contented glow.

Heart, good to see you. See, Kristen et. al. have the right attitude: no need to take shit from anybody, least of all a creepy old white guy.

Merlin, if you can't make it in person, see next post. I trust I did it justice.

Lollie's girls, thanks lots, I love you too and look forward to meeting you in person. And I have so much more to teach you....

Merlin, indeed we are, indeed we are.