Thursday, February 22, 2007

Today dawned like any other day for me: wake up in the gutter on Selby Avenue, spit out the Fleet Enema that was inexplicably in my mouth, drive home in the Hulles Ride, shit in the cat litter, shave my tongue, take a shower, scoot next door and sex down the neighbor's border collie -- hey, bitch was in heat, what's a concerned PETA member supposed to do? Trust me, if you're any kind of dog lover at all it would have warmed your heart to see the gratitude shining in her eyes as we shared a cigarette afterwards....

In other words, dogs were in heaven and all was right with the world.

I was out of Kahlua, so for breakfast I had a concoction I invented myself in the Hulles Labs called a Mexican Windbreaker: 1 can of Old El Paso refried beans, 1 750ml bottle of Cuervo Gold, the juice of 6 limes, 4 Habañero peppers with seeds, blend well, serve over ice in a dog dish, garnish with a cockroach on a toothpick. I like to drink these occasionally to prevent scurvy and bilharzia. I find that after one or two Mexican Windbreakers I can actually hover an inch above my chair for minutes at a time.

But once I reached the redundantly-named Nina's Coffee Cafe and scent-marked the corner tables I found myself at a loss. What the hell do I blog about today? I have tens of readers that rely on me to keep them abreast of current affairs....

Speaking of which, I met one of those readers last night for the first time -- Jen, of JeNC17 notoriety. Normally I wouldn't write about this, soul of discretion that I am, but she drew first blood -- she mentioned in a public comment or two on a previous Hulles blog entry that she looked forward to meeting me in the flesh, something that I found quite understandable. I think she wanted to meet legendary sex dog me because my web log periodically emits tiny amounts of a stimulating and addictive pheromone due to special software I developed for this very purpose. Sure, I know it's not sporting but I've pretty much reached the end of my pick-up-chicks bag of tricks, see Doesn't Ploy Well With Others. [I actually sat here for a minute trying to see if I could work a clever phrase about "licks" into the previous sentence but then decided that your laptops might blow up if I did. See, I look out for both you and your hardware. -- The Management]

So it's obvious why she wanted to meet me. The reasons I looked forward to meeting her are twofold: 1) she is a living breathing possibly-real woman with a custom interior and leather seating, MSRP $52,800 equipped as shown; and 2) in her blog bio she claims to have perfect eyebrows. The first reason needs no further explanation, and as for the second, I admit I was curious: what the hell are perfect eyebrows? I never even knew there were such things as perfect eyebrows, let alone that some woman in the Twin Cities might be the owner of said eyebrows. And what are the odds of her having not just a perfect left eyebrow or a perfect right eyebrow but two perfect eyebrows? So in a spirit of scientific inquiry I was anxious to find at least one answer to the perennial question, "What the fuck?"

Jen agreed to met me at Nina's, and when she walked into the crowded cafe there was an immediate cessation of conversation as every head turned her way. A profoundly silent moment of shock and awe followed which was only broken when someone coughed in a house three blocks away. Apparently the other people in the cafe had never seen perfect eyebrows before either.

After graciously receiving the crowd's rapt attention as her just due Jen came over to where I was sitting. I stood up and smiled and said "Hi, you must be Jen, I'm Hulles and it's very nice to meet you." Actually, this is what I meant to say; what I actually said was "Mmph!" since her tongue was down my throat and her hands were clamped onto my ass like Vise Grips. Once I disentangled her and managed to convince her that I was serious about never having sex the first five minutes of a first date (I'm a nice boy!) we got along just fine.

To be serious for just a second, of course it wasn't a date and Jen is a chaste and demure young woman who would rather stick her tongue into an operating garbage disposal than into the Hulles mouthhold. Truth be told, I think the only reason she wanted to meet me at all was because I pissed her off when I said she was "p.r." (possibly real) in the Hulles Mythos and she wanted it changed to an "r." even if it meant confronting me in person. Which is of course why I made it "p.r." in the first place. Regardless, I had a wonderful time meeting both Jen and her eyebrows and enjoyed our ensuing conversation a lot. But what fun is that to write about? And she really does have perfect eyebrows. Really. Who knew?

Perfect eyebrows aside, I'll refrain from commenting upon the rest of Jen's physical appearance (hot) other than to say that she has flashing and sparkling brown eyes. This came as something of a surprise to me because I hadn't really gotten that from the Web videos she's been in. Maybe it was the black bar across them.

Well, looks like I found something to blog about after all, so thanks Jen. You earned your "r." Unfortunately I have to end this entry rather abruptly since Phase Two of the Mexican Windbreaker is about to kick in. This is where my eyeballs pop out and land in someone's chai and the storm arrives that was only presaged by distant thunder in Phase One. Later. Gotta run.

-- Hulles


Jen said...

Yay! I got changed to an "r!" But hamsa is spelled with an "s," not a "z." You hamster. ;)

anne frasier said...

A profoundly silent moment of shock and awe followed which was only broken when someone coughed in a house three blocks away.


great post, hulles!

i'm glad you were able to switch jen to an "r". and distant thunder aside, i'm sure she found you the perfect gentleman.

(oh, you are on new blogger, which explains why you aren't getting any broken-kneecap threats.)

Stephen Blackmoore said...

Do you have any idea what that stuff will do to your colon? Feed some to a pigeon for a graphic display. You might want to get behind some blast shielding first, though.

Jen's real? And here's me thinking I just had a rich fantasy life.

cK said...

The "Hulles mouthhold"!? That's gold. I love that term: mouthhold. I know you call the Coffee Cafe redundantly named, but mouthhold? The mouth is, in its mouthy way, a vessel: something that holds.

How strange you are, sir. But I'm glad you had a grand time.

Perhaps we'll get JeNC17 to get Frosty one day so I can photograph those perfect eyebrows. And I'm talking a macro shot for my blog. None of this portraiture stuff. I'm looking for perfect eyebrows. Ehem.

Missy said...

Did you mean to say gotta run? Shouldn't it have been got the runs. Sheesh! A breakfast like that would have made me ... it doesn't bear thinking.

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

After the noise of the day, I'm alone, blogging in my bed. It's quiet now. The yowling cat has finally ceased, there's no car cacophany outside, no yabbering tv, I can hear the blood whoosh in my ears...but wait, what's that? It sounded like a fart from 1700 miles away interrupting my profoundly silent moment...

cK said...

Oh my god. How did it go? Erin said it earlier (quoting her mother): "Whoever smell 'er, fell 'er."

I'm lookin' at you, Lollie.


LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Dude! It must have been the cat...I'm teaching her to be a fartriloquist.

Anonymous said...

No, it's "the smeller's the feller". You know, like as in "fellow". You know, if you're from the South, and instead of saying "fellow", you say "feller".

Anyway, I thought I had the perfect eyebrows! This Jen sounds like a HOT CHICK! Right on, Jen!

And Hulles, that breakfast -you know that I'm the one that gave you that recipe! Ha Ha! But seriously, like I said at Frost last night, it is full of good-for-you minerals, vitamins and fiber. Just what you need after a good tongue shave!


Lollie said...

I thought it was, "Who ever smelt it, dealt it." But I'm from Canada, eh? Could be wrong...

And it still wasn't me.

Jen said...

Tis true, Mr. Blackmoore. I am indeed of the flesh; however, I think that should only add to the richness of your fantasy life. And by the way, I most certainly DID NOT fall asleep during my tattoo. I think you exaggerate your pain tolerance.

cK, I'm not sure how I feel about your frosty photo. Perfect eyebrows (ehem) are best appreciated in person.

Thanks, Erin! I'm sure your eyebrows are great. But I think I've got the market cornered on perfect. Unless you allow me to shape them for you. Then yours could be perfect too.

Anonymous said...

Lollie - "The person that smelt it dealt it" is the typical phrase to use. My mom, being the Southern Belle (and hot chick) that she is (Alice Ann), came up with "The smeller's the feller". She likes to be cute like that. However, "Whoever smell 'er, fell 'er" is a good one, too.

Jen - Eyebrow shaping session?! Sign me up!


Hulles said...

Jen - I remember mispelling it but I don't remember where. Refresh my memory if you could. And sorry. I original did put hamster but changed it to what I thought it really was.

Anne - thanks lots! And I'm not sure how I got on new blogger but I suppose that's ok; just so my kneecaps aren't threatened, they're very sensitive.

Stephen - I know better than most what that stuff will do to your colon. The recipe underwent extensive testing in the Hulles Labs prior to appearing here.
And I'm quite certain you do have a rich fantasy life but Jen is certainly real as I'm happy to report.

cK - Thanks; I liked "mouthhold" a lot myself, it sounded right for what I was trying to say. And me strange? There's a folksy phrase involving the color of pots and kettles that escapes me right now....

Missy, you're right, none of this bears thinking about for someone of my delicate temperament. The lard in the refried beans combines with the cockroach garnish to produce a mild hallucinogenic which is why I wrote this post at all. It took me years to find that combination and make a cocktail out of it.

Lollie, sorry about that. Actually I've found that if you starting counting 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi... when you hear it until the time you smell it and divide the total by 38 it gives you the distance in miles to the farter. I'm sure you knew this already which is how you knew I was 1700 miles away, but I thought I'd trot it out here anyway.

And I'm glad you're back. And I'm glad you changed your undergarments, commenters were starting to murmur among themselves.

Erin, Jen is a hot chick, but please don't tell that, she doesn't need the encouragement. And ahem, you had nothing at all to do with the development of that drink. It was already posted when you first heard of it. And I knew all that nutrition-type stuff already from my research. But nice try. And the habanero seeds work magic on any little nicks you might have made while shaving your tongue, you're absolutely correct.

Lollie - You're from Canada? Uh oh.

Jen - to translate cK's wild flights of fancy, he meant you should join us for one of our episodes of binge drinking at W. A. Frost, the place you and I scooted over to the other night. Which I think is a grand idea. You'll be able to meet a whole crop of new eccentrics. And please don't feed Mr. Blackmoore or rattle his cage, it upsets his digestion and causes him not to play well with others.

Erin - not sure if you know but Jen really is an esthetician and can kick ass on pretty much any bodily hair shaping you care to indulge in. I'll give you her 411 if you want.

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Whoever nosed 'er, hosed 'er.
Whoever detected, ejected.
Whoever olfactored, manufactured. (Okay - that was a stretch)

Hulles said...

Oh and Anne, thanks for the "perfect gentleman" comment. I'm not sure 'perfect' is ever applicable to me -- especially not to my eyebrows -- but I hope I was indeed a gentleman. We're a dying breed. That's because we don't get a chance to reproduce.

Hulles said...

Someone slap Lollie and bring her back to us.

Hulles said...

Or her front to us, we can find uses for that as well I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

Lollie: Whoever nosed 'er, hosed 'er! Nice one!

Hulles: Hmmm... Bodily hair shaping... And, thanks for the "Baby Got Back" lyrics! The part where he says: "Deep in the jeans she's wearin'" - I always thought that was: "Deep in the G she's wearin'" (as in G-string). It's good to know the correct wording, so I don't look stupid when I'm performing it live.


Jen said...

Hulles, you will find it misspelled in your Mythos under people. And I quote:

r., a Twin Cities blogger with perfect eyebrows and great boobs and a hamza tattoo

And I would be honored to join you for an episode of binge drinking and eccentrics meeting. I do so love to drink and entertain.

Hulles said...

Jen, I fixed the spelling, thanks. And everybody else, the "great boobs" part came from Jen originally from before I met her if you're curious.

It would be wonderful if you did join us. I'll let you know. And don't be surprised if Erin grabs your boob.

Come to think of it, if anyone else wants to come let me know, we'd love to have you. Expect mayhem and bring warm money. It would be nice to not make Chris buy me scotch and make you do it instead.

Jen said...

Hulles, I look forward to the mayhem.

Erin, you can grab my boob. Just buy me a drink and whisper a sweet nothing in my ear first. ;)

Anonymous said...

Now, you're making me sound like some kind of obsessive boob-grabber! You know I didn't MEAN to touch that woman's boob last night!

And, I won't be at Frost tonight, but I'll more than likely be there tomorrow night. (If I count as one of the eccentrics)


cK said...

How did I miss this entire thread? I've nothing further to add but my awe. You are golden souls.

Sally forth!

Stephen Blackmoore said...

"I most certainly DID NOT fall asleep during my tattoo."


Kristen Painter said...

You make me laugh. Afterwards, I feel sort of dirty, but I'm learning to deal.

Jen said...

Mr. Blackmoore, insults such as that roll right off my tattooed back. Because while I may not be as tolerant of tattooing, I guarantee you aren't as tolerant as I of waxing. I'd like to see you fall asleep in the midst of having your naughty bits waxed. Then we'll see just who the lightweight truly is.

JC said...

Wow Hulles, it's becoming a hurculean task in itself just reading through all of the comments. Still, I'm proud to say I remember you when....

Also, I'm glad I still remain only a "p.r." as is adds an air of mystery to my otherwise banal existence. In fact, sometimes I wonder what kind of criterion you have for establishing a "r" designation. Do you use some kind of advanced technology to screen out clones, drones, dopplegangers, replicant androids, and evil twins? Just looking out for your best interests, my man. Of course, does it really matter if the android is hot?

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Ummm, Canada bad, uh oh? Or Canada good, uh-oh?

Cause if you diss (sp?) the Maple Leaf, I may have to do some slapping of my own...

Take off.
Good Day, eh?
Culoo cucoo cucoo coo coo!

Stephen Blackmoore said...

"Then we'll see just who the lightweight truly is."

You're on. We each do it and send video to the other to prove it.

You go first.

Hulles said...

Jen, good thing I didn't know that's what it took the other night.

Erin, not only do you count, you are the baroness of the eccentrics. I look forward to seeing you Sat. if I make it out myself.

cK, don't call me Sally.

Mr. B., no comment, I know what's good for me and am lots closer to her than you are.

Kristen, God bless you, I laughed out loud when I read your comment. Thank you so much! I'm adding your comment to my trophy mantle. I'm still laughing, actually. To finally respond to what you said, if I've made you laugh, as far as I'm concerned it's mission accomplished. That's what I try to do, and will use any means fair or foul to do so. Some fouler than others, as you imply. I imagine you are not the only one who showers after you read my stuff. Thanks again for the comment. You made my night. XO.

Jen, Stephen, I want to film it when the naughty bits are waxed. I'll make millions just from the readers of Anne Frasier's blog who will want a copy of the video.

JC, good to have you back aboard as I've said, and happy belated birthday besides. Yeah, you're one of the old timers. And recalling a comment of yours from a while ago about "comely readers," if KAS and Kristen above don't count I don't know who does.

If you want to know about the p.r. vs. r. designation, I think the post where I talked about that was called "Electric Sheep," you can search the old blog for it if you want. Using the word "replicant" in your comments already causes me to suspect you recognize the title.

And as far as hot androids, I figure if I'm totally okay with a couple fake boobs (and I am, btw) then a hot android is just the next logical step and I'd be a hypocrite to complain. So I won't. Androids welcome. Bring warm money.

Jen said...

Mr. Blackmoore, I would love to take you up on your offer, but unfortunately I just took care of that task myself the other day, and therefore have nothing left to wax. And besides, Hulles would have a stroke. Or perhaps more than one. In more than one way.

Hulles said...

Jen, you're absolutely right, I would have a stroke or two. Saucy minx.

Jen said...

Oooh! Saucy minx! I'm totally adding that to my list of compliments. Right after Sugar Tits. And Kitten. And Vixen.