Sunday, January 28, 2007

[The Hulles Mythos, a compendium of facts, fictions and outright lies from the world of the Hulles blog, was grudgingly prepared by V. I. Knuper's freshman writing class at Wellesley College so they could pass his damn course.]


Glossary
People
Places
Famous People With Whom Hulles Would Most Like To Have Lunch (That We Know About So Far)
Women With Whom Hulles Is Not Madly In Love (That We Know About So Far)
Filmography
Special Bonus Section: The Mugs Of Power
Abbreviations


Glossary

This is a list of words and phrases used in the Hulles blog to date. In other words, it's a glossary.
"A Child's Treasury Of Single Malt Scotches"
A Hulles children's book that unaccountably didn't sell well
"A Lutheran Boy's First Book Of Tits"
A Hulles children's book that unaccountably didn't sell well either
AAPI
American Association of Professional Iconoclasts
Ambition, distraction, uglification and derision
The four kinds of arithmetic (Lewis Carroll)
ARVN rifle
A rifle issued by the Army of the Republic of Viet Nam; typically in good shape because it was never fired and only dropped once
Bisontennial
A celebration of the 200th Hulles blog post
"Born to Glow"
Hulles internal tattoo done in radioactive ink on his left kidney that can only be seen in X-rays
Butfor
An unfortunate person about whom one says, "There but for the grace of God goes..."
Cabbage flowers
No idea what these really are but someone thinks we hold them in our ears
Chasing Windmills
An otherwise excellent daily web video series in which Hulles has had a cameo role as a stalker
Cocktail waitresses with cute asses
This phrase seems to be a favorite with "cute ass" googlers, just as the waitresses described by the phrase are favorites with Hulles
"Fine, you bitches, I'll use my real name."
Haunting phrase from Kat's blog bio
Genki seals
No idea what these are either
Gentlemen of the second declension
Gay men (Lawrence Durrell)
Golden Panty Box
The box into which Hulles deposits the panties hurled at him while he performs on-stage
"How drug!"
Intriguing phrase from a Brazilian Portuguese autotranslation, meaning unclear
Hulles Death Commandos
A band of hand-picked, highly-trained and extremely hot women that exhibit doglike devotion to Hulles
"Let's get you refooded"
Phrase used by Hulles to his cat that he thinks is cute
Meatamorphosis
The process by which various entrees become inedible in Hulles's refrigerator
Metaphor Mixer
An electrical appliance often used by Hulles when he writes
MIL
Acronym for Madly In Love, an oft-used phrase around these parts. To be official it needs to be in bold type.
My Naked Birthday Dance
Dance traditionally performed by Hulles in the buff on the occasion of his birthday
Naftab
A national foul-tasting alchoholic beverage, e.g. Brennivin
Naked Wednesdays
The Hulles answer to the ubiquitous "Wordless Wednesday" blog phenomenon
NDPS
No Discernible Personality Syndrome
Netsuke straps
No idea what these are but they sound cool: "Tighten your netsuke straps..."
"No need to be horny and alone"
Subject of an email thoughtfully sent to Hulles by spammers
"O Mio Babbino Caro"
Aria for soprano or Hulles from the opera “Gianni Schicchi” by Giacomo Puccini
Omijukis
Also no clue what these are but they also sound cool: "Grab your omijukis..."
Reeling, writhing and fainting in coils
Grammar school subjects in which Hulles excelled (Lewis Carroll)
Running of the Goats
An annual event at New Lugburz designed to woo tourists
Sarcasm Sprayer
Like the Metaphor Mixer, an electrical appliance often used by Hulles when he writes that renders sentences that drip with contempt
SBG
Serial Boring Guy
Seat Of Pleasure And Of Pain
A bar stool with special attributes at the former Chang O'Hara's
Sex dog
An extremely hot and sexy older man, i.e. Hulles
Short Path
Refers to Short Path Buddhism, which teaches that one can achieve enlightenment by performing arbitrary acts; i.e. the perfect excuse for everything one ever does
Skeet Tzu
A sport combining the best elements of skeet shooting and small dog flinging
Smiling Mamegoma
No idea what this is either
Strumpet wrangler
Someone who assists Hulles in buying drinks for cute and unsuspecting young women, typically a bartender
Socktoberfest
Traditional celebration of the splendor of socks held in October
Suck Factor
A measure of how much a day sucks, 10 being the suckiest and 0 being any day one gets laid no matter what else happens
Tantric Sex Secrets of the Orient
Mysterious, intriguing and physically strenuous sexual practices that Hulles teaches at a local junior college
Texas Brain Cell Massacre
Pretty much what happens any time Hulles goes out for a cocktail
"They shoot, they get naked themselves, and they drive me fearful"
Phrase used by a Zambian soldier to describe female guerrilla fighters
Three Foot High Club
An exclusive club of people who have had sex on a train
Trailer Parkinson's Disease
A tragic disease afflicting an unusually high percentage of Hulles's ex-girlfriends
Triceratennial
A celebration of the 300th Hulles blog post
Underwear Gnomes
Gnomes that come at night and steal kids' underpants; they bite the ears off any little boy that leaves skid marks in them
Vinegar eels
Not eels at all, but nematodes that Hulles seems to find fascinating for no reason we can determine
Werehamsters
Dangerous little imaginary creatures with inch-long fangs and an attitude
"With a vigor normally reserved for procreation"
Phrase originally used to describe rats on cocaine, now used by Hulles for nearly everything
World's Best Boyfriend Award
An award Hulles has never won
WUDDS
An acronym for "witty, urbane, dashing, debonair and sophisticated," attributes of a gentleman of distinction
Yeast cops
Law enforcement officers in charge of keeping expired yeast off grocery shelves; notoriously lax at their job
"You have the soul of a clerk"
For Hulles, the ultimate curse (Lawrence Durrell)
"Zombies Ate My Homework"
A Hulles young adult title that thankfully never reached publication


People

These are people and other creatures mentioned in Hulles blog entries.
A_____
r., Bizarro-Hulles putative writer who preys on young women even more heavy-handedly than Hulles himself
Amanda Adams
r., author of A Mermaid's Tale: A Personal Search for Love and Lore and local celebrity of sorts
Amber
p.r., any of a number of lovely young popsies with whom Hulles is acquainted
Angie
p.r., blogger with remarkable hair, member of Coyote Radio Theater (?)
Anne Frasier
r., clairvoyant, blogger, friend, author of a number of excellent creepy novels that you should own
Balderdash
p.r., NYC blogger who has tons of hot women who read his blog for some inexplicable reason
Becky Nyang
p.r., woman whose tongue stud was hit by lightning
Ben
r., friend, aka Spictacula
BethAnn
i., Hulles ex-wife
Black Diamond
r., female, Liberian guerrilla fighter
Brenda
r., friend, former Hulles bartender and strumpet wrangler
Cady
r., friend, former Hulles bartender with double-jointed elbows
Captain Solo
p.r., failed Zambian coup attempter
Carmen
r., Hulles's ex-wife and mother of Isabel and Cristina
Caroline Haerdi
r., Swiss knife thrower and former bartender at the Rio Bar in Basel
Casti
p.r., female, lovely Brazilian blogger upon whom Hulles has a huge crush
Charlotte The Social Worker
r., amusing woman Hulles met in a bar
cK
r., male blogger and friend of Hulles
Claire
p.r., adorable blogger from somewhere in the British Isles
Cristina
r., Hulles's youngest stepdaughter and co-creator of "Chasing Windmills" with Jadelr
Danielle
r., friend of Hulles, Marguerite's sister
Danielle (Toronto)
r., Hulles date at one time
David
r., former Hulles co-worker, aka The Fontmeister
Dave the Crazed Engineer
r., Hulles friend and co-conspirator
Diego
r., Hulles's step-grandchild, son of Isabel
Donald Kaul
r., former columnist for the Des Moines Register
Doris
i., Frank the squirrel's girlfriend
Ed Burke
r., former Latin professor of Hulles's
Elena Anaya
r., Spanish actress in "Sex and Lucia"
Emily
r., lovely and talented woman of Hulles's acquaintance
Erin
r., friend of Hulles, aka "The Mexican"
Eva
p.r., writer, blogger, mother of seven, excoriatrix
Fanatica
r., psychotic nemesis of Hulles with a hairy crotch
Ferbs
r., friend of Hulles
Flatula
p.i., The initially less-attractive friend of an Ashley at the bar
Fluffy
i., dead Shih Tzu
Frank
i., squirrel by day, werehamster when the moon is full
Garrison Keillor
r., celebrity, owner of Common Good Books
Gordy
r., practicing animist and friend of Hulles
Haley
r., suddenly and completely
Harry Morton
r., president of the Pink Taco chain of Mexican restaurants and former beau of Lindsay Lohan
Heather Harper
p.r., writer, blogger, mom, and purportedly a recently-discovered daughter of Hulles
Hilary Hahn
r., exquisite classical violinist
Hulles
p.r., (pronounced "hull ace") blog author, sex dog, Curmudgeon-In-Chief of the Hulles blog
Isabel
r., Hulles's oldest stepdaughter and mother of Diego
J
p.r., male, photographer and blogger whose identity Hulles tried to steal, probably Lo's boyfriend
Jadelr
r., male, friend of Hulles, co-creator of "Chasing Windmills" with Cristina
Jadie
r., lovely young barista at the redundantly-named Nina's Coffee Cafe
Janet From Another Planet
r., neighborhood character
JC
p.r., blogger who recently moved from the Low Countries back to the US, aka Justin
Jen
r., a Twin Cities blogger with perfect eyebrows and great boobs and a hamsa tattoo
Jen (Music)
r., local woman with superb taste in music; no idea what her boobs are like
Jennifer Garner
r., celebrity, actor, and the only woman we know of so far that Hulles is not madly in love with
Jill Johnston
r., writer for the Village Voice at one time
Jill Villeneuve
i., Rolling Stone reporter
Julie
r., friend and veggie wrap eater
Kat
p.r., very funny (and totally hot) New York blogger
Kristen Painter
p.r., writer, blogger, the exact opposite of an ugly, uncouth 400 lb. male truck driver
La Espia T.
p.r., bootylicious Twin Cities blogger
Lauren
r., friend of Hulles
Leo
r., Hulles's younger brother who is nearly as creepy as Hulles is (he passed away 10/31/2007)
Lester
r., Hulles's Jack Dempsey who was offed by an ex-girlfriend
Lisa
r., one-time object of desire for Hulles, instantly became "just a friend" when he found out she was 19
Little Jimmy
i., the Littlest Werehamster
Lo
p.r., darling young female musician and blogger in Minneapolis
Lollie
p.r., blogger, intriguing former principal dancer with the Oakland Ballet who has intelligent breasts
Lu
r., friend, occasional bartender at Costello's, no relation to Lo
Lucy
p.i., person with whom Hulles had a tawdry affair
M2
see Marguerite
Mala Rodríguez
p.r., steamy hot Spanish hip-hop singer
Margo Timmins
r.,lead singer for the band "Cowboy Junkies"
Marguerite
r., close friend of Hulles, aka M2, Danielle's sister
Maria
r., erudite mysterious tortured soul, stalker of Hulles (in his dreams, she would say)
Martine van Hamel
r., at one time principal dancer with the American Ballet Theater
Max Brooks
r., author, son of Mel Brooks, noted zombie authority
Melissa Rainville
r., local chanteuse
Mikey
r., Hulles's ex-cat
Milla Jovovich
r., actress, frequent winner of the Hulles Most Beautiful Mouth Award
Mimi
r., Hulles's current big-boned cat, best friend and confidante
Missy
p.r., blogger, sports fan, correcter of German and possibly fellow Iowan
Mistress Elena
r., friend and strict esthetician
Molly
r., slendrous female, Latin scholar, friend of Hulles
Mosilager
p.r., blogger and notorious ladies' man who seems to pop up all over the world
N_____
r., (pronounced "en, underscore, underscore, underscore...") lovely woman that Hulles met in a bar
Nips
i., dead Shih Tzu
Nancy
r., one of Hulles's ex-girlfriends
Onan
p.r., Dorothy Parker's parakeet, named after Biblical mastubator
Paz Vega
r., Spanish actress in "Sex and Lucia"
Polly
r., friend, heckler, curmudgeonette, web site designer
Ranjit
i., outsourced blog writer
Rett
p.r., blogger who "likes mustaches and beards," it remains to be seen on what
Sandy
r., beautiful young woman for whom Hulles is making a "top" and with whom Hulles is madly in love (of course)
Seans and Heathers
p.i., various offspring that Hulles has scattered across the world in his wanderings
Shelly
r., female friend and good hugger
Sol
r., friend who holds court at the end of the W. A. Frost bar (passed away 10/2009)
Sparky
i., spectacularly dead Shih Tzu
Spictacula
see Ben
Sue Zumberge
r., manager of Common Good Books, new friend
Susan
r., friend and ex-girlfriend of Hulles that used to wear aluminum foil on her head and eat beer jello
Suzanne Blue
r., beautiful and intriguing young woman that Hulles met in a bar
Stephen Blackmoore
p.i., writer, blogger, and Adjutant Curmudgeon of Hulles blog
T. M. Lauth
p.r., translator, fashion designer
Terri Schaefer
p.r., writer, blogger, asterisk-phrase user
Unca Don
r., friend of Hulles and indictable co-conspirator
V. I. Knuper, Ph. D.
i., professor of English at Wellesley College


Places

Places that have been immortalized in the Hulles blog.
Bobcaygeon, Ontario
p.r., An unremarkable town somewhere in Canada
Common Good Books
r., Garrison Keillor's charming bookstore in Saint Paul below Nina's
Costello's (“If we wanted people to come for the service, we would have opened a church.”)
r., Unpretentious bar in Saint Paul near Nina's
Dave's Palm Barbers
p.i., The place where Hulles gets the hair on his palms trimmed
Ladonia
r., small country of which Hulles is a citizen
Nataqua
r., short-lived republic founded by a Hulles ancestor
New Lugburz
i., A heavily-fortified ranch in northern Minnesota where Hulles and his posse have set up headquarters
The redundantly-named Nina's Coffee Cafe
r., A café in Saint Paul where Hulles often writes
Novo Santo Antonio
r., Town in Brazil where they distribute free Viagra™ to old folks
Rio Bar
r., Bar beloved of Hulles in Basel, Switzerland
Sealand
r., tiny country founded off the shores of England in an old fort
Smitten Kitten
r., A “truly feminist sex toy store” in Minneapolis
Sweeney's Saloon
r., Neighborhood bar where Hulles found true love
W. A. Frost
r., Upscale restaurant and bar near Nina's; the Anti-Costello's


Famous People With Whom Hulles Would Most Like To Have Lunch (That We Know About So Far)

  • Freddie Mercury
  • Bill McGlaughlin


Women With Whom Hulles Is Not Madly In Love (That We Know About So Far)

  • Jennifer Garner


Filmography


Chasing Windmills episodes:

  • microsofty -- where Hulles first appears in a bookstore and looks creepy
  • tailed transaction -- where Hulles sits in a café and looks creepy
  • switch -- where Hulles creepily stalks Steve through the skyway
  • flight -- where Hulles peeks around a corner like a meerkat would if meerkats peeked around corners in alleys in a decidedly creepy fashion
  • run -- where Hulles smokes a cigarette very coolly indeed -- and looks creepy


Special Bonus Section: The Mugs Of Power

The The Mugs of Power are rare and coveted artifacts collected by Hulles in the course of his worldly travels. They are purported to confer special powers upon the person who drinks coffee from them, as explained below. The effects generally last from two hours to all day, depending upon the strength and quality of the coffee and the constitution of the coffee drinker.
The Deep Blue Mug Of Despair
This mug causes the drinker to fall into an utter funk in which life no longer seems worth living even if "Desperate Housewives" continues for another six seasons. No one has ever come up with a reason why anyone would willingly drink out of this mug, which is why Hulles plans on giving it to his stepmother next Christmas.
The Green Mug Of Gaiety
Drinking from this dainty little mug with pinky finger extended causes the male drinker to mince, lisp his words and flame like a house afire. Hulles often slams down a cup of coffee from this mug prior to a first date with an attractive woman, the better to lull her into bemused complacency before getting arm-waving drunk and dry-humping her leg.
The Pink Mug Of Perspicacity
Having one's morning coffee from this mug allows the drinker to easily penetrate the shallow-seeming exterior of most people to discern the true shallowness that lies deep within them. Effects generally last until the end of the work day. Made by the same ancient Sumerian potter who created the fabled Cyan Mug Of Cynicism, which Hulles is eager to acquire at any price.
The Purple Mug Of Passion
Drinking coffee from this mug makes the drinker tremendously excited about things that seem boring, trivial and mundane to nearly everyone else. Drinking from the Purple Mug Of Passion also tends to cause the drinker to go on and on and on about how great these things really would seem to you if only you could possibly understand their incredible significance in the grand scheme of things. This is the Mug Of Power generally preferred by Hulles unless he is hung over.
The Mauve Mug Of Memory
After drinking coffee from this cup in the morning, the drinker will remember all the stupid shit he did the night before when he was out sucking down scotch until 3 AM (albeit cheap scotch). Typically the only reason Hulles drinks from this mug is to remember who to avoid for the next six months.
The Red Mug Of Rigidity
This cup appears to be a sort of ancient version of Viagra™. If an erection lasts for more than four hours after drinking coffee from this mug, see your doctor, particularly if she happens to be totally hot. Hulles almost never drinks out of this mug; he has enough problems as it is.
The White Mug Of Wisdom
No one is quite sure what the effects of this mug really are. Obviously Hulles has never bothered to drink coffee from it.

Abbreviations

r. = real
p.r. = possibly real
p.i. = probably imaginary
i. = imaginary


23 comments:

Jen said...

Possibly real? I take issue with that. I'm very real, and I'm spectacular!

Heather Harper said...

I'm with Jen. I am real. Really, really. I promise.

Like I didn't already have a million father/daughter issues...

Stephen Blackmoore said...

"Adjutant Curmudgeon"

I had no idea I'd been promoted from "Piss Boy". I assume that this means no raise or a better cubicle, huh? Does it require prostrating oneself? Or is that prostating?

The trouble I get into mixing those two up. This means I need another tattoo, doesn't it?

The things I do for you people.

La Espia T. said...

Oh, so that's what p.r. means. nice. I get two mentions.

SCORE!!!!

Anonymous said...

Boy, with this map! Hulles is being very famous!

Kisses of Brazil!

only in the translator google!!!

Casti

anne frasier said...

overachiever

whenever my daughter does something spectacular, i say that to her. she knows it's a compliment. i think.

anyway, quite an impressive and entertaining project, hulles.

i'm also thinking of getting another tattoo. my friend jason the tattoo artist assures me that old skin is especially easy to tattoo because it doesn't snap back when pulled -- it just stays there. he's actually looking forward to tattooing my non-elastic skin.

Heather Harper said...

I have three tats. The last one was so painful that I will never sit through another one.

Mosilager said...

That outsourced blog writer is probably a buddy of mine - at last somebody called me a ladies' man.

Jen said...

I'm getting my first tat on Feb 20th! I'm very excited, but a little nervous for the pain. I'm making a friend go with me and hold my hand the whole time.

Stephen Blackmoore said...

I got my first tattoo a few weeks ago. A pretty large shoulder piece. I fell asleep while the artist was doing it. You'll be fine.

Jen said...

Fell asleep? Well, Mr. Blackmoore, I do believe you and I have completely different pain tolerance levels. But I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks for the vote of confidence. And btw, what did you get?

Heather Harper said...

The one that did me in was a large Amy Brown fairy on my lower back.

I almost puked and passed out. It was worse than giving birth, for me anyway. My artist must have hit some major nerves, not to mention I already had some lower back problems from a botched epidural attempt.

I'm sure you'll be fine. ;)

Stephen Blackmoore said...

Jen, I got something similar to this:

http://luckyfishart.com/enser.html

It's slightly different, mostly due to shading and the photo doesn't begin to do it justice.

The artist, Pat Fish, specializes in Celtic knotwork and does fantastic work. Took about two hours, mostly for all the black.

It hit bone a few times near the top since it was a shoulder piece, but for the most part it wasn't bad. My wife, however, got a back piece that went up her spine.

I think I'll be giving back pieces a skip.

Jen said...

Ok, that's not what I wanted to hear. I'm putting mine on my lower back. Yikes!

Heather Harper said...

Remember to breathe through the pain. And, you may not be as sensitive as me. The ones on my ankles were like cat scratches, a minor annoyance. My fairy is long and centered around a sensitive nerve area.

But it looks really cool. ;)

Jen said...

Well, cool is the most important thing here. What's a little pain if I can be cool forever, right? ;)
And like I said, I have a friend holding my hand the whole time. I made him promise he wouldn't leave me, even to go to the bathroom.

Hulles said...

Yikes! Gone for a day and you guys go nuts!

Jen, I know you're spectacular, and as far as your reality, see my Electric Sheep post.

Heather, you think you have father / daughter issues, I'm more madly in love with you than ever since I read about your tattoos.

Stephen, you're right about no raise or better cubicle. I am contemplating making you in charge of the West Coast branch of the Hulles franchise, however. This also involves no raise, but it will look good on your resume.

T., yeah, you're the only one with two entries. I imagine this is a dubious distinction, but it's yours for what it's worth.

Casti, I'm not sure about famous, but kisses of Minnesota right back at you.

Anne, thanks lots. As far as another tattoo, I want another one too. Guess that means I have to plan another overseas trip. Darn it.

M., you rascal, I'm sure I'm understating the reality considerably.

By the way everyone, Jen told me she's getting a hamster tattoo. You can see a picture of it here.
(It's actually a hamsa, whatever that is.) But it makes me think I might have to get a tattoo of the fiery-eyed hamster on Heather's site.

And speaking of whom, "My fairy is long and centered around a sensitive nerve area?" I read this before I knew what you guys were talking about and was nonplussed, to say the least.

Whew. Thanks for stopping by. If you click the "Abbreviations" link on this post it will take you to the bottom where the comment link is. Just thought I'd pass that on. Helpful Hints From Hulles.

Jen said...

For those of you who are curious, a hamsa is a Jewish symbol also commonly found in other middle eastern cultures. It looks like a hand and represents good luck. It often has other symbols decorating it, the most common of which is an eye in the palm. This eye wards off evil.

Hulles said...

Sorry, I screwed up the link I meant to include in the previous comment. The hamsa picture is here if I did it right this time.

anne frasier said...

nice tattoo, stephen!

Hulles said...

I agree. I'm not a huge fan of blackwork but I like that.

s4xton said...

Hilarious, and quite useful. I wish more blogs had such a resource about themselves.

Hulles said...

s4xton, thanks lots. I felt the lack in other blogs when I had just discovered them and couldn't read hundreds of entries but still wanted to know what was going on, so I created this. It felt really egotistical to create it but I'm glad I did.