The Hulles Mythos

[The Hulles Mythos, a compendium of facts, fictions and outright lies from the world of the Hulles blog, was grudgingly prepared by V. I. Knuper's freshman writing class at Wellesley College so they could pass his damn course.]


Glossary
People
Places
Famous People With Whom Hulles Would Most Like To Have Lunch (That We Know About So Far)
Women With Whom Hulles Is Not Madly In Love (That We Know About So Far)
Filmography
Special Bonus Section: The Mugs Of Power
Abbreviations

Glossary

This is a list of words and phrases used in the Hulles blog to date. In other words, it's a glossary.

"A Child's Treasury Of Single Malt Scotches"

A Hulles children's book that unaccountably didn't sell well

"A Lutheran Boy's First Book Of Tits"

A Hulles children's book that unaccountably didn't sell well either

AAPI

American Association of Professional Iconoclasts

Ambition, distraction, uglification and derision

The four kinds of arithmetic (Lewis Carroll)

ARVN rifle

A rifle issued by the Army of the Republic of Viet Nam; typically in good shape because it was never fired and only dropped once

Bisontennial

A celebration of the 200th Hulles blog post

"Born to Glow"

Hulles internal tattoo done in radioactive ink on his left kidney that can only be seen in X-rays

Butfor

An unfortunate person about whom one says, "There but for the grace of God goes..."

Cabbage flowers

No idea what these really are but someone thinks we hold them in our ears

Chasing Windmills

An otherwise excellent daily web video series in which Hulles has had a cameo role as a stalker

Cocktail waitresses with cute asses

This phrase seems to be a favorite with "cute ass" googlers, just as the waitresses described by the phrase are favorites with Hulles

"Fine, you bitches, I'll use my real name."

Haunting phrase from Kat's blog bio

Genki seals

No idea what these are either

Gentlemen of the second declension

Gay men (Lawrence Durrell)

Golden Panty Box

The box into which Hulles deposits the panties hurled at him while he performs on-stage

"How drug!"

Intriguing phrase from a Brazilian Portuguese autotranslation, meaning unclear

Hulles Death Commandos

A band of hand-picked, highly-trained and extremely hot women that exhibit doglike devotion to Hulles

"Let's get you refooded"

Phrase used by Hulles to his cat that he thinks is cute

Meatamorphosis

The process by which various entrees become inedible in Hulles's refrigerator

Metaphor Mixer

An electrical appliance often used by Hulles when he writes

MIL

Acronym for Madly In Love, an oft-used phrase around these parts. To be official it needs to be in bold type.

My Naked Birthday Dance

Dance traditionally performed by Hulles in the buff on the occasion of his birthday

Naftab

A national foul-tasting alchoholic beverage, e.g. Brennivin

Naked Wednesdays

The Hulles answer to the ubiquitous "Wordless Wednesday" blog phenomenon

NDPS

No Discernible Personality Syndrome

Netsuke straps

No idea what these are but they sound cool: "Tighten your netsuke straps..."

"No need to be horny and alone"

Subject of an email thoughtfully sent to Hulles by spammers

"O Mio Babbino Caro"

Aria for soprano or Hulles from the opera “Gianni Schicchi” by Giacomo Puccini

Omijukis

Also no clue what these are but they also sound cool: "Grab your omijukis..."

Reeling, writhing and fainting in coils

Grammar school subjects in which Hulles excelled (Lewis Carroll)

Running of the Goats

An annual event at New Lugburz designed to woo tourists

Sarcasm Sprayer

Like the Metaphor Mixer, an electrical appliance often used by Hulles when he writes that renders sentences that drip with contempt

SBG

Serial Boring Guy

Seat Of Pleasure And Of Pain

A bar stool with special attributes at the former Chang O'Hara's

Sex dog

An extremely hot and sexy older man, i.e. Hulles

Short Path

Refers to Short Path Buddhism, which teaches that one can achieve enlightenment by performing arbitrary acts; i.e. the perfect excuse for everything one ever does

Skeet Tzu

A sport combining the best elements of skeet shooting and small dog flinging

Smiling Mamegoma

No idea what this is either

Strumpet wrangler

Someone who assists Hulles in buying drinks for cute and unsuspecting young women, typically a bartender

Socktoberfest

Traditional celebration of the splendor of socks held in October

Suck Factor

A measure of how much a day sucks, 10 being the suckiest and 0 being any day one gets laid no matter what else happens

Tantric Sex Secrets of the Orient

Mysterious, intriguing and physically strenuous sexual practices that Hulles teaches at a local junior college

Texas Brain Cell Massacre

Pretty much what happens any time Hulles goes out for a cocktail

"They shoot, they get naked themselves, and they drive me fearful"

Phrase used by a Zambian soldier to describe female guerrilla fighters

Three Foot High Club

An exclusive club of people who have had sex on a train

Trailer Parkinson's Disease

A tragic disease afflicting an unusually high percentage of Hulles's ex-girlfriends

Triceratennial

A celebration of the 300th Hulles blog post

Underwear Gnomes

Gnomes that come at night and steal kids' underpants; they bite the ears off any little boy that leaves skid marks in them

Vinegar eels

Not eels at all, but nematodes that Hulles seems to find fascinating for no reason we can determine

Werehamsters

Dangerous little imaginary creatures with inch-long fangs and an attitude

"With a vigor normally reserved for procreation"

Phrase originally used to describe rats on cocaine, now used by Hulles for nearly everything

World's Best Boyfriend Award

An award Hulles has never won

WUDDS

An acronym for "witty, urbane, dashing, debonair and sophisticated," attributes of a gentleman of distinction

Yeast cops

Law enforcement officers in charge of keeping expired yeast off grocery shelves; notoriously lax at their job

"You have the soul of a clerk"

For Hulles, the ultimate curse (Lawrence Durrell)

"Zombies Ate My Homework"

A Hulles young adult title that thankfully never reached publication

People

These are people and other creatures mentioned in Hulles blog entries.

A_____

r., Bizarro-Hulles putative writer who preys on young women even more heavy-handedly than Hulles himself

Amanda Adams

r., author of A Mermaid's Tale: A Personal Search for Love and Lore and local celebrity of sorts

Amber

p.r., any of a number of lovely young popsies with whom Hulles is acquainted

Angie

p.r., blogger with remarkable hair, member of Coyote Radio Theater (?)

Anne Frasier

r., clairvoyant, blogger, friend, author of a number of excellent creepy novels that you should own

Balderdash

p.r., NYC blogger who has tons of hot women who read his blog for some inexplicable reason

Becky Nyang

p.r., woman whose tongue stud was hit by lightning

Ben

r., friend, aka Spictacula

BethAnn

i., Hulles ex-wife

Black Diamond

r., female, Liberian guerrilla fighter

Brenda

r., friend, former Hulles bartender and strumpet wrangler

Cady

r., friend, former Hulles bartender with double-jointed elbows

Captain Solo

p.r., failed Zambian coup attempter

Carmen

r., Hulles's ex-wife and mother of Isabel and Cristina

Caroline Haerdi

r., Swiss knife thrower and former bartender at the Rio Bar in Basel

Casti

p.r., female, lovely Brazilian blogger upon whom Hulles has a huge crush

Charlotte The Social Worker

r., amusing woman Hulles met in a bar

cK

r., male blogger and friend of Hulles

Claire

p.r., adorable blogger from somewhere in the British Isles

Cristina

r., Hulles's youngest stepdaughter and co-creator of "Chasing Windmills" with Jadelr

Danielle

r., friend of Hulles, Marguerite's sister

Danielle (Toronto)

r., Hulles date at one time

David

r., former Hulles co-worker, aka The Fontmeister

Dave the Crazed Engineer

r., Hulles friend and co-conspirator

Diego

r., Hulles's step-grandchild, son of Isabel

Donald Kaul

r., former columnist for the Des Moines Register

Doris

i., Frank the squirrel's girlfriend

Ed Burke

r., former Latin professor of Hulles's

Elena Anaya

r., Spanish actress in "Sex and Lucia"

Emily

r., lovely and talented woman of Hulles's acquaintance

Erin

r., friend of Hulles, aka "The Mexican"

Eva

p.r., writer, blogger, mother of seven, excoriatrix

Fanatica

r., psychotic nemesis of Hulles with a hairy crotch

Ferbs

r., friend of Hulles

Flatula

p.i., The initially less-attractive friend of an Ashley at the bar

Fluffy

i., dead Shih Tzu

Frank

i., squirrel by day, werehamster when the moon is full

Garrison Keillor

r., celebrity, owner of Common Good Books

Gordy

r., practicing animist and friend of Hulles

Haley

r., suddenly and completely

Harry Morton

r., president of the Pink Taco chain of Mexican restaurants and former beau of Lindsay Lohan

Heather Harper

p.r., writer, blogger, mom, and purportedly a recently-discovered daughter of Hulles

Hilary Hahn

r., exquisite classical violinist

Hulles

p.r., (pronounced "hull ace") blog author, sex dog, Curmudgeon-In-Chief of the Hulles blog

Isabel

r., Hulles's oldest stepdaughter and mother of Diego

J

p.r., male, photographer and blogger whose identity Hulles tried to steal, probably Lo's boyfriend

Jadelr

r., male, friend of Hulles, co-creator of "Chasing Windmills" with Cristina

Jadie

r., lovely young barista at the redundantly-named Nina's Coffee Cafe

Janet From Another Planet

r., neighborhood character

JC

p.r., blogger who recently moved from the Low Countries back to the US, aka Justin

Jen

r., a Twin Cities blogger with perfect eyebrows and great boobs and a hamsa tattoo

Jen (Music)

r., local woman with superb taste in music; no idea what her boobs are like

Jennifer Garner

r., celebrity, actor, and the only woman we know of so far that Hulles is not madly in love with

Jill Johnston

r., writer for the Village Voice at one time

Jill Villeneuve

i., Rolling Stone reporter

Julie

r., friend and veggie wrap eater

Kat

p.r., very funny (and totally hot) New York blogger

Kristen Painter

p.r., writer, blogger, the exact opposite of an ugly, uncouth 400 lb. male truck driver

La Espia T.

p.r., bootylicious Twin Cities blogger

Lauren

r., friend of Hulles

Leo

r., Hulles's younger brother who is nearly as creepy as Hulles is (he passed away 10/31/2007)

Lester

r., Hulles's Jack Dempsey who was offed by an ex-girlfriend

Lisa

r., one-time object of desire for Hulles, instantly became "just a friend" when he found out she was 19

Little Jimmy

i., the Littlest Werehamster

Lo

p.r., darling young female musician and blogger in Minneapolis

Lollie

p.r., blogger, intriguing former principal dancer with the Oakland Ballet who has intelligent breasts

Lu

r., friend, occasional bartender at Costello's, no relation to Lo

Lucy

p.i., person with whom Hulles had a tawdry affair

M2

see Marguerite

Mala Rodríguez

p.r., steamy hot Spanish hip-hop singer

Margo Timmins

r.,lead singer for the band "Cowboy Junkies"

Marguerite

r., close friend of Hulles, aka M2, Danielle's sister

Maria

r., erudite mysterious tortured soul, stalker of Hulles (in his dreams, she would say)

Martine van Hamel

r., at one time principal dancer with the American Ballet Theater

Max Brooks

r., author, son of Mel Brooks, noted zombie authority

Melissa Rainville

r., local chanteuse

Mikey

r., Hulles's ex-cat

Milla Jovovich

r., actress, frequent winner of the Hulles Most Beautiful Mouth Award

Mimi

r., Hulles's current big-boned cat, best friend and confidante

Missy

p.r., blogger, sports fan, correcter of German and possibly fellow Iowan

Mistress Elena

r., friend and strict esthetician

Molly

r., slendrous female, Latin scholar, friend of Hulles

Mosilager

p.r., blogger and notorious ladies' man who seems to pop up all over the world

N_____

r., (pronounced "en, underscore, underscore, underscore...") lovely woman that Hulles met in a bar

Nips

i., dead Shih Tzu

Nancy

r., one of Hulles's ex-girlfriends

Onan

p.r., Dorothy Parker's parakeet, named after Biblical mastubator

Paz Vega

r., Spanish actress in "Sex and Lucia"

Polly

r., friend, heckler, curmudgeonette, web site designer

Ranjit

i., outsourced blog writer

Rett

p.r., blogger who "likes mustaches and beards," it remains to be seen on what

Sandy

r., beautiful young woman for whom Hulles is making a "top" and with whom Hulles is madly in love (of course)

Seans and Heathers

p.i., various offspring that Hulles has scattered across the world in his wanderings

Shelly

r., female friend and good hugger

Sol

r., friend who holds court at the end of the W. A. Frost bar (passed away 10/2009)

Sparky

i., spectacularly dead Shih Tzu

Spictacula

see Ben

Sue Zumberge

r., manager of Common Good Books, new friend

Susan

r., friend and ex-girlfriend of Hulles that used to wear aluminum foil on her head and eat beer jello

Suzanne Blue

r., beautiful and intriguing young woman that Hulles met in a bar

Stephen Blackmoore

p.i., writer, blogger, and Adjutant Curmudgeon of Hulles blog

T. M. Lauth

p.r., translator, fashion designer

Terri Schaefer

p.r., writer, blogger, asterisk-phrase user

Unca Don

r., friend of Hulles and indictable co-conspirator

V. I. Knuper, Ph. D.

i., professor of English at Wellesley College

Places

Places that have been immortalized in the Hulles blog.

Bobcaygeon, Ontario

p.r., An unremarkable town somewhere in Canada

Common Good Books

r., Garrison Keillor's charming bookstore in Saint Paul below Nina's

Costello's (“If we wanted people to come for the service, we would have opened a church.”)

r., Unpretentious bar in Saint Paul near Nina's

Dave's Palm Barbers

p.i., The place where Hulles gets the hair on his palms trimmed

Ladonia

r., small country of which Hulles is a citizen

Nataqua

r., short-lived republic founded by a Hulles ancestor

New Lugburz

i., A heavily-fortified ranch in northern Minnesota where Hulles and his posse have set up headquarters

The redundantly-named Nina's Coffee Cafe

r., A café in Saint Paul where Hulles often writes

Novo Santo Antonio

r., Town in Brazil where they distribute free Viagra™ to old folks

Rio Bar

r., Bar beloved of Hulles in Basel, Switzerland

Sealand

r., tiny country founded off the shores of England in an old fort

Smitten Kitten

r., A “truly feminist sex toy store” in Minneapolis

Sweeney's Saloon

r., Neighborhood bar where Hulles found true love

W. A. Frost

r., Upscale restaurant and bar near Nina's; the Anti-Costello's

Famous People With Whom Hulles Would Most Like To Have Lunch (That We Know About So Far)

• Freddie Mercury
• Bill McGlaughlin

Women With Whom Hulles Is Not Madly In Love (That We Know About So Far)

• Jennifer Garner

Filmography

Chasing Windmills episodes:

• microsofty -- where Hulles first appears in a bookstore and looks creepy
  
• tailed transaction -- where Hulles sits in a café and looks creepy
• switch -- where Hulles creepily stalks Steve through the skyway
• flight -- where Hulles peeks around a corner like a meerkat would if meerkats peeked around corners in alleys in a decidedly creepy fashion
  
• run -- where Hulles smokes a cigarette very coolly indeed -- and looks creepy
  

Special Bonus Section: The Mugs Of Power

The The Mugs of Power are rare and coveted artifacts collected by Hulles in the course of his worldly travels. They are purported to confer special powers upon the person who drinks coffee from them, as explained below. The effects generally last from two hours to all day, depending upon the strength and quality of the coffee and the constitution of the coffee drinker.

The Deep Blue Mug Of Despair

This mug causes the drinker to fall into an utter funk in which life no longer seems worth living even if "Desperate Housewives" continues for another six seasons. No one has ever come up with a reason why anyone would willingly drink out of this mug, which is why Hulles plans on giving it to his stepmother next Christmas.

The Green Mug Of Gaiety

Drinking from this dainty little mug with pinky finger extended causes the male drinker to mince, lisp his words and flame like a house afire. Hulles often slams down a cup of coffee from this mug prior to a first date with an attractive woman, the better to lull her into bemused complacency before getting arm-waving drunk and dry-humping her leg.

The Pink Mug Of Perspicacity

Having one's morning coffee from this mug allows the drinker to easily penetrate the shallow-seeming exterior of most people to discern the true shallowness that lies deep within them. Effects generally last until the end of the work day. Made by the same ancient Sumerian potter who created the fabled Cyan Mug Of Cynicism, which Hulles is eager to acquire at any price.

The Purple Mug Of Passion

Drinking coffee from this mug makes the drinker tremendously excited about things that seem boring, trivial and mundane to nearly everyone else. Drinking from the Purple Mug Of Passion also tends to cause the drinker to go on and on and on about how great these things really would seem to you if only you could possibly understand their incredible significance in the grand scheme of things. This is the Mug Of Power generally preferred by Hulles unless he is hung over.

The Mauve Mug Of Memory

After drinking coffee from this cup in the morning, the drinker will remember all the stupid shit he did the night before when he was out sucking down scotch until 3 AM (albeit cheap scotch). Typically the only reason Hulles drinks from this mug is to remember who to avoid for the next six months.

The Red Mug Of Rigidity

This cup appears to be a sort of ancient version of Viagra™. If an erection lasts for more than four hours after drinking coffee from this mug, see your doctor, particularly if she happens to be totally hot. Hulles almost never drinks out of this mug; he has enough problems as it is.

The White Mug Of Wisdom

No one is quite sure what the effects of this mug really are. Obviously Hulles has never bothered to drink coffee from it.

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Abbreviations

r. = real
p.r. = possibly real
p.i. = probably imaginary
i. = imaginary