Sunday, May 24, 2009

"Just when you thought you had enough Facebook Friends, devout followers of the Vatican can soon add the Pope as a friend." - Reuters
I don't want to assume too much. If you don't know what Facebook is, you should go here. Suffice it to say that Facebook is a so-called "social networking" application that lets you tell the whole world - or at least your Facebook Friends - what you're eating for lunch on a given day. It is a huge social phenomenon and if you don't already have a Facebook account you must be my mother.

So, given the news I reproduced at the top of this post, here is what my Facebook page will look like soon:

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The Pope has sent you a New Friend Request. Accept / I am a Protestant

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The Pope sent a request using Vampires:

Dear victim, you have been bitten by The Pope! Click the 'Start Biting Chumps' button to become a Vampire and start biting and fighting other chumps!


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The Pope has commented on your photo:
Vos vultus funditus fervens in ut picture!
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The Pope sent a request using Kidnap!:

You have been Kidnap'd by The Pope to Venice with the Roman Catapult!


The Pope completed the quiz "What type of underwear are you?" with the result COMMANDO- NO PANTIES!!.

You are COMMANDO! You are a true extrovert with no inhibitions! You are a firm believer that rules are made to be broken, conformity sucks and clothes were made to be taken off! You are the life of the party who is on everybody's A-List. We can always count on you to get the party started and you do it with reckless abandon. You bring out the party animal in others and we LOVE YOU!.
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The Pope has poked you! Poke back / Go to Confession

-- Hulles

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Six hundred years after every other European male, the Scotsman must bid adieu to his purse. According to the Edinburgh Daily Scotsman,
"European politicians yesterday spelled the end of the traditional Scottish sporran by voting to ban the sale of seal products across the continent. The move will mean the manufacture and sale of sealskin sporrans will be illegal from next autumn. This will affect existing unsold stock and also the second-hand trade.

"The vast majority of sporrans worn with the traditional Scottish national dress are made from sealskin."
We would like to reassure readers that, in spite of the demise of their purses, Scotsmen will continue to wear skirts.

- Hulles

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

"The iPod... fulfills the U.S. military's need to equip soldiers with a single device that can perform many different tasks. Apple's online App Store offers more than 25,000 (and counting) applications for the iPhone and iPod Touch, which shares the iPhone's touchscreen.... An iPod 'may be all that they need,' says Lt. Col. Jim Ross, director of the Army's intelligence, electronic warfare and sensors operations in Fort Monmouth, New Jersey." - Newsweek

Somewhere in the hinterlands of Iraq:

Pvt. Sacco: "Holy shit! We're being shot at!

Bullets zing by.

Cpl. Vanzetti: "There's a sniper in that abandoned building over there. Can any of you spot him?"

More shots fired.

Pvt. Trotsky: "Nope."

Pvt. Sacco: "No, no sign of him."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "I'm calling this in to HQ to get us some backup. Trotsky, give me your iPhone."

Pvt. Trotsky [sullenly]: "Here. But there's not much battery left. And give it back when you're done, I'm following Diablo Cody on Twitter."

The Corporal dials his Captain's number on the iPhone.

Voice: "Hi, you've reached Doris. I'm not available to take your call right now but please leave a message. To page me, please press '5' now."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Damn it. I must have written the number down wrong. Anybody got the HQ number?"

Pvt. Sacco: "Yeah, hang on, I have it on speed dial."

The Private rattles off the number and the Corporal tries again.

Capt. Scurageous: "Captain Scurageous."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Sir, this is Corporal Vanzetti. My squad is on patrol and we're pinned down by sniper fire in the village of Bumfuk."

Capt. Scuragreous: "Really? I thought that was in Egypt."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Begging the Captain's pardon, but if you check 'Things To Do Around The World' on your iPod you'll see that there are two Bumfuks, one in Egypt and one in Iraq. We're in the one in Iraq."

Capt. Scurageous: "I'll be damned. Of course you are, son, of course you are. Now what about that sniper? Are you returning fire?"

Cpl. Vanzetti: "No sir, no one here has a weapon."

Capt. Scurageous: "WHAT!"

Cpl. Vanzetti: "That's right, sir. Remember that Col. Ross said that iPods and iPhones are all we need."

Capt. Scurageous [grinding his teeth]: "Well, ain't that great? I suppose you've thought of throwing your iPods at the sniper?"

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Yes sir. Private Ryan bought it when he was trying to sneak in closer to chuck his iPhone into the middle of the sniper's nest. By the way, it shares a touch screen with the iPod. Anyway, the Private got a call and his ring tone went off, Kanye's "Heartless" I think it was. Fucker never had a chance, begging your pardon sir."

Capt. Scurageous: "Well, you boys and girls stay put and I'll send some air cover and a couple - "

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Shit. I lost him. We're out of the cellular signal coverage area. Sacco, how many bars do you have over there?"

Pvt. Sacco: "I've got two bars, Corporal."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Well we'll just have to make that do. Call the Captain back and tell him our position, and that we'll toss a neon green flashing iPod out to mark our - "

Pvt. Sacco: "Corporal, the sniper has ceased firing. Maybe we can sneak away."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "He probably just ran out of ammo."

Pvt. Trotsky: "No, I can just barely make out the theme music from KingdomGame. He must have found Ryan's iPhone after all."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Well, I'll be damned. He'll probably be playing that sucker all night. I'm going to make sure Pvt. Ryan gets a medal out of this at least."

Pvt. Sacco: "That'd be great. In the meantime, I'll just see if any of the locals have a Jeep for sale so we can get the hell out of here."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Carry on, Private. Carry on."

- Hulles