Tuesday, May 05, 2009

"The iPod... fulfills the U.S. military's need to equip soldiers with a single device that can perform many different tasks. Apple's online App Store offers more than 25,000 (and counting) applications for the iPhone and iPod Touch, which shares the iPhone's touchscreen.... An iPod 'may be all that they need,' says Lt. Col. Jim Ross, director of the Army's intelligence, electronic warfare and sensors operations in Fort Monmouth, New Jersey." - Newsweek

Somewhere in the hinterlands of Iraq:

Pvt. Sacco: "Holy shit! We're being shot at!

Bullets zing by.

Cpl. Vanzetti: "There's a sniper in that abandoned building over there. Can any of you spot him?"

More shots fired.

Pvt. Trotsky: "Nope."

Pvt. Sacco: "No, no sign of him."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "I'm calling this in to HQ to get us some backup. Trotsky, give me your iPhone."

Pvt. Trotsky [sullenly]: "Here. But there's not much battery left. And give it back when you're done, I'm following Diablo Cody on Twitter."

The Corporal dials his Captain's number on the iPhone.

Voice: "Hi, you've reached Doris. I'm not available to take your call right now but please leave a message. To page me, please press '5' now."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Damn it. I must have written the number down wrong. Anybody got the HQ number?"

Pvt. Sacco: "Yeah, hang on, I have it on speed dial."

The Private rattles off the number and the Corporal tries again.

Capt. Scurageous: "Captain Scurageous."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Sir, this is Corporal Vanzetti. My squad is on patrol and we're pinned down by sniper fire in the village of Bumfuk."

Capt. Scuragreous: "Really? I thought that was in Egypt."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Begging the Captain's pardon, but if you check 'Things To Do Around The World' on your iPod you'll see that there are two Bumfuks, one in Egypt and one in Iraq. We're in the one in Iraq."

Capt. Scurageous: "I'll be damned. Of course you are, son, of course you are. Now what about that sniper? Are you returning fire?"

Cpl. Vanzetti: "No sir, no one here has a weapon."

Capt. Scurageous: "WHAT!"

Cpl. Vanzetti: "That's right, sir. Remember that Col. Ross said that iPods and iPhones are all we need."

Capt. Scurageous [grinding his teeth]: "Well, ain't that great? I suppose you've thought of throwing your iPods at the sniper?"

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Yes sir. Private Ryan bought it when he was trying to sneak in closer to chuck his iPhone into the middle of the sniper's nest. By the way, it shares a touch screen with the iPod. Anyway, the Private got a call and his ring tone went off, Kanye's "Heartless" I think it was. Fucker never had a chance, begging your pardon sir."

Capt. Scurageous: "Well, you boys and girls stay put and I'll send some air cover and a couple - "

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Shit. I lost him. We're out of the cellular signal coverage area. Sacco, how many bars do you have over there?"

Pvt. Sacco: "I've got two bars, Corporal."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Well we'll just have to make that do. Call the Captain back and tell him our position, and that we'll toss a neon green flashing iPod out to mark our - "

Pvt. Sacco: "Corporal, the sniper has ceased firing. Maybe we can sneak away."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "He probably just ran out of ammo."

Pvt. Trotsky: "No, I can just barely make out the theme music from KingdomGame. He must have found Ryan's iPhone after all."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Well, I'll be damned. He'll probably be playing that sucker all night. I'm going to make sure Pvt. Ryan gets a medal out of this at least."

Pvt. Sacco: "That'd be great. In the meantime, I'll just see if any of the locals have a Jeep for sale so we can get the hell out of here."

Cpl. Vanzetti: "Carry on, Private. Carry on."

- Hulles


Lollie said...

Bahahahahhahaaaaaaa! That was hilarious. There HAS to be a bomb noise app out there somewhere...come to think of it, everyone could have thrown their iPods in a huge circle with the White Noise app set to "Crowd" - they would have thought they were surrounded and surrendered forthwith.

Hulles said...

I love it when you comment, thanks much. White Noise app? Of course there is, why didn't I think of that? And, "surrendered forthwith"? I hope you enjoyed writing that phrase as much as I enjoyed reading it. XOXOXO.