Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Since I'm a little rusty at this hole righting thing, I thought I'd post an easy one and address the upcoming holidays. Not your holidays -- Christmas and the various faux-Christmases -- but Hulles holidays.

Since the '80's I've kept a calendar of my own personal holidays. If on a given day something is continually running through my head I might name the day (or night) after the event. For example, recently I added a new holiday to the Hulles calendar: Cziltang Brone Day, 20 November. Don't ask, google it if you must (not sure what you'll find). Anyway, as you can imagine after twenty years of doing this I have a lot of personal holidays. Hell, no wonder I have so much trouble working for the clampdown. I only have a few days a year that aren't holidays.

Today, the 5th of December, happens to be Magnetic Dog Sisters Day.

To explain this one, first you need to know what magnetic dogs are (since you're a relative infant compared to me unless you're Merlin). Back in the day, Japan was just rebuilding their consumer manufacturing and the local dime stores were flooded with cheap little plastic and tin toys with the stamp "Made in Japan" on the bottom. "Made in Japan" was then synonymous with "cheaply made." Of course, Japan later went on to make motorcycles, stereos, cars and anime and bury us economically but that's another story. So is the transformation of the dime store into the dollar store.

But the original point that I seem to be losing was that you could buy these little plastic magnetic dogs as toys. One dog was black, one was white and they had magnets in the base. If they faced each other, they attracted one another and if they were face-to-back, they repelled one another. Exactly the opposite of real dogs, of course. But they were cute and fun to play with for about 20 seconds.

You can go here to find out more about magnetic dogs. Oddly enough, this site is apparently pertaining to hoodoo artifacts. Who knew that the innocent little magnetic dogs had mysterious magical properties? I suppose playing with them as a child warped me forever. It would explain a lot.

If you absolutely have to buy some magnetic dogs right the hell now you can go here. You can also buy magic penis necklaces and a whole bunch of other amulets, charms and talismans if you need them to get your mojo working. You're welcome.

So now that you have this fascinating background, I can explain that the Magnetic Dog Sisters were characters in a William Gibson short story called "Johnny Mnemonic." This was made into a movie I never saw, but in the story the eponymous Johnny wanders into a bar where the door was manned (womanned?) by two people called the Magnetic Dog Sisters. One was black, one was white and it was speculated that one of them used to be male but no one knew which one. They were tough bitches and I liked the characters a lot, even if they received only passing mention in the story. Hence Magnetic Dog Sisters Day in the Hulles Calendar.

Coming up later this week is one of my favorite holidays, although I didn't invent this one. The Finlanders in Minnesota celebrate every December 7 as the day that Pearl Maki Got Bombed in Two Harbors. My friend Paul and I used to celebrate this holiday every year by going out for cocktails and we would sit next to one another and comfortably not talk to each other. We used to celebrate a lot of Hulles holidays that way, come to think of it. I miss him -- he had the ill grace to die of cancer a number of years ago, much like others I could name. Bastards.

The following day, 8 December, is Perpetrating Acts of Senseless Kindness Day. I feel this is self-explanatory.

There you have the Hulles Holidays for this week. If you would like a personal copy of the Hulles Calendar with all my bizarre and esoteric holidays for 2008, please send me a check for $US 20.00 and I'll send you an email with a list of them all and you can make it yourself. Be the first one on your block to celebrate Cocktail Weenie Day (1 February) or John de Conqueror Root Day (21 November). Party with your friends or enjoy them alone, they'll still add a zest to your life that you can't do without no longer. Order now, smooth operators are standing by.

- Hulles


cK said...

I recommend you contact that curio distributor and propose filbert trousers.

- Goose

Stephen Blackmoore said...

Great. More holidays to add to the calendar. Thanks.

I'll just slot these in around "Now Would Be A Good Time To Duck Day", and "Tell Her She's Psycho And Leave Before She Grabs The Hatchet Day".

You don't have anything around March 13th, do you? Because that's "Escape From The Police In A High Speed Chase With A Stripper By Your Side While Blowing Up A Bridge Day." I'm gonna be busy.

Eva Gale said...

So what can we do to have a holiday named after us? And if I buy the do it yourself calendar, do I at least get an explanation of the days?

Lollie said...

Sorry SB, March 13th is "Comb-Over Day." We are, however, canceling "Baggy Kneed Pantyhose Day" on April 3rd, so that's available. Oh! And a Happy "Avoid the Flying Brick Day" to everyone today.

Hulles said...

cK, your comments often frighten me. I'm glad at least that hasn't changed....

Stephen, I'm adding your March 13th to my calendar. Congrats, no one has ever (knowingly) contributed a holiday to the Hulles Calendar before.

Eva, I'll send you a private email detailing what you need to do to have a day named after you. And the putative calendar costs extra if I don't get to provide the explanations.

Lollie, I'm adding your holidays too. But I'm not sure you all understand that you have to let the days name themselves; you can't just think it would be cool to have a "Comb-Over Day." You actually have to encounter at least one bad one that day. Or have some fox from FLA propose it in a blog comment.

And since I'm preaching, if you start a calendar yourself you should write it in Outlook or whatever as "Comb-Over Day (2007)" so you know when you added it to your holiday list. It makes it more immediate and nostalgic somehow. Or something.

virginia said...

How about December 5 as Hulles returns for real day?


Hulles said...

Virginia, it's a deal.

Lollie said...

Dude - I live in South Florida...every day is Comb Over Day.

Hulles said...

Lollie, so far the only thing I've ever heard to recommend South FLA to anyone is that you live there.