5 Monkeys

"The product tested by U researchers is called Glycerol Monolaurate or GML. It's already approved by the FDA for human use. It's used primarily to extend the shelf life of certain foods.
...
"Researchers inserted GML mixed with KY Warming gel into the vagina's [sic] of five Rhesus Macaques...."

-- "U of M discovery offers potential breakthrough in preventing HIV transmission," MPR, March 4, 2009

Recently, in the Rhesus Macaque cages at the University of Minnesota Labs:

Jo: Look, girls, we have a new neighbor!

The 4 female Rhesus macaques in cages, long-time residents, eye the new female monkey in the cage down at the end.

Jo: What's your name, honey? I'm Jo. Where are you from? What are you in for?

Shirley (disoriented): Um, I'm Shirley. I'm not sure how I got here; the last thing I remember is frolicking in the jungles of Burma. Where is this place, anyway?

Meg (sourly): This is Minnesota, the state that Michele Bachmann is from.

Jo: That's right, dear, this the University of Minnesota Lab facility. Goodness, where are my manners, let me introduce us. The one down on the end there is Meg.

Meg grimaces.

Jo (whispers): Don't mind Meg, dear, she was born in a lab in Wisconsin, had a chicken wire mother, and has been here longer than any of the rest of us. She's got a right to be a little bitter.

Jo (continues): In the cage next to Meg is Beth. She's currently in the middle of redecorating her cage, and I'm sure she'd love to tell you about it later.

Beth: Hi, Shirley. Jo's right, I'm totally into feng shui. Right now I'm trying to decide if the back left corner is an auspicious position for my water dish. What do you think?

Shirley: Um....

Jo: Beth honey, let me finish the introductions then you two can chat away. Next to Beth is Amy, our very own starlet.

Meg (muttering): Harlot, is more like it.

Jo: Now, Meg. Amy was on a Jack Hannah show a year or so ago. We are all so proud of her!

Amy (ostentatiously grooming herself): Hello, Shirley. I know you would love an autograph, and I would be happy to oblige you but we have no paper and no pens. Nor, come to think of it, are we able to write. So I'm afraid you'll have to do without. But it is still a very much a pleasure to meet you.

Jo: Thanks, Amy. Well, Shirley, you've already met me, so that's all of us. I hope you're comfortable here, and anything we can do to help you get acclimated, let us know. It's a hard adjustment at first.

Shirley: Well, thanks to all of you for your kind welcome. But tell me, Jo, how do they treat us here?

Jo: All in all, it's not so bad - no predators, the food is bland but plentiful, and our health care is better than that of the typical American citizen.

Beth: And on Sundays they give us Fig Newtons!

Jo: That's right. We all look forward to Sundays, don't we, girls?

Shirley: What are the humans here like?

Jo: They're pretty decent, for scientists.

Amy: That dishy intern over there is totally hot for me, I can tell.

Meg (snorts): Amy, you think every male primate in North America is hot for you.

Amy (haughtily): Well, that just proves their good taste then, doesn't it!

The girls suddenly notice that their cages are being approached by several men in white lab coats wearing disposable latex gloves.

Jo: That's odd. It's not feeding time, I wonder what they're doing...?

Five minutes later:

Beth: Oh. My. God.

Jo: Well. My goodness.

Beth: Um, are they supposed to do that?

Amy (preening): I told you that intern liked me!

Meg: Amy, you're a slut.

Amy: Excuse me, Meg? Who was it that was yelling, "Do me, you big white monkey! Take me now!"

They all screech with laughter except Meg, who turns away from the group.

Amy: You know, I still feel all warm and tingly... down there.

Beth: Yeah, me too.

Jo: I've never felt anything like that before, not even in the jungle when... well, never mind.

Amy: I think this is unusual in a personal lubricant.

Beth: Yeah, you have to hand it to those scientists, a breakthrough in technology like that will be a boon to women everywhere, no matter what their species.

Shirley: I hate to sound stupid, but... do they do that every day?

Amy (dreamily): God, I hope so!

Jo: Amen!

Beth: For that I'll do without the Fig Newtons!

Shirley: I think I'm going to like it here.


-- Hulles