Cute Ain't Hulles

I have been "memed." It seems that there is brain virus going around that has struck a bunch of my friends simultaneously. SteamyDreamer, Eva Gale and, horror of horrors, Visual Snark are all intent on watching me writhe in agony then pass on this malady to a bunch of other innocent and unsuspecting people. I'll get you for this....

First you should know that as a crusty old curmudgeon normally I don't do memes, nor do I pass along chain letters and Pray to Jesus emails. This is mostly because I think memes are cute, and therefore should be gunned down in their tracks as if they were Hello Kitties. As I once said in a comment on someone's blog, "Cute ain't Hulles and Hulles ain't cute." Make of that what you will.

However, since these people are near and dear to my heart, or would be if I had one, I acquiesce just this once. You may regret it.

I confess to being a little curious why these folks think I can even come up with eight things. My life is an open book -- or at least an open graphic novel -- and in this blog I have bared my soul completely and have no remaining quirks or foibles to expose that I haven't talked about ad nauseam already.

But I'll see what I can do.

Here are the rules:

* Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about him/herself.

* People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

* At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

* Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

If you would like to be -- or at least tolerate being -- tagged yourself, please leave me a comment.

1, When I have an orgasm, my penis vibrates rapidly which causes an eerie humming sound to come out of my partner's vagina. Many women have found this disconcerting at first, but typically it doesn't take long for them to find it extremely pleasurable. Also during orgasm I emit a small localized EMP (electromagnetic pulse) from my brain which resets my clock radio and other nearby appliances and forces my upstairs neighbor to reprogram his VCR. This is really the reason I will ask you to come to my place for sex when I meet you -- my upstairs neighbor sucks.

2. While I didn't exactly participate in killing Jimmy Hoffa, I did help run the cement mixer during his interment in the Meadowlands. Not many people know this about me.

3. As a kid I once ate a pair of Fruit of the Loom briefs belonging to my friend Rick during a sleepover. Fortunately for both of us he wasn't wearing them at the time. In fact, he never found out about it. When he discovered them missing, I told him about the Underwear Gnomes that come at night and steal kids' underpants. I also told him that they bite the ears off any little boy that leaves skidmarks in them. I understand from his wife that he still believes in Underwear Gnomes to this day, for which she is eternally grateful.

4. I hate John Mayer. I hate his music and I hate him. See the "Cute ain't Hulles..." comment above. He's never actually done anything to me personally to make me hate him, but it disgusts me that every woman I've ever thought attractive swoons over him. Not that I'm jealous exactly, but I'm saving up money to get John and I tickets to see the Giants play in the Meadowlands.

5. One day not so long ago I took a shit that looked like Millard Fillmore. I carefully put it in a Zip-Loc bag (the big size) and stuck it in the freezer so I could enter it in the State Fair. I was very much disheartened to find out they didn't have a turd sculpture contest as I was certain I had clinched the blue ribbon. I still haven't decided what to do with it yet, but it's just way too cool to throw out. Lately I've been trying to shit James Buchanan, aka "Old Buck," but so far without acceptable result. Someday I hope to have a complete fecal presidential collection and open my own museum.

6. I am really the one responsible for sending you all the spam you receive in your email inbox. No one else gets them but you; I carefully craft each one to maximally offend your taste and sensibility. But by the way, you really did win the UK lottery -- you didn't delete that one, did you? Heh heh. And you really should contact me for the best prices on Ambien and Xanax.

7. I have slept with 8,359 women so far, and it's still early afternoon as I write this. I have to get a new bed about every three years because of whittling down the headboard by carving notches in it.

8. I have a 5th tattoo that no one knows about. It was done surgically on my left kidney in radioactive ink; you can only see it in X-rays. It says "Born to Glow." I don't know what it means exactly because both I and the surgeon were drunk when I got it.

There. Now I really have no secrets left, and the extraction hurt considerably. But no pain is too great to suffer for my friends, so I won't bitch any more, at least about that. But remember, revenge is a dish best served cold....

Memed so far: H, JC, jerseychick.

-- Hulles