Sunday, September 13, 2009

I believe in omens. I try to remain omen-aware on a day-to-day basis, and when I encounter omens I try to inculcate their semiotics, whatever that means. Occasionally I have been known to alter my life because of particularly portentous omens. Today might be one of those days.

You see, I have had a couple of omens in recent hours. Last night as I was driving home from the bar church, two fat skunks waddled across the road in front of me near my house. Skunks are a rare sight around here; I actually said "Hunh!" out loud if you can imagine that.

This morning I awoke with Marilyn Manson's "If I Was Your Vampire" tenaciously lodged in my head. (It's a song, Mom.) It's still there, as a matter of fact.

What can this mean? Should I dread meeting wereskunks today? Or stinky vampires? I think I'll cower in fear over both possibilities, just to be safe.

As a direct result of these ominous harbingers, I am determined to take decisive action. I just have to figure out what actions to take decisively, is all.

I can't afford silver bullets for my pistol, so if I encounter Wereskunks I suppose I'll have yank the molars out of my mouth and use them for ammo in my Wrist Rocket slingshot. That should do nicely for the creepy little men-by-day-skunks-by-night.

However, though ordinarily quite efficacious, I don't suppose garlic would work very well to repel Stinky Vampires. It might even attract them, who knows? So a garlic braid necklace, my normal first line of defense in cases like this, is out of the question.

As a result, if you see me today and I have a sharp pointy stick hidden behind my back as I come up and sniff you, you'll know what's going on. If you're pale and haven't showered, be prepared for a splintery wooden death.

I'll let you know how today turns out, from beyond the grave if necessary. Wish me luck.

- Hulles