The Garden Implement

Hah hah, fooled you, I am too writing. This week I've been guest blogging for the Rake Magazine. So far I've only produced two entries, The Leo Chronicles, Part I and The Leo Chronicles, Part II, but I plan on at least two more posts before the week is over. Hell, with my busy schedule of coming up with excuses why I haven't gotten things done it's a wonder I was able to find the time to post those two.

The "garden implement" in the title refers to the Rake, of course. I shamelessy thought maybe I could snag a garden(-variety) blog googler by using it. Heh heh.

In other news, Sunday the 16th is Jane Austen's birthday. I love Jane Austen, or to be more precise, I love Jane Austen's novels. Mansfield Park is my favorite, probably because Vladimir Nabokov included an essay on it in his Lectures on Literature that I read along with the novel itself the first time. Good Lord, I sound quasi-literate. Don't let that fool you though, I ain't. But I do like Jane Austen. I'd totally do her.


Anyway, you'll see more here once I meet my guest blogging commitment for the Garden Implement. And apropos of that, the voluptuous yet matronly editor of the Rake Online confided to me that she wants to create a column entitled "The Hoe." You can contact her yourself and tell her what a good idea that is no matter who writes it. Some nascent ideas just intrinsically cry out to be born and that's one of them, just for the title alone.

And finally, speaking of 'nascent,' I looked up the word just now to make sure it meant precisely what I wanted it to mean and found it defined as "emerging." So an idea that's still in the womb waiting to be born may or may not be "nascent," depending on if you believe that ideas exist per se prior to their actual birth. I'm pro-nascent, myself, but I respect other people's opinions, especially if they have big tits.

I'm also prognathic. My gnathic index is 104. If I was a nice guy, I'd include a link on that, but we all know I'm not a nice guy. Just ask the garden blog googlers.

Whew. This writing stuff is hard work.

- Hulles

Happy Holidays

Since I'm a little rusty at this hole righting thing, I thought I'd post an easy one and address the upcoming holidays. Not your holidays -- Christmas and the various faux-Christmases -- but Hulles holidays.

Since the '80's I've kept a calendar of my own personal holidays. If on a given day something is continually running through my head I might name the day (or night) after the event. For example, recently I added a new holiday to the Hulles calendar: Cziltang Brone Day, 20 November. Don't ask, google it if you must (not sure what you'll find). Anyway, as you can imagine after twenty years of doing this I have a lot of personal holidays. Hell, no wonder I have so much trouble working for the clampdown. I only have a few days a year that aren't holidays.

Today, the 5th of December, happens to be Magnetic Dog Sisters Day.


To explain this one, first you need to know what magnetic dogs are (since you're a relative infant compared to me unless you're Merlin). Back in the day, Japan was just rebuilding their consumer manufacturing and the local dime stores were flooded with cheap little plastic and tin toys with the stamp "Made in Japan" on the bottom. "Made in Japan" was then synonymous with "cheaply made." Of course, Japan later went on to make motorcycles, stereos, cars and anime and bury us economically but that's another story. So is the transformation of the dime store into the dollar store.

But the original point that I seem to be losing was that you could buy these little plastic magnetic dogs as toys. One dog was black, one was white and they had magnets in the base. If they faced each other, they attracted one another and if they were face-to-back, they repelled one another. Exactly the opposite of real dogs, of course. But they were cute and fun to play with for about 20 seconds.

You can go here to find out more about magnetic dogs. Oddly enough, this site is apparently pertaining to hoodoo artifacts. Who knew that the innocent little magnetic dogs had mysterious magical properties? I suppose playing with them as a child warped me forever. It would explain a lot.

If you absolutely have to buy some magnetic dogs right the hell now you can go here. You can also buy magic penis necklaces and a whole bunch of other amulets, charms and talismans if you need them to get your mojo working. You're welcome.

So now that you have this fascinating background, I can explain that the Magnetic Dog Sisters were characters in a William Gibson short story called "Johnny Mnemonic." This was made into a movie I never saw, but in the story the eponymous Johnny wanders into a bar where the door was manned (womanned?) by two people called the Magnetic Dog Sisters. One was black, one was white and it was speculated that one of them used to be male but no one knew which one. They were tough bitches and I liked the characters a lot, even if they received only passing mention in the story. Hence Magnetic Dog Sisters Day in the Hulles Calendar.

Coming up later this week is one of my favorite holidays, although I didn't invent this one. The Finlanders in Minnesota celebrate every December 7 as the day that Pearl Maki Got Bombed in Two Harbors. My friend Paul and I used to celebrate this holiday every year by going out for cocktails and we would sit next to one another and comfortably not talk to each other. We used to celebrate a lot of Hulles holidays that way, come to think of it. I miss him -- he had the ill grace to die of cancer a number of years ago, much like others I could name. Bastards.

The following day, 8 December, is Perpetrating Acts of Senseless Kindness Day. I feel this is self-explanatory.

There you have the Hulles Holidays for this week. If you would like a personal copy of the Hulles Calendar with all my bizarre and esoteric holidays for 2008, please send me a check for $US 20.00 and I'll send you an email with a list of them all and you can make it yourself. Be the first one on your block to celebrate Cocktail Weenie Day (1 February) or John de Conqueror Root Day (21 November). Party with your friends or enjoy them alone, they'll still add a zest to your life that you can't do without no longer. Order now, smooth operators are standing by.

- Hulles

A New Look

As the more observant among you might notice, this old creaky blog has a brand new look. I hope you like it. I like it. I plan to start posting again on a quasi-regular basis any day now.

I'm still sneezing from all the dust that was kicked up when I dismantled the old blog template and carted it to the landfill. Don't tell anyone about the asbestos that was used to make the sidebars.

See you soon.

- Hulles